The Hollywood Reporter did a new profile of Joe Francis after he was recently found guilty on three counts of false imprisonment and one count of assault (!!!) and it seems like our old friend is doin’ just fine! This is literally the opening paragraph of the article:

Joe Francis digs his fingers into my knee. “I want that jury to know that each and every one of you are mentally f–ing retarded and you should be euthanized because, as Darwin said, you have naturally selected yourself,” he shouts. “You are the weakest members of the herd. Goodbye! And if that jury wants to convict me because I didn’t show up, which is the only reason why they did, then, you know, they should all be lined up and shot!”

Phew! A lot of men might buckle under the pressure of such intense legal difficulties, but not good old Joe Francis. He’s got his head on straight and is remaining cool, no COOLER than a cucumber. People are like, Joe, how do you stay so grounded? And he is just like, guys, I don’t know what to tell you, everyone has to find their own path, but know that we are all part of something larger than ourselves, and that you can’t find peace in the world until you find peace within, and that all juries are fucking retards who deserve to die. Anyway, the article about how even-keeled and put together Joe Francis is continues with more examples of his supreme normalcy:

“You know why I’ve been criticized, why I’ve been brutalized?” he says. “Anybody who criticizes me, anybody who — it’s just a jealous guy. Everybody who says, ‘Oh, Joe Francis is this’ — look at their penis and tell me if it’s small. Tell me!”

And how about the size of his own, um, manhood? He laughs gleefully. “It’s been widely reported my penis is huge, but look, I have nothing to prove” — upon which he tries to do just that, tussling with his rather sweet girlfriend and urging her to tell me about his assets. She wriggles away, mortified.

“Tell him!” he laughs.

“No way!” she yells, vanishing into the kitchen.

Fun! Fun exchange! I love to see young people in love. You know what else I love? When fucking lunatics consider any and all criticism to be a manifestation of simple jealousy, as if jealousy alone accounts for multiple accusations of sexual assault from various women spanning years and years. JEALOUS! (I’m also not entirely sure how we are supposed to look at everyone’s penis and then tell Joe if the penis is small or not, but I bet if you can’t figure out how to do this it’s just because you are JEALOUS.)

Incidentally, Joe Francis talks about spending six months on “death row” in Panama for another crime he claims that he didn’t commit, to which he only plead guilty to get out of jail after the inmate next to him committed suicide because the surroundings were so dire. And later he gets emotional describing the time he was robbed at gunpoint in his own home and left for dead in the trunk of his own Bentley, which sounds genuinely horrific in deeply lasting and effecting ways that I cannot even fathom. So, uh, WHAT ARE WE JEALOUS OF EXACTLY?

Finally, after many glasses of sweetberry wine, Joe opens up about the current allegations against him:

“All I did was do a nice thing,” he says, recounting how he invited the women home after meeting them at the Supper Club in Hollywood. “It just proves that any celebrity in Hollywood should never give a ride home to any girls. I mean, there were 20 people in the afterparty. They [say they] got their head slammed on a tile floor and they were imprisoned here for hours. They said it was here on the tile floor. I don’t see any tile right here. Now you’ve been here for hours. Have you been imprisoned?”

Look, no one knows for sure what happened that night, and I do believe that celebrities can be falsely accused of certain things by equally horrible people looking for a quick (not that quick, though, when you think about it) payout or whatever, so who knows. But “you’ve been here for hours, have you been imprisoned” is a very strong argument and I hope that Joe Francis had the foresight to represent himself in court. And to REST HIS CASE.

OK, this part is sad:

As I leave him to ready for the trip, he gives me a great bear hug and a kiss. “Just don’t do what everyone else does,” he says. “Don’t make me look crazy.”

But otherwise he’s obviously doing great. Whoever invented the expression “All good!” was talking about our pal, Joe Francis. See also the expression “So good.” He is an inspiration to us all, I’m sure.

Comments (63)
  1. Always find a way to reference Weakest Link in your insane rants.

  2. “As I leave him to ready for the trip, he gives me a great bear hug and a kiss. “Seriously though, no craze-o.”

    • I am going to assume he was interviewed by an elderly man, and gave him a big, full body bear hug and sloppy mouth kiss before asking him not to make him look crazy.

  3. We’re gonna need like three Helen Mirren posts to make up for this one.

  4. Some very Ben Stiller vibes coming off that photo…biopic?

  5. It is a fact that any dude who claims to have a large penis in fact has a tiny penis. Based on this truth alone I do not believe anything else Joe Francis says.

  6. Say what you will about this blookhead, but at least he’s really good at accurately quoting Darwin.

  7. There are dozens of us!
    http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130204211503/arresteddevelopment/images/f/f7/2x17_Spring_Breakout_(67).png

    Sorry, that doesn’t make sense. Nonetheless, I’d rather think about Arrested Development than this garbage animal.

  8. sorry I think I’m still on a high from that gif post.

  9. Hoo boy! Can we treat this like the Farrah sex tapes posts and talk about something less awful?

    How about the part where I just walked past Bill Hader / Stefan and he is sporting a super strange white guy mini curl fro hairdo? (I’m sorry, I know, its humid out there Stefan) I’m getting verklempt! Talk amongst yourselves.

    • Wait, is this a true story? Where are you, what are you doing, how did this happen, do you have any other information on this hair?

      • It is a very true story! And also the second time I’ve walked past him in the exact spot this month. Last time I think he was wearing a hat though. He’s been quite engrossed on a phone call both times, which is partially how I knew for certain it was him, his voice and speaking mannerism is pretty specific…ummmm…he’s dressed super average normal…I’m not sure what else to add!

        I did notice how absurd his hair looked today though, what’s going on Bill Hader?? I have full confidence he has a glamorous Stefan outfit and hairstyle underneath what is clearly just his public “incognito” look.

    • Did you quote a Stefan line to him? If so, which one? If not, how did you control yourself?

      • I didn’t! Maybe next time I should just slap the phone out of his hand and look really intensely at him and say NEW YORK’S HOTTEST NIGHTCLUB IS: INAPPROPRIATE FAN. You will be accosted on the sidewalk while you and just minding your own biz and your cellphone will be knocked onto the ground by some creepy girl. Perfect for families!

    • I feel like this should turn into a “what did you have for lunch today” post because I really like those. You guys eat really great stuff! Literally every time you ask that, it was a salad.

      • I had an iced coffee and those hazelnut wafer snacks.

      • for me, I mean. I had a salad today. turkey with lots of veggies. today was great cause there were beans that I like. edamame? they were green.

      • I had a salad for lunch and it was great! I mean, it was just spinach, sunflower seeds, blueberries, and poppy-seed dressing, but still! It was very good, AND I brought it from home so it was free (in my brain).

        I bought one of those salad tupperware things, and so far it is a sound investment.

        Yes, I will continue to talk about tupperware forever if it means we don’t have to talk about Joe Francis.

      • I had a salad today! It was a simple yet so good salad so let me describe it to you so as to distract from the Joe Francis basement torture chamber: Spring greens mix of baby lettuces and spinach + fresh cut arugula from my window garden, whole sliced avocado, green peppers, red wine vinegar and oil. Plus I had a little leftover vegan hot lunch (not to bore you, but I’m trying to eat 2/3 of my meals vegan these days just for health reasons and that part where it really makes sense to reduce your meat intake even if you like it, and I do!) of brown rice with sautéed carrots, peppers, mushrooms, and onions in a soy sauce glaze. Yum.

      • I am having oatmeal and juice! I guess that’s more breakfast than lunch but whatever. I do what I want.

      • I had an avocado and Oaxaca cheese sandwich with like half a cucumber in it because I do what I want! I also had an orange and two quinoa-mango-orange cookies and I’m going to a friend’s place for pancake dinner because my life is like a beautiful dream!!!

      • I’m all for that idea. Joe Francis existing and profiting just really ruins my life so, lunch it is!
        I bought a really hippie packed salad from a local market. Quinoa, green onions, black beans, corn, and strips of bell pepper with a big tub of hummus. I also added a strawberry protein smoothie and it was really satisfying! In case I feel too vegan and healthy later, I have parmesan cheese Goldfish crackers in my desk drawer, waiting.

      • I know I’m late, but I made sort of a shrimp fra diavlo last night, so I had leftovers today. It was actually better today than it was last night!

      • Chicken donair with spicy fries.

    • Yeah I’ll just throw some random shit out there in an attempt to fill the universe with non-Joe Francis things.

      1) I am feeling very depressed today, and I don’t know why
      2) Chipotle sauce is a wonderful addition to any sandwich and I suspect most foods in general.
      3) Last night my girlfriend showed me David Foster Wallace’s This Is Water commencement speech and it was great.
      4) The weather in New York is kind of an asshole.
      5) Zebras are kind of just fashion conscious horses.
      6) I really don’t get the Sam Rockwell love, sorry guys. What movies has he done of note? I seriously don’t know the answer to that question and would genuinely like to know.
      7) Gabe mentioned yesterday that he is onto season 6A of the Sopranos and I want to know his thoughts on both 6A and 6B, as I thought they were the most interesting seasons of the show.
      8) WHY THE FUCK DID SAM LEAVE THE DAGGER IN THE SNOW AT THE END OF THE MOST RECENT GAME OF THRONES EPISODE.
      9) I was just really glad there were no Theon torture scenes in this most recent episode of Game of Thrones.

      • The weather in NY really is PLANET today. Wait, am I using that right? Should we ask Bill Hader?

      • My husband and I were yelling at the TV “Pick up the sword! Or at least the dagger!”

      • 6) Moon! He is so, so good in Moon.

      • I started watching season 3 of Game of Thrones then missed the last 1 or 2 episodes to watch season 1. I saw the season finale of season 2 so I’m all jumbled up, but I love it. So tonight I’m trying to catch up in time for the season 3 finale. it’s weird seeing Theon tortured and then trying to catch up to how that came to be. Also, now that I know what Jaime Lannister looked like before the beard, whoo-wee.

        Also, as someone who studied Arabic, I find Dothraki annoying in that they use the word meaning “I” as the objective pronoun “me/mine.”

      • Moon is a very good movie. Snow Angels is less good, but SR is great in it. I’ll also admit to some love for some moments in Gentlemen Broncos, although this is a guilty pleasure.

      • 1) I’m sorry to hear that. I recommend not trying to figure out a reason and just acknowledge it and sit with it. Searching for the reason can be anxiety-inducing and make it all worse. I’m feeling okay myself, but I know that in a couple hours I won’t be. I am obsessing over the new National album and the line “Every day I start so great and then the sunlight dims” because that is basically how my depression works.

        2. How hot is it?

        3. I love that speech and was so pleased to discover its beginnings in Infinite Jest. I also am proud that a former professor I introduced it to now uses it in class, after initially scoffing at the concept.

        4. So I’ve heard. I love Vermont weather, even when it is dire.

        5. I like thinking of it that way and may share this with my girlfriend tonight if I remember.

        6. Oh man, I feel like you might be missing out. I mean, people have probably already said this, but have you seen Moon? How about Confessions of a Dangerous Mind?

        • 1) It’s cool, I’ll be fine. And the new National album is great.
          2) Not really hot, but I have a high tolerance for spiciness
          3) Yeah I kind of just hated my alma mater more for giving us a speaker with the typical “go forth and conquer the world!” bullshit after hearing that speech.
          6) No, I am going to check that and Moon out at some point.

      • Everybody is correct, watch Moon immediately. And lilbobbytables is especially correct because Charlie’s Angels is the bomb dot com. Confessions of a Dangerous Mind is also worth watching.

      • 1) :( It happens. I hope you feel lighter.

        6) He was very good in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, which I loved when it came out in theaters, and watched again later and felt did not hold up as well as I’d hoped. Still, he was very good in it. Intense and pretty hard to forget.

      • 1) I hope the depression is short-lived. I just moved and had a meltdown in the middle of it, but then all of a sudden I was ok. And I HATE change and new situations so that is a concrete reminder that even if the world is dog shit, and you have to eat so many pills just to stay ok, I guess there’s not a whole lot to do but find something tolerable.

        4) The weather in Boston is confusing and shitty!

        5) That is true on many levels. Zebras are almost impossible to tame, just like the most fashionable people.

        My non-Joe Francis gripe for the day is stupid participants who make me be an asshole and beg them to stay in the study. I just really don’t want to deal with my boss making me feel guilty about drop-outs. ALSO research coordinators who recruit people who can barely speak English! There’s no way they are fully hearing you out and can be informed enough to consent to any study!

      • Re: 1): Thanks everyone, I think I will be ok. Just a random mood, more or less.

      • 1) I am in a “laugh so you don’t cry” mood today because the whole island is under a boil water advisory because our sewage treatment plant broke down, and yesterday all the metro lines were down during rush hour because one employee forgot to install an update and it fried the operating system, and bridges and balconies are constantly falling down because construction contracts in this province are a joke. My friends were joking that Montreal is a third world country, but when I was in a real third world country and I got sick I had the option of paying like 10$ extra to see a doctor right away whereas when I broke my wrist here last year I waited in the ER for over 10 hours without even seeing the triage nurse and finally just went home and put it in a brace. So.
        6) I think I was the only one who liked this movie, but the Assassination of Jesse James was great.
        8) I FUCKING KNOW, RIGHT?!?

  10. Of course the brute and rapist thinks he’s being brutalized.

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