Kelly: Hey, g
Gabe: yo k
Kelly: watup
Gabe: not much homegirl
Gabe: and scene.
Kelly: hahah
Gabe: that was already making me very uncomfortable
Gabe: i didn’t want to see what happened next
Kelly: That’s definitely fair
Kelly: So, it was raining earlier today and then it was beautiful, but now it looks like it’s going to rain again
Gabe: that’s too bad
Gabe: although i guess it could be worse, right?
Gabe: like you could be abducted and held in a house for 10 years
Gabe: don’t get me wrong: rain stinks
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: I knew you were going to say that
Kelly: and you are correct
Gabe: unless of course you haven’t experienced it
Gabe: in a decade
Gabe: in which case a little rain instead of torture and isolation might even be nice
Kelly: hmmmm
Kelly: Still a bummer though
Gabe: oh boy, here we go

Kelly: How many spoilers have you already collected for the currently-in-production Anchorman 2?
Gabe: i know that tina fey and amy poehler get in a fight with sacha baron cohen
Gabe: and also that will ferrell fights a shark
Gabe: so i feel like i have pretty much seen the whole movie?
Kelly: Uh, actually it seems like you are missing a pretty big newly discovered element of the movie, GABE
Kelly: How could you have missed the fact that KANYE WEST is possibly going to have a cameo as well???????????
Kelly: Oops, I mean
Kelly: Kanye West is probably going to have a cameo as well
Gabe: ugh, what’s even the point?
Gabe: of life on Earth, i mean?
Kelly: Oh, love I think
Gabe: i don’t even care about Anchorman 2, i never have
Kelly: OMFG
Gabe: but, like, why can’t we ever just enjoy things
Gabe: isn’t the fun of a surprise celebrity cameo in a movie
Gabe: the surprise?
Kelly: Yeah
Gabe: like when Skrillex was in Wreck It Ralph?
Kelly: GABE!!!!!!!!!
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: Like when Bill Murray was in SPOILER ALERT
Kelly: That one was actually very good
Gabe: skrillex? i know
Kelly: GABE
Gabe: i feel like people get some kind of weird, sad pleasure out of ruining things for everyone else
Gabe: is that what it was like for you just now, kelly?
Gabe: did you feel pleasure?
Kelly: ew
Kelly: But yeah it’s always nice when I get to take some joy away from you
Kelly: Though apparently you don’t care about anchorman 2 anyway

Gabe: no, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have MY VALUE SYSTEM INTACT
Gabe: i hate spoilers in general, but spoilers for something that you don’t even have the opportunity to see without it being spoiled because it isn’t going to be out for two years are the worst of all
Kelly: You are definitely right
Kelly: And for those who don’t do it out of some desire to take joy away from others seem to do it, I guess, just so people know that they ALSO know?
Gabe: right, it’s like bragging rights
to literally the worst brag
Kelly: hahah
Gabe: which is that you get to ruin something for others FIRST
Gabe: like, if Will Ferrell bragged that Kanye was in it
Gabe: that’s an earned brag
Gabe: but he wouldn’t, because he wouldn’t want to take away your PLEASURE
Gabe: ultimately it keeps coming back to one thing: pleasure
Kelly: haha, that’s what it seems like
Kelly: I mean, I can at least understand the people who want to ruin it, because people are monsters, and people also need those SWEET CLICKS
Kelly: But I do not understand
Kelly: The people who seek out spoilers
for things they are going to see anyway
Kelly: What is their deal?
Kelly: Relax
Gabe: ugh
Gabe: i guess it’s just a perverted form of excitement, right?
Gabe: like, people are excited about something, and they don’t know what to do with that energy
Kelly: I guess so
Kelly: A very short-sighted solution
Gabe: it also explains the House of Cards model now, or whatever, where everyone just wants to have everything at once
Gabe: which on the one hand, i can sort of understand, it’s like getting to hit the food pellet lever whenever you want
Gabe: but there is actually another, distinct form of PLEASURE that comes specifically from
Gabe: not getting what you want right away
Gabe: delayed gratification (which is a word that means PLEASURE)
Kelly: ugh gross this chat is gross
Kelly: But yeah
Kelly: And then once you use it all up
Kelly: It’s gone!
Gabe: i’ve never understood
Gabe: when people get upset when a show goes on hiatus
Gabe: because i really like when shows go away and then come back
Gabe: there are always other shows to take their place
Gabe: and then when they come back you are excited
Gabe: to have them back

Kelly: Yeah
Kelly: Not to mention how exhausting it would be to have, like
Kelly: A new episode of Mad Men every single week FOREVER
Kelly: Yuck
Gabe: also, do you know how many good movies there are?
Kelly: hahah
Gabe: what about watching those
Gabe: instead of reading about cameos in ones that won’t come out for 2 years
Gabe: KELLY?
Kelly: Oh, uh
Kelly: Yeah no I don’t know
Kelly: Queue up a movie and watch 15 seconds of it
Kelly: Every time you’re tempted to read a spoiler
Gabe: perfect
Gabe: u solved it
Kelly: What an easy solush
Gabe: ew
Kelly: Gives me a lot of pleash
Gabe: you’re fired

(Child, Drawing Board, and TV images from Shutterstock.)

Comments (38)
  1. I don’t even see this as a spoiler, really. Not all cameos are meant to be surprises.This is less a spoiler and more just naming cast members.

  2. I wish when I saw a movie I had zero information about it no title, no actors nothing I just give you $10 and maybe it’s just Maru jumping in and out of a box no spoilers about whether or not she ever leaves that box

    • I did that once. Sort of. I knew the title, but it was in Italian, so it was just letters to me. Also, the whole dang movie was in Italian, so I was never able to figure out what was going on. It started with a girl simultaneously giving a fat dude a blowjob and crying. Then it got weird.

    • I try to get as close to that as i can, but i need a little something to go on. Otherwise i might end up like that lady in the theatre when i saw Mulholland Drive – she obviously had NO IDEA what a David Lynch movie was. Every time something Lynchian happened she exclaimed quite loudly “Hunnnh?! What?! Mmmn-nnnn… Unh-uh! Mn Mn Mn. tsk tsk tsk. Hunnnnnh” Every time. And she REALLY did not approve of that scene with the two ladies getting spoiler alert frisky.

    • One of my favorite movies of all time was discovered this way. I went to see a double feature. The first movie was a Marx Brothers or something (I honestly don’t remember), and it was followed by a foreign language thing I’d never heard of called Nights of Cabiria from 1957. I almost left but decided I’d stick around for the first 10 minutes. Two hours later I pretty much floated home. Amazing.

      My neighbor regularly borrows movies from me this way. He’ll just come over and say “Give me 3 movies.” He never wants to know anything about them; he barely he even reads the titles. This isn’t a big gamble though because I have rad taste.

      • Also I didn’t know it was foreign or from 1957. I knew NOTHING. And this was in the days when the guy who ran that theater made these completely inspired pairings for the double features, that often seemed completely mismatched on the surface, so you couldn’t guess the parameters of the second movie based on the first. They might have the same writer, or they shared a location, or maybe both featured a secondary character in an eyepatch — but that’s it.

        • I once saw a double feature of Intolerable Cruelty and Reindeer Games. You figure it out.

          • Both starred winners of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. That is seriously my guess. Unless there is a line in Intolerable Cruelty like “I’m not playing your reindeer games.”

      • I love this!

    • One day in high school, my friend and I decided to watch a movie. We heard that this one movie was supposed to be good, and we clicked on the Moviephone link. I guess we didn’t really read the page, but based on the small picture, we thought it was a Spanish language claymation movie and just went. Spoiler alert the movie was Pan’s Labyrinth. Spoiler alert we were terrified/enjoyed the shit out of it.

    • I’m late to this, but once my mom and I (we both speak Spanish) wanted to watch a movie in Spanish, so I asked the guy at the movie store and he recommended a movie about a writer and his fan who turns into his muse, and I was like “Hey mom I’m really excited to watch this movie that I picked out JUST FOR US”. The movie was Lucia y el Sexo and features a subplot SPOILER ALERT about a daughter of a former porn star who gets off watching her mother’s movies and eventually starts a relationship with her mom and stepdad. We made it through about 20 of the most uncomfortable minutes of my entire life before we switched it off. Now I read write-ups about everything before I see it.

  3. I just saw the trailer for Ender’s Game and SPOILER ALERT Orson Scott Card is a terrible homophobe and bigot.

    • He is. But Ender’s Game is still a classic.

      • Yeah, I loved that book so much and it breaks my teenage heart to find out he’s such a jerk.

      • Yes, but this movie looks pretty terrible.

        • Oh, I’m with you on that. A great book does not always mean a great movie. In fact, if there’s a book I really like, I’m going to need a very compelling reason to see the movie adaptation. And I mean a REALLY good reason. Even Mos Def wasn’t enough to get me to see the Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy movie that came out a few years back.

          • I actually sort of enjoyed Hitchhiker’s Guide. It was fun in a watch-on-TV sort of way. Not super accurate to the book, but it hit on Adams’s humor pretty well.

  4. Spoiler alert!! I’m a geek. I’m sorry if you got spoiled on that…

  5. I do not understand people who don’t like rain. It sounds so nice! It smells pretty nice! It makes things grow! It takes boring-ass baseball games off my TV!

    Rain: WHAT CAN”T IT DO?

  6. Gabe’s new Bravo talk show : “I Don’t Want To See What Happens Next”.

  7. I feel like the Videogum HR person is really exhausted every time these chats are posted.

    “So, do I have to get the exit interview and severance Blu-rays ready or not?”

  8. I was getting ready to watch The Walking Dead a couple months ago and this girl texted me and she was like, “What are you doing?” and I was all, “I’m about to watch Walking Dead!!!!!!” and she goes, “I hear 27 people are supposed to die on there tonight” and I was like, “WTF?!?!” and she was like, “What?” so I was like, “Spoiler alert, yo!” and she said, “Oh, really? But it’s all over the internets.” At this point I stopped texting, but she kept going with stuff like, “I thought you read the comics” and “I assumed they meant zombies”. Anyway, I guess the thing I hate most about people who spoil stuff is when you call them on it and they refuse to apologize. They’re always like, “What? Who me? I didn’t do nothing. Let me explain why it’s not a spoiler.” GRRRRR!

  9. To get in the way back machine, think about The Truman Show. I saw it at a screening before it came out, and it was more or less pre-internet, and somehow I STILL knew a little bit about it going in, and wish I hadn’t.

    To my mind, the way that movie would been more successful (successful creative enterprise, not successful in terms of mo’ money) is if you could have just told people “Look, we are not going to show you a trailer, or review the movie, or anything, but trust us it’s pretty good, Jim Carrey is a big star, right?”

    Of course you can’t really do that, and at the screening w/the director, he pretty much agreed that he hated the idea of marketing his movie and simultaneously partially spoiling it, but didn’t see a way around it.

    The takeaway here is, I totally saw The Truman Show before all of you, so there.

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