It seems like we have it all these days. iPhones, Wii Us, little iPhone boom boxes you can bring to the beach that work with bluetooth, direct deposit, indoor plumbing, illegal downloads, coffee, but up until now something has been lacking. “The ability to stream HBOGo on a Playstation 3?” YES, BUT ALSO A LIVE-ACTION ARCHIE COMICS MOVIE! From Deadline:

Archie? Betty? Veronica? Jughead? Zombie? Just when Hollywood thinks it’s heard it all comes our news that Warner Bros Pictures last night just closed all deals for a WME-packaged live-action movie based on Archie Comics. Producing are Roy Lee and Dan Lin, and Jon Goldwater, Krishnan Menon, and Jon Silk are executive producers. Jason Moore (Pitch Perfect) has signed on to direct while Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa (Glee) is writing. Sources tell us that the screenplay envisions a “high school comedy based on the original line of Archie Comics set in present-day Riverdale.” But earlier this year scribe Aguirre-Sacasa signed on to write a new line of the venerable Archie Comics with a peculiar way into their adventures: flesh-eating zombies!

Hahah, ENOUGH, DEADLINE! (Deadline goes on to speculate that the movie will include zombies, but there is no hard evidence at the moment so I guess to cover our bases let’s just say that, if included, the role of “zombies” will be given to Vincent Gallo.) Who should play all the parts of this movie that for sure shouldn’t be made?! There are so many! Archie should be played by Chris Gethard, Rupert Grint, or Ed Sheeran. If Ed Sheeran is in the movie, no doy Betty would be played by Taylor Swift. If not Betty should be, I don’t know, Carey Mulligan? CARA DELEVINGNE?! If Cara Delevingne is Betty then Annie Clark should be Veronica. (She would have to dye her hair back to black.) If not then, I don’t know, Solange? As of right now there is nothing stopping this from being THE #1 COOLEST MOVIE aside from the premise, so let’s say Solange. Who else is there? Jughead is Jesse Eisenberg. Reggie is Chris Eigeman. Whit Stillman writes and directs. THIS MOVIE IS GONNA BE GREAT!


Comments (24)
  1. For the role of Archie, I submit for your consideration:

  2. As a child, there was ONE Archie comic book in our basement, on the bookshelf like it was a normal book, next to Five Little Peppers And How They Grew. And I read it and reread it, not realizing that it was a series and I could just pick up a new issue at a bookstore.

    Anyway, if Ed Sheeran is Archie WHICH HE SHOULD BE, I think obvi choice for Jughead is Ed’s BFF for life, Harry Styles. And Taylor can be in it because OOOOOOH BACKSTAGE DRAMAZZZZ!

  3. January Jones should die her hair and be Veronica. Girl was a stone cold bitch.

  4. I will admit to a certain grudging respect for Archie. One time, for no good reason, I ended up on the Archie website. They had this picture and you have to find the heart hidden in it. In the end, there were at LEAST 6 of us gathered around that screen looking for the goddamn heart, as well as my then-girlfriend (now wife) at home. Probably spent 30 minutes looking for it. Then the future mother-in-law happened to walk by and find it in 30 seconds. Her eyesight was so bad that she had to have corrective surgery later that year. It was equal parts shameful and awe-inspiring.

  5. No no no. Make it about Archie’s kid. The movie is the kid trying to figure out which of those hussies is his mother. Here is your archie:

  6. Definitely Taylor Swift for Betty. For Reggie I’m thinking Ed Westwick. But for SURE I think the best choice for Veronica is Raven from RuPaul’s Drag Race:

    • TSwift is a great choice for Betty. I’m not sure America is ready for a drag queen as Veronica, though (even though I love and adore Raven). Let’s maybe see Lucy Hale as Veronica and … are there any famous redheads who aren’t Rupert Grint? Would Thomas Sangster/Love Actually Kid/Jojen Reed make a good redhead? Let’s go with that guy as Archie. Team That Guy.

  7. It’s been a while since I’ve seen the comics, but this guy has something of a Jughead look about him.

  8. The Olson twins should play Betty and Veronica. Mary Kate can dye her hair black for Veronica.

  9. You know if this is successful, it’s going to eventually lead to a live-action Peanuts movie (which I am amazed hasn’t happened yet). That would be terrible, unless they decide to update Snoopy’s pilot schtick by making him pilot a drone instead.

  10. BREAKING NEWS FROM HOLLYWOOD: Thursday, June 6 at 10:47pm, Hollywood reports that it thinks it has heard it all, that no old or new stories will ever be written or re-written for the big screen. “We’ve heard it all and decided that every movie that needs to be made has already been made or is in production, so we’re shutting our doors. The last movie that will ever be made will be Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which we feel is an appropriate bookend for our storied history,” read a press release from Hollywood.

    UPDATE: Thursday, June 6 at 11:03pm, Hollywood has released a follow-up statement, reading “Just kidding, everyone, someone at this bar just mentioned the idea of an Archie movie. Everyone can relax. We’re back in business.”

  11. I was not into comic books as a kid, but always had random Archie comics because my dentist would give them to me. I tried to order a spy camera from the back of one but had the order returned because of insufficient postage because I just filled the envelope with change.

  12. for some reason archie is the first comic series i really got into. i think it’s because we could buy them at the grocery store and my parents wouldn’t take me to buy comics at comic book stores. i will most likely see this movie and be disappointed. we (my sister and i) still have our collection of about two hundred archie’s digest books. even as a nerd i was pretty lame.

    • I was really into Archie when I was a kid too! And yup, the main draw was that I could get them at the grocery store and they were cheap, so it was easy to talk mom into buying one for me.

  13. Where’s LBT to say Tilda Swinton? Does anyone know if she’s okay? Has LBT been purged?!

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