Courtney Stodden, dream of dreams, well-adjusted princess sent down from God’s entertainment sector, how did you become such a success? How do you maintain that level of success (measured, of course, in how often you are brought up here, as if we are moths to your red and orange streamers pasted together and placed near a fan, in the attempt to create a flame-like simulation from afar) while staying true to your career goals and, most importantly, to who you are? Tell me. Tell me, Courtney Stodden’s mom. From E! Online:

“We take our jobs very seriously,” [Krista Keller] Stodden exclusively tells E! News, explaining why momagers are better than your average manager. “We want our children to be the best they can be in their profession. We’re the best type of managers because we’re with our teenager 24/7.”

“When a client goes away from the momager, they are surrounded by people that may not be trusted. Look at Britney Spears—she had to go back to her dad to manager her. A lot of people go through a lot of managers in their career. Courtney knows she’s in the best hands. I will always try to find the best fit for her,” she says. …

“We’ve turned down hundreds of thousands of dollars, possibly millions, to do porn. I’ll never encourage Courtney to do nudity just to earn a paycheck.”

And finally, she applauds fellow momagers for their hard work, “I respect Kris Jenner. She does an incredible job. I respect Teri Shields. And even Dina Lohan for how hard she worked for Lindsay.

“I’ll never encourage Courtney to do nudity just to earn a paycheck,” she explained, waving politely from the Gold step at the Momager Olympics, Dina Lohan and Kris Jenner just below her at the Silver and Bronze levels, respectively. And with that she ascended into Heaven. As she, lighted and brilliant, disappeared from the vision of the crowds below you could faintly hear her calling out to Courtney’s 100-year-old husband, Doug — “She’s your child now, Doug. You are her momager. Exploit her riiiiiiiiigggghhhhhttttttttttttt.”

Comments (18)
  1. Which one is the mom?

  2. Umm… point of order. Jamie Spears didn’t become Britney Spear’s manager, he was her conservator. This means a court deemed a grown woman who danced in her underwear with a snake and then shaved her head and attacked a car with an umbrella to no longer be fit to take care of herself and appointed her father to literally run her life to make sure she didn’t confused Windex for Blue Drink.

  3. I was going to make a Dina Lohan joke, but Courtney Stodden’s mom beat me to it. Um. I didn’t have a back-up joke ready guys. I guess I’ll just take this opportunity to thank my mom for not being like Courtney Stodden’s mom. Thanks mom! You’re the best!

  4. Thank goodness her mom has a good head on her shoulders and knows where to draw the line. “No porn for the child I raised to march around in underoos and 8 inch Lucite heels in order to attract the attention of a 60 year old hebephile so her touchy feely father and I can earn a paycheque. This is a Christian country, we have values.”

  5. I am just really curious as to what exactly Courtney Stodden’s mom defines as “porn.” Do you think she watches Cinemax at 1AM because they are just fun, intriguing movies with great writing/acting?

  6. “As she, lighted and brilliant, disappeared from the vision of the crowds below you could faintly hear her calling out to Courtney’s 100-year-old husband, Doug — “She’s your child now, Doug. You are her momager. Exploit her riiiiiiiiigggghhhhhttttttttttttt.””

    Might as well go back to bed, Kelly. That’s as good as it’s going to get.

  7. “Momagers are the best because we can carpool.” -Nobody

  8. I was at a restaurant in Hollywood with my mom on Sunday, and these two young ladies walked in and sat down next to us. They were probably about 20 at the most, and were dressed up like they were Courtney Stoddens going to a Vegas night club with Paris Hilton. This was at like 4:30 pm. They each had armfuls of shopping bags; they been visiting the boutiques around the restaurant. Then a Mrs Stodden/Dina Lohan-type lady came and sat down with them and they both immediately started sobbing and calling people on their phones in hysterics. They ate a basket of fried pickles, one of them drank half a light beer, and then the two young ladies suddenly jumped up and ran out and into the Urban Outfitters. The mom sat their for a minute, and then slowly gathered up all of the shopping bags and sauntered over to the UA. Later I walked through the Urban Outfitters, and they were still in their trying on hats and stuff, their faces streaked with running mascara. #HollywoodDays

  9. Possibly millions ahaha

  10. “We’re the best type of managers because we’re with our teenager 24/7.”

    Wait, you were with her when she met/dated/married a man that is SO much older than her? I know age is just a number, but come on!

    Also, if you are still with her 24/7, that probably makes for a rather awkward marriage.

  11. Except that I’m pretty sure I remember Courtney Stodden going on at length about how she was going to do Playboy as soon as she was of-age, and Playboy issuing a formal statement essentially saying “Uh, thanks, but no thanks. We prefer our naked skanks less trashy.” And I was all, like *Tim Allen voice* “rrruuuuuuhhhhh? Didn’t Playboy let Lindsay Lohan, International Escort do a spread?”

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