Brad Pitt is the subject of the cover article of Esquire this month, talking about whatever it is that Brad Pitt talks about. I’m literally not sure. I could read the whole thing and at the end I would just be like, uh, he’s Brad Pitt? I heard him on Fresh Air one time and after 45 minutes of answering Terry Gross’s questions, the only thing I remember him saying is that he doesn’t like to talk about himself because he’s from the midwest. Haha. OK! Anyways, it’s hard out there for a shrimp, but it’s even harder out there for a Brad Pitt!

“So many people hate me because they think I’m disrespecting them,” he says. “So I swear to God, I took one year where I just said, This year, I’m just going to cop to it and say to people, ‘Okay, where did we meet?’ But it just got worse. People were more offended. Every now and then, someone will give me context, and I’ll say, ‘Thank you for helping me.’ But I piss more people off. You get this thing, like, ‘You’re being egotistical. You’re being conceited.’ But it’s a mystery to me, man. I can’t grasp a face and yet I come from such a design/aesthetic point of view. I am going to get it tested.” It’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t even like going out — “that’s why I stay at home” — but he’s also a public person, the center of crowds. “You meet so many damned people,” he says. “And then you meet ‘em again.”

You meet so many damned people, and then you meet ‘em again. HAS THERE BEEN A MORE CRYSTALLIZED TRUTH?!
It’s weird that Brad Pitt has such a hard time remembering faces since he comes from a design/aesthetic point of view. CAN’T YOU GUYS SEE THAT HE IS NOT WELL?! He’s sick! Seriously, though, who are these people getting so mad at Brad Pitt?

He’s Brad Pitt, guys, cut him some slack. “Brad Pitt didn’t remember me at the party.” Grow up. No one remembered you. Is there anything worse than meeting someone and having them grumpily tell you that you’ve already met them? It definitely leaves a very memorable impression of someone that you wish you’d never met! Now imagine you’re Brad Pitt and this happens. What a nightmare. “You are so conceited, Brad Pitt.” “Well, I do the best I can. I’m literally one of the single most famous people in the whole world who is faced with a near constant stream of people wanting something from me whether it’s an autograph, a photograph, a job, a donation, or a performance, but I guess that one time that you saw me in the lobby of a hotel and you told me that your kid really loved Fight Club even though you yourself had admittedly never seen it should have stuck in my mind more because you’re obviously great and maybe we could continue this conversation somewhere more private because I’d love to hear your thoughts on Obama’s foreign policy.” Good grief. Is no one safe? Would you hit it?

Comments (25)
  1. “Brad. Brad! BRAD! It’s George. George Clooney. Really? Are we doing this again? We were in Burn After Reading together. Nothing? Oceans 11? Oceans 12?? Oceans 13??? Confessions of a Dangerous Mind? Ugh! Unbelievable! You are too goddamn much, man. TOO goddamn much!”

    • I imagine his kids have this conversation with him at the breakfast table every godamned morning.

      “Uh, yeah, I’m Maddox? We know each other from BEING RELATED!?!?! Does that jog yer memory?”

    • To be fair, though, the call may have been coming from this guy:

      • I can’t even remember who is supposed to look like a famous person in this picture, or what famous person they are supposed to look like.

        The guy on the right does look like he could finish third in a Liam Neeson look-alike contest.

  2. About a month and some change ago, my friend did a photoshoot with a guy who was angling to be Brad Pitt’s official Brad Pitt double. My friend had to recreate iconic Brad Pitt images and poses with this guy. No idea if he got the job or not. No idea if that is an existing role that needs to be filled (what happened to the last double???) or just some weird superfan/twin that was looking to carve out an existence slightly less weird but definitely more insane than the people on Hollywood and Highland. I saw the proofs and they were HILARIOUS (but eerily accurate). Also: my friend had to take two showers that day because Brad Pitt’s double wears a lot of cologne.

    So… are we even sure this is Brad Pitt???

    • What happened to the last double? Look in the box! Look in the box!

    • “Angling to be Brad Pitt’s official Brad Pitt double” sounds like a bizarre pickup line.

      As in, “Would you like to be in a photo shoot with me? I’m angling to be Brad Pitt’s official Brad Pitt double.”

      If the guy really looked like Danny DeVito, that’s icing on the cake.

      • The weirdest part was that it was not to throw off the paparazzi or anything normal. It was to do background shots so Brad didn’t have to. Not just body or lighting double either. It was extra super weird, even by weird LA / Hollywood nightmare standards.

  3. Is it possible that those images of Brad Pitt in World War Z are less “chill” and more “brain-damaged”?

  4. I bet Brad Pitt doesn’t even remember the time I broke into his house. Granted, I broke in hoping he had Tilda Swinton’s contact info, but still! It was special to me, Brad! IT WAS SPECIAL TO ME.

  5. So what you’re telling us is that being Brad is the pits?

    :: Sad Trombone Sound ::

  6. Brad Pitt? Doesn’t ring a bell.

  7. Brad, some free advice:

    When you meet someone, play it safe — don’t say ‘nice to meet you,’ say ‘good to see you.’ It’s neutral and covers all social situations, whether meeting for the first time or not.

  8. I have a really, really good memory with these sorts of things. I often meet people twice without them remembering the first time, and don’t say anything because I have realized the extent to which I remember stuff like this could come off sorta creepy. It is weird when someone you don’t remember meeting can also recall small details about you without even trying. So as someone who is very experienced on the opposite end of Brad Pitt’s interactions with not remembering people, I just want to say shut the fuck up, people.

  9. A couple weeks ago, someone from the elementary school I went to between kindergarten and second grade posted an old class picture on Facebook and tagged everyone. I got several friend requests right after, and was particularly happy to see this one kid, who was the first Korean I ever went to school with (quarter Korean, but it was still salient as we were the only ones). I stalked him a little bit and saw that he had a Twitter. He’s been on since January and has written 12 Tweets. 4 of the 12 are directed at Samuel L. Jackson, asking him to follow back, because it looks like he knows Sammy J’s daughter?? I pictured this guy sitting in front of a computer getting straight-up angry that Samuel L. Jackson wasn’t following him on Twitter. That really got me down.

  10. Funny thing about the movie Se7en, they actually told Brad Pitt like 5 times what was in the box but he kept forgetting.

  11. when you think about addiction and how us normal people are encouraged to recover from the excessive use of drugs in order to live our lives with purpose and goals and stuff, it is just all kind of rendered bullshit after reading an interview with a millionaire who is obviously smoking some of that good shit. what i am saying is, these guys have access to all the good drugs.

  12. I’m sure if I were a celebrity I wouldn’t remember 95% of the names of people I met either (you know, since most of them see you on the street and just yell at you for a second or whatever). Jason Segel, who I met/talked with several times at the bar, remembered my name and seemed to know the names of like everyone else I worked with when they showed up at the bar he frequented… so… you know, it’s not all celebrities. (though, to be fair, he may not come from as much of a design/aesthetic point of view)

  13. Facial recognition is apparently a very specific part of the brain. (I saw it on Charlie Rose! Some woman picked up a model of the brain, pointed to the bottom, and said “it’s riiiiiight…HERE!”)

    And there is apparently a real condition called Prosopagnosia where people can’t recognize faces. One of my friends claims to have it — though he is otherwise pretty outgoing and cheerful and has never really reported any negative effects on his life, UNLIKE BRAD PITT who is clearly suffering greatly.

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