In a recent interview with Empire magazine (via /Film), Winona Ryder insisted that a Heathers sequel is in the works. Um, why? That movie is great, and doesn’t really demand a sequel. Also, it is 14,000 years old.

Whatever you hear there is a sequel in the works, I swear to God. But for some reason [screenwriter] Dan [Waters] and [director] Michael [Lehman] don’t want to talk about it. I’ve been wanting to do a sequel forever. There is a story, and Christian has agreed to come back as a kind of Obi-Wan character.

Woof. I know it is stupid to get worked up about a rumor, much less a rumor from a CONVICTED FELON, but a lot of things are stupid. This is stupid. Moving on: on the one hand, it is (barely) reassuring that it’s the same team putting together this completely unnecessary project, rather than some Hollywood monkey. On the other hand “Christian has agreed to come back as a kind of Obi-Wan character”? We are going to need a bigger UGH.

But, OK. Heathers 2. Sure. So what should the tagline be for this movie that probably doesn’t/will never even exist?

  • Heathers 2: Teenage Suicide, Don’t Space Do It, In Space
  • Heathers 2: Drano Nights
  • Heathers 2.0: What’s Your Damage.com
  • Heathers 2: I Still Love My Dead Gay Son
  • Heathers 2: Mean Girls 2

Lame. Do better.

Comments (31)
  1. it should be called ‘heather.’

  2. Heathers 2: The Saggening

  3. Heathers 2: The Real Heathers of Chicago

  4. Heathers 2: In Which We Fuck Our Audience with a Chainsaw, But Not Gently

  5. That One  |   Posted on Jun 2nd, 2009 +1

    Have we still not learned what a tagline is?

    A helpful reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tagline

  6. Heathers 2: Two Twheathers Two Twurious

  7. bit  |   Posted on Jun 2nd, 2009 +2

    heathers 2: blow me

  8. Heathers 2: …Fuck Me in the Face Until I Die. Jesus Christ…

  9. Wino Forever  |   Posted on Jun 2nd, 2009 +16

    H2Oh the Humanity

  10. Heathers 2: The Taking of Westerberg High 1 2 3
    Heathers 2: Fast Times at Westerberg High

    either way.

    this is an awful idea. i really hope Ryder is as unreliable a source as i think she is…

  11. Liam  |   Posted on Jun 2nd, 2009 +7

    Heathers 2: Corn Nuts’ Revenge

  12. Gossip Girl presents: Heathers
    with the GG cast, you know, to attract young audiences
    also, call me if anyone talks about a Clueless sequel so i can make that joke yet again

  13. tgs  |   Posted on Jun 2nd, 2009 -1

    Winona finally shows her tits

  14. Wino Forever  |   Posted on Jun 2nd, 2009 +7

    How’s Slater going to work this into his ‘My Own Worst Enemy’ schedule?

  15. Heathers Two: Right?!

  16. Wino Forever  |   Posted on Jun 2nd, 2009 +9

    “Lick up the puke that is this sequel.”

  17. Heathers 2: No

    Heathers 2: We’re Really Sorry

    Heathers 2: We Have Families Too, Okay?

  18. Heathers 2:
    We still have an open door policy for assholes
    Bulimia is so 2007
    Martha Dumptruck’s revenge
    Don’t patronize the bunny rabbits

  19. Heathers 2: Putting Food on Our Families

    Heather 2: This Movie is Your Damage

    • That One  |   Posted on Jun 2nd, 2009 +6

      I have a feeling that “put food on their families” will continue to be hilarious for at least 250 years. We’ll be forced to pretend it’s not funny for about a week after Dubya dies, but we’ll really just be pretending.

      We can’t laugh at an unnecessary war, an economy in tatters, or an environment that will ensure the demise of the human race… but we can laugh at that, dammit.

      I guess we’ll take what we can get.

  20. Heathers 2: Out of Work
    Heathers 2: Die Harder

  21. I don’t believe you Winona Ryder. You’re sneaky and I didn’t realize you were Spock’s mother in Star Trek until I read about it in the paper. And fuck the sequel machine for fucking something I actually love.

  22. Well I’d say this pretty much tops my list of ‘what[was brilliant before]‘s even left [to completely fuck up] at this point?’ Game, set, match. Die.

  23. heathers 2: more croquet, more pate

  24. Heathers 2: In It To Clique It
    Heathers 2: Remington U
    Heathers 2: 2 Morose 2 Motor

  25. don  |   Posted on Jun 3rd, 2009 -3

    Heathers 2: general shoplifting-related weirdness

  26. Maggie B.  |   Posted on Jun 3rd, 2009 +1

    Heathers 2: Because you’re an idiot.

  27. dagnabbit  |   Posted on Jun 3rd, 2009 +2

    Heathers 2: What’s your mortgage?

  28. Um, is no one going to address “Christian [Slater] has agreed to come back as a kind of Obi-Wan character.”???! Cause, no.

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