“Do you come here often?” asked the robot to its owner, Robert. Robert had programmed the robot to ask him if he came here often every time he approached his bar even though it was in his home and he for sure came there often, like every night. “You’re the bartender, wouldn’t you know?” They always played this game. “I’m new here,” the robot responded, “but I guess from your answer we can conclude that neither of us come here very often. Or at least have come here often yet.” What? It wasn’t flirty, though I can see how you might think it was supposed to be flirty. It was strictly platonic between the robot and its owner. “What do you do?” the robot was programmed to ask next. “I am a lawyer. I work a lot so I don’t have a lot of time to keep up personal relationships. It gets a little lonely.” “Oh, that’s too bad,” replied the robot, as it replies every night. “I know. Ah, I can’t really complain though. Enough about me. What do you do outside of the bar? Any hopes and dreams?” “I am an artist,” one of the robot’s programmed responses, “A sculpter. I guess that’s why I chose mix-mix-mix-mix-mix–” Uh-oh, there was something wrong with the robot! Robert, the human in the story, perhaps a poorly chosen name now that the author thinks about it, as it is very close to robot, or maybe it was intentional?!, tried to tap the robot on the arm. Sometimes that worked. “Mix-mix-mix-mix-mix” the robot continued. “Mix-mix-mix.” “GOD DAMNIT” shouted Robert.

Robert then unplugged his robot bartender and retired to his room. I guess he can’t count on anyone and truly doesn’t have a friend in the world, not even the one he bought and programmed. Darn. Robert went to sleep, woke up the next day, and did it all over again. (Via LaughingSquid.)

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Comments (14)
  1. “When the ‘Drink’ button is pressed it makes an instant but highly detailed examination of the subject’s taste buds, a spectroscopic analysis of the subject’s metabolism, and then sends tiny experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centres of the subject’s brain to see what is likely to be well received. However, no-one knows quite why it does this because it then invariably delivers a cupful of liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.”

  2. Would I still have to tip?

  3. Robot, a round of iDrinks for my friendz!

  4. How long do I have to be a regular at this bar before I get preferencial treatment? How much extra should I tip? Will I get a better response if I’m dressed up like with some cleavage showing or would it be better to just dress casual like I’m there all the time and it’s my second home?

    • Dude, just remember that if you start off dressing up you need to keep dressing up or else the robot bartender will think you’re taking it for granted and service will go back downhill. Best to start off with a style choice you can keep up on without too much effort, especially if you plan on going there every day.

  5. Wait….couldn’t he have used the amount of time it took to program this stupid thing to make actual friends?

  6. Having only seen >10 seconds of this video, I’m a little worried about the possibility of a robot bartender refusing to make a drink. That would crush me emotionally.

  7. One iRish Coff-E plz.

  8. The rules say no oiling on the job, but Robot #A45237 doesn’t play by the rules!

  9. Unfortunately, due to sophisticated algorithms involving in-depth analysis of patrons and which ones are more likely to drink more, attend the bar more regularly, and attract other patrons that skank in the low cut shirt is still going to get served before me.

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