If there is one thing I think we can all agree on about princess Merida from the Pixar movie Brave it is that she could be a LOT hotter. Do something with that hair, girl, LOL. You are a princess, take it seriously. The good news is that DIsney is ushering her into their official pantheon of Disney Princesses (that is the good news for sure) and they’ve FINALLY made her hotter. Girl’s dress is NOT torn. Girl’s hair is TAKEN CARE OF. Girl’s boobs ARE bigger. She looks goooooood. Of course, some women are complaining that this makeover was unnecessary and have started an on-line petition to convince Disney to keep Merida the way she was in the movie. WOMEN BE SHOPPIN AND BY SHOPPIN I MEAN STARTIN’ PETITIONS! Ugh, women. Am I right? Is there anything worse than women?! Although I would like to give a big shout out to the people who spent years and years and years of their lives carefully illustrating Merida to be a very specific and unique and believable character, only to have her hair de-kinked and her dress de-torn and her boobs de-smalled in the blink of an eye by the Princess Committee or whoever is running things over there. I am sure it is hard to watch them do that to your work so maybe next time just make her so much hotter in the first place, right? Right. The real question, though, is of course WOULD YOU HIT IT? Let us know in the comments if you would hit it. (Via BoingBoing)

Comments (83)
  1. When they fixed her dress, do you think they used Scotch tape?

    (OK, that pun was incredibly weak and really doesn’t make any sense in this context, but I found that GIF earlier and have been itching to use it and the morning links gave me nothing. So pardon an old monster for his sins, if you will.)

  2. Where do I sign a petition to make her even hotter?

    Sorry, I had to do that since Facetaco is out to lunch.

  3. I WANT TO BARF ALL OVER THIS AND I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE THE MOVIE!

  4. Princesses aren’t supposed to be sexy, Disney. Go to a museum much?

  5. So I didn’t see the movie, but isn’t she supposed to be fairly young? This is just weird.

  6. It’s never too early to learn that despite you accomplishments and verve, ladies, we must never forget that our only real value is in our looks!

    Now who wants to relax with a big bowl of yogurt?

    • Ooh, me! As long as by “relax” you mean bemoan how fat we are while simultaneously shoe shopping and nagging our long-suffering significant others.

    • Sorry, I already have a lunch date:

      • eeeek i can’t stand having lunch with friends who pull out tupperware full of carrots and then say how much they loove carrots …. i mean, come on. every day with the carrots for lunch. then my one friend says to me, “you’re always eating sandwiches!” no shit, it’s lunch! everyone’s eating sandwiches!

        • Sometimes I get a burrito. Guess that’s why I’ll never be a Disney princess.

        • yeah, carrots are a snack, people! they are not filling whatsoever.

          I usually eat lunch with the boys, cause eating with most of the women at my office means hearing about weight watchers and calories and how sick of carrots people are. It makes me sad.

          • Too many carrots make me feel sick. However, i have mastered carving faces into baby carrots using my fingernails. That’s the only upside of carrots.

            I AM a chick into vegetables, though. I feel like most people eat vegetables begrudgingly but you guys, come on. It is a delicious crunchy snack that nature makes for free in your back yard. Yeah, chicks eating JUST CARROTS for lunch is so stupid it hurts. But if you have your cucumber to eat like a candy bar, a buttload of grapes, then some green beans, some cheese, tomatoes, then you eat some cookies – perfect lunch. I never outgrew my brown bag lunch.

          • I too love vegetables! But I usually like to roast or stirfry them. I generally just get mad when people eat plain vegetables and complain about them being bland. there are so many things to do with them to make them tasty!

        • I worked with a guy who always wanted me to go with him to get Indian for lunch, and I was always like, “No, man, then I’m just all full and sleepy all afternoon.” And he was like “Um, portion control.” And he MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN EATING LUNCH CARROTS. Sorry you eat INDIAN FOOD like a LITTLE BIRD, dude. Live your life. Ugh.

  7. I must truly be a man, because the only changes I notice is that she’s animated and her dress is more sparkly.

    • By “animated” I meant “not CG”

    • Yes, controversial opinion, but this could have been a worse makeover. Little victories??? I dunno, the whole princesses thing is just too much and so whenever it comes up, instead of being able to form a coherent opinion, my brain just releases a bunch of melatonin and I lay down and fall asleep.

      • I agree that’s it’s not a super extreme transformation–but yes, it’s just weird that Disney Princesses have become this whole crazy, separate industry from the movies and kind of taken on a life of their own, and I don’t know how to feel about it either. It’s a gross, obvious money grab, but a lot of little girls genuinely love it? It perpetuates a lot of harmful stereotypes, but so does everything? I don’t know. It bothers me, but some of the critique ALSO bothers me, because it veers a little too close to “This is GIRL stuff that GIRLS like, and therefore it is clearly stupid and terrible and those dumb girls need to be told to like better stuff (by which they almost always mean “boy” stuff) instead.”

        Huh. I feel more ways about this than I realized, I guess.

        • This is why I just drink until I can’t think thoughts.

        • ” It perpetuates a lot of harmful stereotypes, but so does everything?”
          I agree with this a lot! I think a lot of little girls love princesses and so of course Disney is capitalizing on that and I think when people have little girls it’s both about picking your battles and supplementing your daughter’s love of princesses with helping her understand that she’s a ton of other wonderful things besides beautiful and with pretty dresses.

          • Yeah. I think somehow they should mention the part about helping govern a country/people.

          • Exactly. My brother’s stepdaughter is going through a big princess phase and her mom, who was never into stuff like that as a kid, is really struggling with it. She doesn’t want to deny her daughter stuff she loves, but she worries about how to deal with all the negative messages come along for the ride. It’s hard. Things are hard!

            And specialk, I actually read a really interesting article addressing the fact that movie princesses are almost never portrayed as having any political power, but I don’t remember what it was called or where I read it, unfortunately.

          • Except maybe Pocahontas. But the story is loosely based on John Smith’s testimony that Bradford (I think that’s the guy) back then called him out on. #highschool

          • I just watched Brave, and while it was not the best and I honestly don’t remember much about it, I think it did a pretty good job of discussing the political powers of the royal families. The queen kept pressuring her daughter to pick a guy to calm all the factions, which I’ve never seen in a Disney movie.

            But, will kids get the difference between that plot and any of the love-story based princess movies?

        • I have mixed feelings about this as well, for all the reasons you said. My main problem with the Disney Princess Brand, takes what Disney has made, which I may not always love, but they HAVE put time and thought into it, and then makes it super sexy. I don’t want little girls OR boys growing up thinking that liking “girl stuff” is an invalid choice, but I also don’t want them thinking “girl stuff” = “super sexy stuff”.

          • My favorite fact about Disney Princesses, which I learned from the Peggy Orenstein book, is that this brand came about years and years after the death of Walt Disney and anyone who was a hardcore carrier-out of his wishes, b/c his cardinal rule of marketing was that no two characters from different Disney stories should ever appear together, because it ruins the magic. That’s why the Princesses appear together, but they never interact or even make eye contact. They just stare coyly out at the consumer.

          • Oh yeah, making them HOTT BABEZ is super yuck.

          • Agree. Agree. Agree. Also, I think a little bit of my confusion about this is that it’s being marketed to children and why would a child care if her boobs are bigger? Were children really saying, “I could love this movie, but only if the main character had a bigger rack.”?? I don’t understand where the need for the makeover came from, I guess.

          • I love that book and am still amazed that people actually spoke on the record. Disney is a terrifying, evil company to degrees that I cannot even begin to explain. The way they trademark and brand open source material is disgusting. I like to tell little girls that are into the princess crap that they need to learn 8 languages and go through extensive manners training if they want to be a princess because being a global figure is hard, especially knowing that their costumes are made by other little girls exactly their age!

            Disney also just tried to trademark and own Día De Los Muertos this week. Evil evil evil.

          • Yeah when I heard they tried to trademark Dia de los Muertos I was like:

          • I wasn’t. They’re so fucking evil. The crap I had to do for them made me cry myself to sleep at night.

          • You worked for them?

          • Oh my god, badideajeans, tell us all about it. Tell us everything. Start at the beginning. Or just tell me, somehow.

          • Don’t have time today but basically I had to make websites for corporate entities that actively made the world a worse place… with the Disney smile tattooed on everything. It’s a cult. A scary, lawyer-intensive cult. (And they essentially bankrupted me by stringing me along for months and months of interviews for this very crappy job after I got laid off from their TV network.)

            Very high interest credit cards targeting low income families, Disney branded food-like products with no nutritional value also targeted at low income families, the D23 cult, open source fonts they would brand as Disney and sue people who used them… you name it. Oooh I did the page detailing all the hair and piercing and makeup restrictions for interns — a loophole they got around by hiring interns as “cast members” and then saying they were hired as a cast member so they are violating the look… which they agreed to be a part of by joining as cast. Literally everything I did for Big Mouse was actually evil.

            And I couldn’t afford to not work for them… because I lost my savings while they strung me along for a hire for a real position, then hired me as a long-term temp. At least 60 percent of the workers for Disney corporate were temps that got terrible or no benefits because they were all technically employees of Kelly or Manpower or the like — senior level production members are temps for 18 months at a time, fired, rehired a week later so they aren’t forced to give them decent health insurance or other stuff. But because the people who are hired by Disney get really great benefits, they can brag about being a great company to work for (even though most people working for them don’t technically work for them).

            When the gig ended, I literally skipped out of there.

          • Wow, thanks. That was super upsetting and fascinating. I’m sorry you had to deal with all that. If you even need to vent anymore, COME FIND ME. I especially want to know more about the “cult of D23″.

          • badideajeans can tell you more than I can because she worked there directly, but I have a friend who works there, so since badidea’s said she’s busy I’ll jump in with two cultish details.

            1) There’s a “secret door” in the New Orleans section, behind which is a staircase leading up to a secret restaurant called “33.” You can gain admission only by joining a secret club, which costs $10,000 ANNUALLY — and it is so popular, there is a 14-year waiting list to join this club.

            2) On their big anniversaries of employment, employees receive special pins. Like, a Mickey pin for 20 years or whatever. And this is considered an amazing prize. People are jealous of the pins, and aspire to them. Can you imagine if your employer said “You’ve been here 20 years, here’s a trinket with our logo on it?” You’d say “Thanks, jerk, how about a raise,” and throw it in your junk drawer. But employees there are so indoctrinated that they see true value in this toy. My friend who worked there called me all excited when she got her 15-year…

            Although, hilariously, she noted she’d worked there 21 years but the first 6 didn’t count due to weird practices of temping/part-timing that badidea already outlined. Did she resent them for cheating her out of those 6 years? Yes! But as soon as she expressed dissatisfaction — in a private conversation with me, a friend — she immediately reversed it, saying O but she loves the place, and they’re so smart, and so good, and she’s so lucky! IT IS A CULT.

          • Also: people collect the in-house employee newsletters and there is an underground trade in which not Disney employees pay actual money to collect a company newsletter. And VPs would wear mouse ears in meetings because forced whimsy is THE BEST. I got in trouble for leaving a forced viewing of a 3D movie because most CGI and 3D makes me really motion sick or dizzy or anxious.

            And a couple of my friends have eaten at this restaurant and said it was Disney cafeteria food on expensive Disney china… but they have alcohol so, hey, alcohol.

            D23 is a group that is for the super fans of Disney who want to spend $100 a year for “exclusive” content and a yearly pin along the lines of what hotspur described. It’s a terrible, highly-gated website that I used to have to manage… and we did “celebrity” chats with people who designed the topiary arrangements near some rides. But to these people, that gardener was a celebrity. These are people who would complain that a font on the page about something from 1947 wasn’t introduced until 1963 and the site should really know better than to mix up the kearning. (Real post on a real Facebook page that really got a designer or VP — who would then yell at the designer — in trouble.)
            The best part? It’s basically old crap they were going to toss or whatever and realized enough people would pay for the privilege of reading about it or getting a biannual magazine about it that they could pull even more money from an already broke audience who hoards crap.

            Not to mention the ridiculous waste they generate. Everything I was pushing online was for something that would end up in a landfill or the ocean garbage islands in about 5 months. Oh and some shitty Miley Cyrus movie.

            Oh and because of the being poor and having to take the job thing, my parents took care of my dog for that time… so Disney kept me away from my kid. Fuckers.

          • Oh and at some point the Walt Disney Museum in SF (owned by the family, not by Disney) did a retrospective of Peter Pan or some old film and told the story of how the actor in the movie was pushed through the studio and ended up a heroin addict… and how the studio system and child acting ruins people’s lives and didn’t tell Disney Corp about it until the opening so I had to work with the rad museum people and irate Disney VPs that were doing immediate pull downs of any advertising of the exhibit (which was designed for MONTHS and spaced out over about 200 pages and was going to be seen on a ton of sites for 3 months’ time whatever the length of the exhibit was) because, according to the VPs the family didn’t “stay on message.”

          • Oh and each company anniversary pin has a code on it so if you try to sell it on ebay while you still work there and get caught… it’s grounds to be fired. The company does stings to see who is selling the pins.

        • My nieces are way, way into princesses and same thing: my brother and his wife are mystified. They did nothing to spark the interest — she loved them on her own, and now they can barely keep up with that love. They’re confused as to why her absolute favorite is Sleeping Beauty, the most passive one (my niece is not the best explainer of why SB is her favorite; and SB is NOT hot, no way would I hit SB if Ariel were around, or Rapunzel). But one thing I noticed is that last time I saw my niece, she was wearing a (temporary) tattoo of Tiana (the black one) and she also likes Jasmine a lot, so, from age 5 the princesses are bringing her into a very multicultural world. That’s a good thing. #silverlinings

          (NOTE: Mulan’s acceptable, but apparently Pocahontas can suck it.)

  8. Merida – Desperate Housewife of DunBroch.

  9. It doesn’t even matter, it’s not like she’s going to be an *actual* Disney Princess. In all the merchandise they usually only use the Top 5, and will maybe throw Jasmine a bone once in a while.

  10. I wouldn’t hit it, because a) I like boys and b) she’s a cartoon. I would def hit Aladdin, though

  11. My 2 year old niece has a “Brave” wig. When I babysat, she made me wear it. Then she laughed at me!

    • Wait. Kelly has a 2-year-old daughter now?? Way to bury the lede, videogum.

      Now I’m picturing Kelly at work (aka in the next room, Googling cute animals on YouTube) while Kate babysits (aka watches TV while playing a laser pointer around the floor or however it is you entertain 2-yr-olds). “Mom, keep it down, I’m trying to PERFECT THIS SENTENCE ABOUT BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH.”

      Kate refuses to keep it down. She shouts back, “You do your best work in adversity, honey! Remember how funny you were in the Friendly Chat about the Spring Breakers trailer? You wrote that during a kitchen fire!”

      “Ugh,” Kelly thinks. “At least she did not go to Chicago.”

  12. Meh. Kelly McDonald is still hotter. Though she’s got a bit of a built in advantage considering she’s, ya know, human.

  13. Ugh the thing is I wonder how much thought even went into this. I mean this body shape is like some kind of default, I’m sure. Why bother with a normal CHILD’s body when you can slip in a neat hourglass?

  14. I feel like this is less an attempt to make Merida sexier and more a case of a lazy illustrator who can only draw one type of smile and body. That sassy look is like CalArts Animation 101.

  15. So, the writer of the article is a pedophile…?

    She’s 16 at that stage in the movie; also…

    http://io9.com/5989177/actual-list-of-disney-princess-ages-will-make-you-feel-like-a-monster

    Jasmine? 15
    Snow White? 14
    Ariel, Mulan, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty)? 16

    Seriously? Pervert.

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