Kelly: Hey gabe what’s up
Gabe: oh, hi, kelly
Kelly: waaazaaaaaap
Gabe: it sounds weird when you do it
Kelly: What? It sounds just like the commercial.
Gabe: you should tape yourself doing it and listen to the tape
Gabe: maybe it sounds right in your head
Gabe: but it sounds weird to everyone else
Kelly: hmm maybe
Gabe: hear the difference?
Kelly: ahh see no that sounds wrong to me
Kelly: I’ll tape mine later though and check it out
Kelly: Though I’ve never gotten a complaint about it
Gabe: yeah
Gabe: do that for sure
Kelly: Well that’s settled. Now what do we talk about?
Gabe: i don’t know, did any celebs have diarrhea today?

Kelly: I haven’t come across any unfortunately
Kelly: I read that Rihanna likes getting brazilian waxes
Kelly: Because she likes the pain
Gabe: what book did you read that in? or was it the congressional record?
Kelly: It was in the New York Times this morning, but then I think I heard it again on NPR’s morning edition
Kelly: Oh speaking of did you read the NYTimes piece about the TMZ tour coming to New York?!
Gabe: oof
Gabe: my apologies to new york
Gabe: a city beset
Gabe: cannot catch a break
Kelly: I’m mostly just upset that it began two weeks ago rather than two months ago
Kelly: So I could’ve gone on it rather than spend a full day at the Steve Wilkos show
Kelly: Now I have NO idea how I’m going to justify going on it.
Gabe: just live your life, kelly
Gabe: if you want to go on that tour, do it
Gabe: you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone
Gabe: except me
Gabe: and i am saying it’s fine
Gabe: but you will have to use a personal day
Kelly: That’s fine, yay!
Gabe: why would anyone go on a TMZ tour of New York?
Gabe: like, as horrible as the TMZ tour of LA is, I get it
Gabe: if the tour fits
Kelly: Right
Gabe: it seems anathema to what New York is all about
Gabe: which is pizza and urine smells
Gabe: i also feel like celebrities are the least interesting characters in that city
Gabe: justin timberlake has a loft in Tribeca? who gives a fuuuuuuuuuuu
Kelly: Right and also, though this may go for the LA one as well
Kelly: If you were eager to see, like, the nightclub where Drake and Chris Brown got into a fight
Kelly: Or the area where Lindsay Lohan lived when she lived in New York or whatever
Kelly: You could just go to it
Gabe: well that is true of everything, i think
Gabe: like, you can take a tour of stone henge or you can just go to stone henge

Kelly: I guess so. But I was thinking more like you’d take the TMZ tour
Kelly: if you didn’t know
Kelly: what tacos brad pitt liked or whatever
Kelly: And wanted the tour guide to explain it to you.
Kelly: Like you’d expect a tour guide to give you more insight about Stone Henge than you’d have yourself
Gabe: sure, but again, by your own example
Gabe: i am not as convinced as you
Gabe: that everyone is so intimately familiar
Gabe: with the nightclub where drake and chris brown got in a fight
Gabe: or the area where lindsay lohan lived when she lived in new york or whatever
Gabe: they might need help finding those places
Kelly: Sure I guess so
Kelly: In that case I have no problems with it, it sounds good
Gabe: hahaaha man
Gabe: you sure take a LOT of convincing
Gabe: you, like, barely acknowledge that not everyone knows where lindsay lohan lived in New York
Kelly: Hahaha well if you’re taking a TMZ tour
Gabe: although the idea that you are suggesting
Gabe: is very funny
Gabe: just someone driving around
Gabe: in a zip car or a cab
Gabe: and pointing out the window
Gabe: and telling themselves
Gabe: “that’s the club!”
Kelly: Well in my scenario they would walk there
Gabe: what’s that?
Kelly: It’s like roller blading but slower?

Kelly: But what I was going to say
Kelly: Is that if you’re taking the TMZ tour you probably are interested in these celebrity things enough to know what happened and where it happened
Kelly: I think it’s just because LA seems harder to navigate to me, that it makes more sense to go on a TMZ tour
Gabe: well, you are also supposing that everyone on the tour
Gabe: lives in new york
Kelly: Nah uh
Kelly: Anyway this is so boring to talk about
Gabe: listen, Kevin McCallister
Gabe: anyways
Gabe: as someone who has actually taken a TMZ bus tour
Gabe: i take issue with this part of the article:
Gabe: “For that reason, and because the story was splashed all over TMZ, I sat slack-jawed in disbelief when the bus rolled down Broadway through Times Square, and no mention was made of Amanda Bynes. This is my main complaint.”
Kelly: Hahah, why do you take issue with that part?
Kelly: Because you know how long it takes to put together a good TMZ tour and that you can’t just toss in recent headlines?
Gabe: THAT is the complaint?
Gabe: that there was a deeply troubled celebrity they failed to mention?
Gabe: you are the NEW YORK TIMES
Kelly: Hahahaaaa
Gabe: your complaint isn’t with the shrill narrator and the entire concept of the enterprise?
Gabe: it’s that they didn’t mention Amanda Bynes?
Kelly: Well it’d have to be a much longer article then
Kelly: Hahah it’s easier
Kelly: To just say “My one complaint,” and then get out of there
Kelly: Though this writer went on TWO DIFFERENT TABLOID TOURS!
Kelly: You’d think they’d be out of their mind wanting to complain about it
Gabe: oh, i see
Gabe: so all that matters is doing what is easiest?
Gabe: apparently you and the new york times and the TMZ bus tour should get triple married
Kelly: oh my goodness I was kidding
Gabe: i bet the nyt writer thought he was kidding too
Gabe: and you will have the rest of your life living with them to learn that lesson
Gabe: because you are MARRIED
Kelly: Ugh
Kelly: You do realize
Kelly: That earlier you were defending the idea of the TMZ bus tour TO ME
Kelly: So at the most I am married to the NYTimes
Kelly: and you are married to the tour
Gabe: well, i will always stand in defense
Gabe: of an American’s right
Gabe: to be chauffered around
Kelly: hahah
Gabe: that is what this country was built on, it is in the constitution
Gabe: probably

Gabe: you’re like “just walk there!” Gabe: it’s disgusting
Kelly: Hahah I will admit that I was possibly misguided
Kelly: With my kneejerk reaction
Kelly: That people should just go to the sites if they want to, rather than take the tour
Gabe: i mean you do realize
Gabe: that what you were proposing
Gabe: which is literally insane
Gabe: if you’re going to be garbage, be garbage and ride around in your garbage truck
Gabe: dont’ HOOF IT
Kelly: Can you imagine being in a TMZ walking tour
Kelly: Standing in a big group in front of somewhere
Kelly: Being told the most embarrassing things while people try to get around you
Kelly: If you personally harass a celebrity you get a t-shirt
Kelly: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Kelly: But, you know, I did already admit I was wrong
Kelly: As a truce do you want to come to NY and take the tour with me?
Gabe: no
Kelly: :(

Comments (20)
  1. Nothing witty her, but as a New Yorker who has to dodge 15 guys trying to sign up tourists for other bus tours (not to mention guys passing out coupons to shitty delis, salons, massages; aspiring rappers asking if I like hip-hop; guys asking if I like comedy; monks, charity muggers; etc.) in a three block walk from the subway to my office, my one response here is fuck this tour with 1,000 dicks.

    • I was accosted once by a survey taker who opened with “Are you a nice person.” I don’t have to justify my life decisions to you, survey taker lady!

      • I know! The answer that works best for me to that question is: “You guessed wrong.” That always works in my case.

      • Ooo! Good come back. I was so surprised that I think I just stared awkwardly at her. So she probably figured me out.

        • Thanks. There’s always at least 1 pair of these people either in front of or in a 3-block radius of my job, so there was definitely a learning process involved. Also, if you look angry/pissed they will ignore you. One of the many perks of street-bitchface.

    • I run the same gauntlet in LA and have to give those guys respect for one thing at least: they know who the tourists are. In seven years I’ve only been offered a flyer once, and that was when I was walking with a friend from Kansas. (Also that day I was wearing a baseball cap, which I never do, and it probably made me look more clueless than usual.)

      • Totally. I just give those guys the “don’t even think about it” look and they immediately turn to address the nearest person in jorts and crocs with a sunburn.

    • The benefit of living in DC is that I am not an entire middle school class from Kentucky, so I never have to deal with that nonsense.

    • STOP DODGING THE QUESTION, FLW, DO YOU LIKE HIP HOP AND ALSO COMEDY??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

    • Don’t forget the people who want to talk about Jesus! They didn’t forget about you!!!

    • the people who try to shake your hand are THE WORST, I would yell DO NOT TOUCH ME. I guess i do miss yelling at people in ny, i yell less in seattle.

    • Yep, and my least favorite part about those people, especially the guys asking if I like comedy, is that if you don’t enthusiastically eat their shit up, YOU’RE THE ASSHOLE. Man I am so glad I work in the Financial District, where the worst I have to deal with is idiot tourists taking pictures of the Wall St sign. People! It’s a road sign! Get over it and let me get to work!

  2. Merriam-Webster confirms that WAAAAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP is the preferred spelling. WAZUUUUUUUUUUUUP, is acceptable, but it’s typically seen only in British English.

  3. God, every time I see one of those TMZ tour busses, I giggle to myself remembering that article. It’s still one of my favorite Videogum things ever, second only to

    Then I am filled with white hot rage because they CAN’T STAY IN ONE FREAKING LANE IT’S NOT THAT HARD. But still, good times.

  4. Do you guys have the duck tour? THE DUCK TOUR CAN GO FUCK ITSELF. Why would you give children hopped up on vacation ice cream lunch a noisemaker? Ours even killed three people and we can’t get rid of it.

    • Well that was supposed to be a reply to Frank Lloyd Wrong but at least I got to complain about the Duck tour.

      • Can I use this space to complain about Albertan tourists? I live in a small town in BC and every summer we get hundreds of these shitheads going 30 km over the speed limit. Just because you live in a place without mountains, you don’t get to ignore things like corners and pedestrians.

        Also, your province is basically Texas with shittier Mexican food.

    • When I was in Pittsburgh this past weekend, I attempted to lay out in the sun in a park near one of their rivers, and every 10 minutes one of those fucking abominations would quack on by, disturbing my peace. Yeah, they can eat shit.

  5. One does not simply walk into Stone Henge….No really. You’re hardly allowed within a fucking mile.

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