American actor and comedian Patton Oswalt is here making a veiled reference to a Scottsdale, Arizona restaurant called Amy’s Baking Company, which has become the Internet “thing” du jour. (Du jour is French for REDDIT.) Basically, a couple named Sammy and Amy own and operate a cake, hamburger, ravioli, pizza, and croissant restaurant in a strip mall in Scottsdale, Arizona that was featured on a recent episode of Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares. It is the first time in the show’s history where Gordon Ramsay found a restaurant’s owners to be so impossible to deal with that he walked away from the episode without making any changes or “helping” in any way. You can watch the second half of the episode here and I highly recommend it. It’s pretty powerful stuff. Highlights include the owners stealing the waitstaff’s tips, Amy firing a waitress, Sammy claiming that he is a gangster who is going to rough Ramsay up, and just, like, so much screaming and bugging out of the eyes and a pathologically violent reaction to the very HINT of anything resembling criticism. These guys seem great, like a very strong couple with very good heads firmly on their shoulders. (At the end of the clip, and seriously, do watch the clip, Ramsay says that he has to do the right thing and that he’s about to do something that he’s never done before, and all I can imagine is him setting the restaurant on fire with Sammy and Amy still inside.) ANYWAYS, that alone would be kind of fun, a good old clip, but it gets much better. Because in the past 24 hours, Sammy and Amy have taken to the restaurant’s Facebook page to defend themselves, which naturally drew the attention of Reddit, which only made things worse. Now it’s a whole thing. Lots of ALL CAPS and claiming that they are going to have the entire Internet arrested because God is on their side, etc. Enjoy it. This is what we’re all here for in the first place, right? So for this week’s caption contest, let’s have some real fun: write a Yelp review for Amy’s Baking Company and Pizzeria! (Don’t write an actual Yelp review unless you have been to the actual restaurant. We are not LIARS. Write a pretend one in the comments.)

Winner will receive Special Placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball but even if you do not win, you will at least not have to be Sammy and Amy, which seems like a very sad and difficult thing to have to be!

Comments (69)
  1. I think we found the next stupid restaurant to be made into a movie, as long as we can get Harmony Korine to direct.

  2. I’ve been to Scottsdale. You could do worse.

  3. wow seriously amy’s baking company

  4. FIVE stars. If you want to KNOW what an omelette cooked by WONDER WOMAN herself would taste like, come to Amy’s. IF NOT THEN FUCK YOU, YOU ARE NOTHING

  5. “Hey guys, I don’t mean to micromanage but before you drag my name into your earthly concerns, please brush up on the rules. I think I’ve provided abundant documentation of these guidelines, but in case you missed them:

    I highlighted some of the more relevant passages.” – God

  6. Frankly, I’d still rather go there than Applebee’s.

  7. Also, funny how there is so much vitriol directed at the internet, but I don’t see a peep about how they were portrayed on the show. That contract must have some serious confidentiality language in it.

  8. What’s the over/under on narcissistic personality disorder vs. pure, grade-A American sociopathy?

  9. After seeing ten seconds of part 2, I decided I had to watch the whole thing. See you in an hour, life!!!

    • I think what everyone is missing in the first half is this quote from Amy when asked by Gordon Ramsay if they have children. “We have three little boys but they’re trapped in cat bodies. Meow!”

  10. This whole thing is scary to me. It’s vultures latching on unstable people who are latching on vultures who are latching on unstable people. That this is an unfortunate runoff from the reality market makes me more uncomfortable. These two obviously have mental health issues that they need to adress and they invited a full-on crew to with the pretext that this might be fixed. It’s almost a call for help. They also invited this whole mess on themselves, and it sucks. This is how the internet can destroy people. I don’t care if they’re assholes but they put themselves out there and now what? They’re a joke. They’re a freaking meme. How does someone deal with that

    I just feel sad. There’s a metric fucking ton of anger here that they need to deal with, but the internet’s not making it any better.

    Sad face.

    • Dude, that kind of a downer comment is NEVER gonna get you in the Monster’s Ball.

    • I think this is an example of the internet breaking people, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing here. Pre-internet, they keep yelling at customers and serving shitty food and stealing from employees….and probably get away with it for much longer than they probably will now. At least people won’t waste their money there.

      As to the mental health issues…yeah I get that vibe too. But does anyone think they were going to find help for themselves otherwise? Seriously?

    • I was in a restaurant once while they were filming the Gordon Ramsey show and in fairness, he ruined the experience; the kitchen slowed way down and we heard arguing. Then the waiters in a panic ran out hors d’oeuvres no one ordered because the food everyone did order was bogged down. So yikes, I’d agree that G-Rams coming to your kitchen is mixed news at best.

      ALSO, I think we can ALL agree that Katie IS a poisonous littler viper who thinks she’s our boss. Good riddance to Katie.

    • So I’m watching the clip now and, I mean, wow. Of course, wow, everyone has already said “wow” but wow.

      Also here’s a question: Don’t you have to apply to get your restaurant on Kitchen Nightmares? This seems entirely voluntary. I don’t think it’s necessarily fair for thousands of people to continue to pick on them but they really seemed to go out of their way to be assholes on television. They applied for the show. They acted that way in front of cameras. They signed a release for it to be shown. It’s all such garbage. The whole thing (society) is garbage.

      • I think that, combined with what That One said, is the real problem. These people have serious issues, clearly. Get help? Naaah, this is the kind of shit people like to see on TV! Why try to resolve your issues, when you can get famous instead! It’s already too late for you to be a Teen Mom, but you can still make something of yourself!

      • I’ve watched Kitchen Nightmares off and on since it premiered, and the owners had a pretty common attitude among many of the show’s participants: Everything we do is great, but for some mysterious reason the restaurant isn’t doing well. Gordon Ramsay is going to come here and tell us how great we are and make everyone else realize it.

        If you watch the entire episode, they state that almost word for word.

        After watching the full episode, it was obvious to me that the wife should have simply opened a bakery; she apparently makes fantastic desserts, but is a not-so-great chef and particularly can’t keep up with the pressures of running a restaurant’s kitchen. That’s also a pretty common theme in other episodes of the show. It’s too bad that she and her husband are too full of themselves to take any constructive criticism. Ramsay wasn’t even that nasty to them, relatively speaking.

      • During one episode of a family-run Italian restaurant, the brother and sister called Gordon Ramsay and the brother that was in charge of the restaurant got railroaded-ish. He did a shit job and was surprised to find everyone telling him so.

  11. Move over Use Your Illusion, make way for Use Your Illusion Two: User Yourer Illusioner.

  12. 5/5. THIS IS GOD’S MUFFIN. FUCK FROYO. FUCK FANCY CHOCOLATES. FUCK YOU.

  13. Can I 1 star Yelp review this thread, because nobody’s playing the caption game! You guys!

  14. Ya know, I don’t really like commenting on other peoples’ appearance usually, but that woman looks like one of the people from that Twilight Zone episode where the woman undergoes unsuccessful plastic surgery. I mean she looks like the ugly people. Ironically, it may be the result of UNsuccessful plastic surgery.

  15. Anyone watch Part I and catch the weird, veiled racism about why it’s hard to find good workers in Arizona?? I encourage you to watch again. There went all my sympathy for these two.

  16. Something amazing happened on Kitchen Nightmares? This is literally (using this correctly) the first time my mom has the jump on me in terms of a viral media moment.

    Me: LOL, have you SEEN this, Mom?
    Mom: Uh, yeah, like DAYS ago.

  17. 0/5. The owners make Gordon Ramsay seem kind, patient, and reasonable. Plus there’s no off-street parking.

  18. Oh hey you guys don’t worry it wasn’t them being completely characteristically terrible people!!

    From Facebook 16 minutes ago:

    Obviously our Facebook, YELP, Twitter and Website have been hacked. We are working with the local authorities as well as the FBI computer crimes unit to ensure this does not happen again. We did not post those horrible things. Thank You Amy &Samy

  19. Whoa. So what kind of “kids” are they parents to? Do they have baby goats or something?

  20. Wait, Hollywood is rebooting reality now? This already happened with the same damn lady three years ago. I call shenanigans on all parties!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nexQhKIx39Q

  21. 5/5. The obviously homemade raviolis were the best I’ve ever had. Ever. They paired beautifully with my Blue Ribbon Garbage Burger (with truffle oil!! Great touch!) and Caesar Egg Salad entree. Ohmigod please help they’ve got my wife locked in the kitchen freezer and say that the police will never find us if I don’t finish this review my name is Allen Thomas and I’ve been missing for what feels like 3 days now please someone report this review to the authorities before they force feed me another slice of garbage pie. I even found some room for some of Amy’s DELICIOUS homemade pizza that some ungrateful internet asshole bully clearly didn’t have the class to appreciate and left behind. Because the incompetent waitstaff wouldn’t show the rude guest what’s what, Samy had to kindly escort him out. Real Gentleman, that guy!

    All in all, an A+ experience! These two are a true gift from God!

  22. Amy’s Baking Company
    Scottsdale, AZ
    5 stars

    Last Friday I was driving through Scottsdale when I got a sudden craving for pizza, baked goods, coffee, and beer. I noticed Amy’s Baking Company on the side of the road and thought, WOW, what luck!

    I was skeptical when I walked in and saw a tired-looking woman haranguing a waiter and full-on shouting at him when he mentioned something about someone stealing tips? I thought, well, that’s strange, and that can’t really be right because who does that, so I just sat down anyway because I really wanted my pizza/baked goods/coffee/beer.

    My lunch was kind of a disaster. The food was terrible, and it was hard to even attempt to enjoy it over the constant soundtrack of vitriol volleyed back and forth across the restaurant. It was so bad that I actually complained, which is not something I ever do.

    The owners Amy and Sammy came out to talk to me, and they demanded that I come with them into the restaurant’s office. I will admit that I was scared, but there was something authoritative in their demeanor, and I followed them into a small, dark room next to the kitchen. Amy and Sammy proceeded to shout at me, calling me a godless, miserable pussy, and claiming they had God on their side.

    It was then that I noticed the decor of the office – there were crucifixes on every wall, and a large shrine took up a quarter of the office. When I looked back at Amy and Sammy, their heads glowed under haloes of light, and they smiled at me with changed expressions, their eyes overflowing with sudden benevolence. Just then, an Angel appeared and put a white-lit hand on Amy and Sammy’s shoulders. The Angel spoke, and I learned that Amy and Sammy were the Lord’s servants, that they were put on this Earth to bring God to non-believers through their pizzeria/bistro/bakery/bar. I felt the Holy Spirit enter me like water into a parched mouth, and I fell on my knees and cried.

    Amy and Sammy gave me a croissant and wine on the house, and transformed by the power of my renewed belief, both offerings were excellent.

    • Steph! All your hundreds of words there reminded me! I TOTES tried to buy your book today! The store didn’t have it, though, so I had to figure out something else to read on the airplane. I just picked up something totally random, called “Tuesdays With Morrie.” I hope it’s good!

      • Nooo yea I don’t have a great sense of the distribution outside of like, the L.A. area. I found it in a B & N in New York when I had to use the bathroom, and that was nice! But it’s not stocked everywhere. If you have a bookstore you go to often, a cool thing you can do that I would be super grateful for is to have them order it. Also where are you going? I have not read Tuesdays With Morrie but I totally own it.

        • I’m going to Helsinki and then Italy. So it’ll be a long flight. And if they don’t have it when I get back, I plan to order it, but I didn’t want them to order it when I’ll be gone for 2 weeks.

          And I actually bought The Sisters Brothers, which I’ve heard is pretty good, despite having a title like a Tyler Perry movie.

          • The Sisters Brothers is GREAT. It’s more like a Coen brothers movie. Violent and dark with a sense of humor and a kind of folksy narrative voice.

  23. Hello I went to Amy’s Baking Company with my wife (my wife Borat voice). She ordered a salad which she always does because women be eating salad, it was like a plate of grass and dirt. I had a pizza and it tasted like it was in the sewer with the Ninja Turtles. Hey speaking of Borat this restaurant was good, not

  24. Ugh, I’m such a loser. I saw this tweet and actually answered earnestly. I’m not cut out for my generation.

  25. People have already mentioned this, but what on earth possesses restaurant owners to be on a show where we get to see how bad they are at their jobs?

    • Lots of money. Duh. And also, vain assholes like these two probably really wanted to be on TV. Actually, they can turn this to their favor if they turn all of the screaming into a show. People will go there ironically. It can be like upscale Scottsdale version of the Weiner’s Circle!

    • Yeah sometimes they get a free renovation out of it.

  26. PIZZA DAMN GOOD SON I ROLLED UP IN HERE WITH MY HOME BOY BUZZIN OFFA RUM N DP DRANK INNA SBARRO CUP WANTED MORE PIZZA GOT THAT MARGARITA PIE AND DAAMMMMM FILLIN AINT NO LIE NICE N CHEWY HOW I LIKE, ATE THE WHOLD DAM THANG, MY BOY TRYNA SNATCH A SLICE NUH UH GETCHA OWN HAHAAAA
    ONE LADY KEP MEOWING, KINDA HOT, NOT THE LADY THE MEOW, I’D HIT DAT THO, AINT NO LADY IN MY LIFE NOW

    3/5 STARS OLD DUDE BEHIND THE COUNTER KEP STARIN AT ME NOT COOL BRO

  27. Now that’s good television.

  28. My review: Aiiiiiiiiiiii.

  29. I saw that episode multiple times since it aired partly out of incredulity and partly to keep putting off my paper. I love that show but that couple is 10 pounds of crazy in a 5 pound straight-jacket.

  30. TRAVIS LINDSAY FTW

  31. I think we can all agree that this is going to make for an awesome Nathan For You episode.

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