Yesterday, Patrick Stewart tweeted a photo of himself eating “his first slice” of pizza. The world, naturally, lost its mind. Dude is 72 years old. Even a broken clock is pizza twice a day. No one could believe it, and one of the reasons is because it’s not even true. Vulture caught up with him and it turns out he has had a bunch of pizza because he is a human being after all. So what is he even talking about?

So, I get that you’ve had pizza before, just not a slice of pizza …
That’s correct. People misunderstood. There was a school of thought that I had eaten my first pizza, but of course how could that possibly be true? I would have had to have stayed locked up in a cellar. But nevertheless, this was my first slice of pizza, which I was only eating because my fiancée and I were a little hung-over yesterday morning and she said what we need is pizza and a soothing drink — and she was right. It solved the problem. But, in fact, it was my first slice, and when it was brought over to me, my first comment was “There’s no knife and fork.” Of course, I was mocked for thinking that I could eat a pizza slice with a knife and fork.

Wait. It was his first slice, but he’s eaten lots of pizza before? I think he’s just stuck on the idea of only paying for a single slice as opposed to, what, 100 pizzas? I guess when you’re as famous as Patrick Stewart, you just order 100 pizzas just in case, you never know who is going to show up. But, those pizzas were still cut into slices, right? He didn’t just crumple an entire pizza into a ball and shove it into his mouth? No way. He’s a serious person. Serious people don’t do that. He has still eaten “a slice” of pizza. So, like, what is he talking about? Listen to him go on and on, it makes no sense:

So, in all those years, you never, you know, walked by a pizza place, you’re hungry, you decide to go in and try a slice? How come that never happened?
I know, it’s hard to understand, isn’t it? But, you know, I would go in there and order a pizza and eat a whole pizza. It was the concept of the slice that I had never encountered before. And by the way, the pizza establishment that I went into was a well-known, well-established Brooklyn pizza place called Smiling Pizza, and I’m told that Fox News interviewed the owner, and he said, “Oh my God, if I had known it was his first slice I would have given him a second slice.”

WAIT! So he’s even been inside of a pizza parlor that sells pizza by the slice, he just never ordered a single slice? OK but so what?! If the owner had known that Patrick Stewart was a LIAR he probably would have slapped his first slice onto the floor. This is ridiculous. If you buy a six pack of yogurt where all the yogurts are still kind of attached to each other at the rim and you break one of the yogurts off and eat it then you’ve still eaten “a yogurt” even though you paid for “six yogurts.” If you buy a pack of Skittles and eat all the Skittles, you can still say that you’ve eaten “a Skittle,” you don’t explain that you’ve only ever eaten “an entire pack of Skittles.” Like, am I the crazy one here? Is there something wrong with ME?! Please leave your thoughts on whether I am the crazy one here in the comments! #Skittles

Comments (73)
  1. In England, they call pizza “curries.” So that’s the confusion.

    • This is a “lorry” joke btw, but I think we retired the lorry thing back when Elizabeth II was still queen, so I wasn’t sure how to do it. Torch! Pram! Lift!

  2. See Gabe he’s eaten a pizza slice as part of a whole pizza, but he’s never just gotten a slice all by itself and then ate it until yesterday. And believe me they are two entirely different experiences, like night and day or eating a single skittle that wasn’t part of more skittles (i can’t even imagine such insanity ever happening, but hypothetically) versus eating skittles out of a bag.

  3. What sort of lame hangovers does Patrick Stewart have that can just be cured by eating one lowly slice of pizza? Color me jealous!

  4. P.Stew really seems like he’s really living it up, septuagenarian-style. Hanging out in ball pits, curing hangovers with pizza… Party on, man!

  5. I always order 100 pizzas, so that way I have them.

  6. Sub-Question: If I’ve never eaten yogurt before but I’ve eaten frozen yogurt, have I eaten yogurt?

  7. Where does Patrick Stewart stand on having had a very tiny soda before? Cool with that? Not novel at all? Not unusual to just have a cup with like 3 oz. of soda in it? Cool. Just so we’re clear.

  8. Why does he have a newspaper? To soak up the grease? So many unanswered questions to a seemingly unsuspecting photo.

  9. What’s the best type of frozen pizza?

  10. Gabe, you might be crazy, but certainly not because of this issue. You are definitely the sane one here.

  11. In his defense, his regular pizza delivery guy kind of sucks:

  12. PATRICK STEWART IS A TREASURE

  13. Normally I’m in to petty celebrity gossip, but, like, who the fuck cares?!

  14. In defense of my captain, if you get proper European pizza, it doesn’t come sliced. It comes as a whole circle and you eat it with a fork and a knife. Which he seems to have been getting at with his “There’s no knife and fork” comment.

    Still, normal people have ALSO eaten American-style pizza, which comes sliced, to it’s still a trip.

  15. In defense of his argument, last time I was in England I saw a pizza with corn on. We have a definite pizza understanding privilege here in the land of the Book-it.

    • Why do Europeans insist on putting corn niblets on perfectly good pizza?

      • Oh man, when I was on study abroad, my fellow Americans and I liked to go to the Pizza Hut 5 Euro Pizza Buffet every Wednesday, obviously. The first time we saw the corn pizza, we were like, “Haha, danke, but nein danke!” And then a couple of weeks in we decided on a (probs drunken) lark to try it. And we eff-ing loved it. It was an true moment of intercultural enlightenment.

    • We don’t really have the whole ‘slice’ thing going on here so much (we have Domino now, TA VERY MUCH America), or didn’t when P-Stew was young BUT THEN he has been living in LA since about 1987 so who even knows.

  16. I think we should change the saying to “the best thing since sliced pizza” in honor of this.

  17. I don’t believe him. This is a lie. He’s still hung over.

  18. I cannot stop laughing at this writeup. It started with “Even a broken clock is pizza twice a day” and never stopped. “It” meaning “Uncontrollable breathy laughter because I’m at work and can’t actually laugh out loud, dammit, Gabe.”

  19. I’m on to you Stewart. That fold and bite technique and finger hold is too pro for someone that has only ever eaten whole pizzas with a knife and fork.

  20. I’m currently having my first slice of pizza of the day, where is my article?

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