THE WORLD IS CHANGED, I CAN FEEL IT IN THE WATER. This is the second post in less than a month defending Gwyneth Paltrow against her detractors, despite the fact that I myself, and Videogum in general, has done as much if not more detraction as anyone. And look, she is still a terribly disillusioned fame monster whose pretty, pampered eyes are so fogged up from the myopic luxury of the bubble in which she lives that she has no idea what happens outside of that bubble nor what the bubble looks like to people who aren’t in it, and so she spends half of her life when she is not raking in cash from a movie set or writing cookbooks about macrobiotic lasagna simply describing the inside of the bubble to other people as if that is fun and useful for everyone rather than a painfully tone-deaf reminder of just how absurd the universe is and how deeply unjust the distribution of wealth has become that someone can profit from a website whose sole purpose is to make people feel poor. She is and will always be THE WORST. But even someone who is the worst, which Gwyneth Paltrow is, deserves some modicum of happiness in this life, and I am beginning to suspect that she doesn’t, and that’s too bad. Like, what does Gwyneth Paltrow actually LIKE? What does she ENJOY? Besides name-dropping “Jay-Z,” which, incidentally, if they were really as good friends as she was constantly saying they were, would she really call him “Jay-Z”? What about “Sean” or even just “Jay”? SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN LIARMARK! Anyway, the two Gwyneth Paltrow stories that have emerged this week from the Met Costume Institute Gala are really making me (not really, I have other things to do) worry about her!

First it was reported that Chris Martin, her husband, continued to refuse to walk the red carpet with her, despite the fact that they were at an event whose sole purpose is to be seen walking a red carpet. From US Weekly:

After 10 years of marriage, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin kept up their tradition of avoiding being photographed together at the Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City on Monday, May 6. Proof that Paltrow, 40, and Martin, 36, were both in attendance, however, was captured by South Korean pop star Psy. “Making new friends at Met Gala. Gwyneth Paltrow,” the “Gangnam Style” singer tweeted with a picture of himself and the Iron Man 3 actress. ” . . . And her husband Chris Martin,” he added with a photo of himself and the Coldplay singer.

Haha. You won’t take a picture with YOUR WIFE, but you will take a picture with PSY?! What’s up though with that for real though my dude? That is kind of WEIRD. I’m not saying that being a celebrity instantly forces you into accepting much less enjoying all of the public facing posturing that the role entails, but if it is really so hard for you JUST STAY IN YOUR CASTLE. I am not sure I understand the idea behind going to a party with your wife and then treating her like a piece of shit. (Because here’s the other thing: if your wife DOESN’T mind posing for pictures on the red carpet, then your refusal to do so with her is absolutely a judgmental position to take and you are being a bad husband out of some petulant, childish desire to have everything your way at all times, even when it is humiliating for everyone involved, including people who have to read about it and don’t even want to know what you are up to in the first place.)

And now Gwyneth is saying that she will never attend the Met Gala ever again. From Dlisted:

“I’m never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

Ugh. You didn’t enjoy it AT ALL?! It’s literally just a glamorous fucking party where you got dressed up in a beautiful dress and spent the evening drinking free champagne, YOU POOR THING. But, so, this is kind of my point: if she cannot even enjoy this anymore, WHAT CAN SHE ENJOY? (Besides NEVER KEEPING HER MOUTH SHUT. Good God. People obsess over photos from the Met Gala, just PRETEND like at the very least it was FINE and not “A NIGHTMARE.”) She’s so open about her marriage that we know she isn’t exactly enjoying it. Now even parties are a disaster. I know she likes Spain and I know she likes “being in spaces that are clean and feel nice” but otherwise I am starting to worry about her jk she’s fine but still. HANG IN THERE, GWYNETH PALTROW! I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU WENT TO A FUN ENOUGH SEEMING PARTY AND COULD NOT EVEN ENJOY IT AND I AM SORRY YOU MARRIED THAT MAN WHO DOESN’T SEEM TO WANT TO BE MARRIED TO YOU. ALL OF OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND YOUR $3500 COFFEE MAKER DURING THIS DIFFICULT TIME.

Comments (42)
  1. “Gabriel. To you I may just be a Paltrow. But after reading this defense, I truly consider you a true Friendtrow.” — Gwyneth Paltrow (Iron Man 3, Country Strong)

  2. I got your back, Gwyneth.

    - one of the stalwart GP defenders.

    • Nothing about the Met Gala sounds like fun.
      – Some idiot designer makes a high-fashion “interpretation” of a theme, you have to wear that dress because you are contracted to said designer, know its hideous and then have to see your face and bad dress splashed around forever.
      – Overheated gross events are gross, I don’t care what kind of champagne they serve.
      – Overheated gross events are worse if you are in an uncomfortable dress you hate.
      – I doubt the food was any good and maybe she was hungry.

      Plus? She’s been on a promotional tour for Iron Man 3 for like… at least a month. Same stupid events every day for a month. Then she has to wear that horrible pink dress and pretend to make small talk with TV stars and idiot actor children? Gross. I bet she’s exhausted. Like actually exhausted, normal person, non-Lohan exhausted. And a real red carpet sucks.

      Also I read that she and her husband never get photos taken together as some kind of weird thing to throw off the paparazzi or something about privacy laws. It also has something to do with protecting her kids privacy.

      On top of all of this, the GOOP stuff/not being self aware nonsense is a ruse. She’s totally self-aware of her privilege and is just using her status as an icon to slightly less wealthy women who want to look and dress like her to sell them high-quality crap that is slightly more aspiration than their usual crap.

      I’d much rather direct my ire elsewhere.

      • Co-sign. As always, badideajeans, you have my sword.

        Literally. Like, I think I left if at your place. Not that I was standing outside your house with a sword or anything. Ha ha ha that’s ridiculous that was probably facetaco.

        • I did find an axe the other day. Was that yours?

          • No, that was definitely facetaco

          • Anybody find my boomerang?

          • No, but I did find a rainbow umbrella and a small stuffed animal version of my dog. I posed them on my front lawn so the little kid who presumably lost the stuffed animal would notice. If it’s not gone by the end of the day, I’m washing him off and keeping him.

          • I have actually found an axe, a rainbow umbrella and a stuffed animal version of my child in the past week on my lawn. And they were all gingerly placed there like offerings.

            That’s normal, right? Oh man, now I’m nervous.

          • Oooh was it a battleaxe? Do you still have it? Did it have blood on it?

          • It was for construction/light use. I think Black & Decker. The guys who fixed my sidewalk left it… and a circular straw. I moved them both out of the way so no one would get hurt, gave them back to them when they showed up the next day… then found the ax gingerly placed on top of my composting bin. I thought it was a gift, but alas, they forgot it too.

            The juxtaposition of these with the cute stuffed animal and rainbow umbrella are honestly very funny.

  3. “I can see it now: Paps pop Pepto Pepper Potts at Punk Party! Paltrow PO’d!”
    —J. Jonah Jameson

  4. Crowded huh? Well geez now I feel bad for grumbling about how I spent my night working out a budget so I would know how much is left for groceries if I go visit a friend in another city this weekend. Really puts things in perspective. Thanks, GP!

    • “It was so crowded! now I know how people in line for food stamps feel, ugh, at least they don’t have to pose for pictures and wear these ghastly heels, and in the end they get their ticket for a nice duck confit or whatever the poor are eating these days” GP

  5. Maybe Chris Martin should marry Kristen Stewart. They both seem to really hate the red carpet.

    Also, why is Psy still a thing?

  6. Wait, so no one has photographed Gwenyth and Chris in the same place at the same time…and she DOES do a pretty good british accent…

  7. Man today is just turning into shitty friend story time for me, but Goop complaining about things that everyone else thinks are awesome reminds me of having dinner last night with a friend who just moved to San Francisco and came back for a visit. He spent the entire dinner complaining about the food there (I always thought SF was known for having really good food??) and saying things like “it came with a baguette on the side, but it was NOT a REAL baguette, just a long French bun” and “it’s impossible to find decent breakfast there” (turns out he tried ONE PLACE which was closed and then gave up and, god forbid, went grocery shopping and made his own) and “I ordered the duck and it came with a glaze, can you even believe that?” Anyway, he goes back to SF next week and I faked a super busy schedule until then because holy moly that was the most irritating dinner I’ve ever sat through.

    • “This reminds me of the time my dear friend Stephane returned from his absolute nightmare trip to Frisco. The impossibility of finding a proper French baguette or unglazed roast duck drove him to fend for himself and we developed this delightful wild fowl and lobster paella recipe together.” -how Gwennie tells this story.

    • To be fair to your friend, my monocle popped when I read the duck came with a glaze. I am only thankful my smelling salts were handy. Danvers is fetching me a glass of sherry for fortification, but I fear that I’m well done in for the afternoon.

      Duck with glaze! Simply dreadful.

    • If I had a nickel for every time I expected a baguette and got a long French bun instead, I have no idea how many nickels I’d have because what is the difference even. (Nobody tell me the difference. It will clearly lead to nothing but disappointment.)

      (Hi, Videogummers. I’m new and decided to de-lurk today because my job is very boring and I want more neat internet people to talk to. *waves*)

      • Hi ladyrainicorn!

      • Welcome! And the only difference between a baguette and a long French bun is how snobby the person describing it feels at the moment.

        • Now I’m kind of regretting not choosing Long French Bun as my username. Alas, the avatar is already chosen.

        • Fatima, THAT IS A LIE. A good baguette has a very specific texture and quality… like a real bagel. It’s not just a mushy long bun. Also, if you don’t like sourdough bread (I do not), eating in SF is super difficult. Plus everything is 4xs as expensive as anywhere and not noticeably better. The food in that city always stresses me out. 9/10 I will just have fruit all day and end up in Little Italy eating a $20 plate of veggie pasta that is about $5 of delicious. Sometimes I’d drive over to Berkeley/Oakland so I could at least get some decent Indian or Ethiopian.

          I couldn’t even find decent sushi or ramen that was affordable or edible for me (vegetarian, likes flavor, hates mushrooms) until I went to one spot on the furthest outside of the Sunset district… and even then it was pretty mediocre. Never did find ramen on par with what I got in L.A.

          SF food is overrated and a shitty baguette is super gross.

          • You’re clearly just going to the wrong places. Everything in Northbeach (ahem “Little Italy”), is a terrible overpriced tourist trap. There’s a lot of very good indian and sushi to be had, but yes it’s almost all far away from the more touristy areas, usually out in the Richmond or Sunset, because that’s the center of the asian population.
            Ehtiopian is a bit spottier. When I moved back to SF from New York it’s the one food variety that was hard to find, but I eventually found a pretty decent place on Geary. The best ethiopian in the area is in San Jose though.

            Also in SF you should get sandwiches made with Dutch Crunch bread, which is way better than a sourdough baguette.

    • Your friend sounds special. It reminds me of my coworkers, a lot of whom are transplants to the West Coast, linking this article “Tips for Moving to SF” and commenting they wish they’d known them. It did lead to an interesting culture shock because one tip was about how eating out was cheaper than cooking at home, because groceries are so expensive here. I felt like, well that’s true for some things but I mean I’ve lived here my whole life, and I’ve never found groceries more expensive than eating out 3 meals a day. I read their comments, and turns all the dudes [it was all dudes] just basically went to the most upscale markets they could find and gave up trying to grocery shop, thinking the import wine shops/organic markets in their trendy neighborhood were basically the only supermarkets that existed in the entire city.

      • Ugh, I’m a San Francisco native too and moved back out here with my New York wife, and for months she was unhappy and showed me those kind of ‘tips for moving to sf’ articles. It took a year but she’s come around and realized that most of that stereotypical advice is a bunch of crap. San Francisco’s just like any city: if you live here and know where to go it’s great. If you’re new to town and only go to touristy or trendy places, you miss out on most of the real appeal. I do think there’s a big disconnect between the image that out-of-town people have of the city and the one natives have, whether that’s more than other places I dont know. There is a reason so many people come here and decide to stay though.

  8. Did anyone see this piece of shit article?! What a piece of shit think piece bullshit article!

    Choice quote: “We hate Gwyneth Paltrow for all the same reasons that people have always hated the Jews.

    Now go and watch The Wave on Netflix and see how you feel about yourself.”

  9. Poor thing. Step into our green room.

  10. She lives in a freaking castle with her family. Like castles were meant to contain families and dragons. Rent outsome rooms, help the homeless, run a petting zoo, or whatever. /rant

  11. Maybe this isn’t the correct place for this, but I thought it was ironic that punk was celebrated by people who, had this been the UK in the 1980s, would have voted for Thatcher.

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