Kelly: Hey, Gabe!
Kelly: WAAAZAAAAAAAAP?
Gabe: yo kelly, what up tho?
Kelly: nm nm nm nm nm
Gabe: how’s it hanging dude?
Kelly: Hanging perfectly straight bro
Gabe: oh yuck!
Kelly: How’s it hanging with you?
Gabe: it’s hanging pretty good all things considered
Gabe: i mean, there are still plenty of troubles in our world
Gabe: it could be hanging better
Gabe: but it’s not hanging so bad for me, personally
Kelly: Good!
Kelly: And thx, as always, for the clarification
Gabe: np yw
Gabe: i would just hate for someone in a war-torn country
Gabe: to read this friendly chat
Gabe: and feel like i wasn’t acknowledging
Gabe: that it isn’t hanging perfectly all over
Kelly: That is always a big fear
Gabe: and that it is hanging lower in some places than others so to speak
Kelly: Yuck, Gabe.

Kelly: So, did you hear that Martha Stewart is going to jump into the world of online dating?
Gabe: i did actually
Kelly: :-0
Gabe: sometimes i just gloss over my Martha Stewart Single Or Dating google alert
Gabe: but this time something caught my attention
Gabe: match.com, right?
Kelly: Right
Gabe: or is she using adultfriendfinder
Kelly: Hahah
Kelly: She’s a classy woman, Gabe, she is using Match.com.
Kelly: But there is one catch
Gabe: how could there possibly be a catch?
Gabe: I can’t imagine this going any way other than perfectly
Kelly: There are actually 2 catches b/c she’s the first catch LOL
Gabe: that was a good one, kelly
Kelly: Thank you!
Gabe: i liked that one
Gabe: so the score stands now at kelly: 1
Kelly: Kelly’s #1
Gabe: to the judges!
Gabe: and the score now stands at kelly: 0
Kelly: :(
Gabe: don’t be greedy
Kelly: All right, that’s fair
Kelly: So anyway the catch is that we, her fans, have to choose her Match.com profile picture for her
Kelly: Out of two options she’s given us
Gabe: is that a catch? or is it a golden opportunity?@!

Gabe: hahahahha well
Gabe: we have to answer a pretty important question first
Gabe: should the picture of martha stewart on her dating profile actually look like her? or should it look like a different, younger woman?
Gabe: because that might help us determine which of these pictures to choose
Kelly: hahahah
Kelly: how dare you!
Gabe: how dare me? how dare her!
Gabe: HOW DARE HER!
Kelly: Not her fault that all the other Match.com profile pictures aren’t professionally retouched by New You Magazine
Kelly: Which brings us to the second important question
Kelly: Should or should not her Match.com profile picture have “NEW YOU” cut off in the corner?
Kelly: I say it should because it’s like a subliminal message almost.
Gabe: you think she looks younger in the New You photo?
Kelly: I wasn’t saying that but I do actually
Kelly: You think she looks younger in the red lipstick one?
Gabe: yes
Kelly: WHOA
Gabe: maybe it’s just the BREEZE in her hair
Gabe: also that mustard top is not doing ANYTHING for me
Gabe: NEXT PROFILE PLEASE
Kelly: No way man, the mustard top isn’t great but the heavy makeup and black shirt?
Kelly: No thx
Kelly: Cruella DeGrandma
Gabe: well wait a second
Gabe: let’s clarify a little
Gabe: there is heavy makeup in BOTH of these photos
Kelly: True
Gabe: if you think there is not heavy makeup in the mustard photo
Gabe: then you are going to be very surprised
Gabe: on your first date
Kelly: Hahahah
Kelly: I’m just saying the second is a more obviously made up look.
Kelly: I guess it’s a day vs. night look that we disagree on.
Gabe: well we are also having two different arguments
Gabe: because my whole original point was that black top picture
Gabe: looks younger and less like her
Gabe: that doesn’t mean it is the one she should choose!
Kelly: Oooooh
Kelly: Sure sure sure
Gabe: and you actually seem to be agreeing with me, even though you are arguing against me, which is just typical Kelly
Kelly: Hahaha
Kelly: I for sure do not agree that choice B looks younger, though.
Gabe: look, mustard top’s got the neck tendons and the bloodless lips
Gabe: but here’s the thing: girl has neck tendons and bloodless lips
Gabe: isn’t she looking for someone who will love her for who she is?!
Gabe: wait, actually, that’s a good question: what does she want the person to love her for?
Gabe: her money, yes, but what else?
Kelly: Her chow chows
Kelly: Just those two things probably

Gabe: but if she did choose the mustard top photo, even though it is a more accurate depiction and i do NOT like liars and won’t date them
Gabe: i wouldn’t ask her for a date on match.com
Gabe: because i would be scared
Gabe: that she would show up
Gabe: in that mustard top
Gabe: and the whole date i would just be like, “i hate your top”
Gabe: whereas if she posted the black top photo and we went on a date i’d be like “now we are talking”
Gabe: “but your face looks different’
Gabe: it’s a tough call!
Gabe: i can see why martha put it to the fans (us)
Kelly: If she chose the black top photo I don’t think I would ask her on a date on Match.com because I would be thinking, “Why is this lady trying to impress me so much with her nighttime look.”
Kelly: Because you know she’s only going to be wearing that nighttime look everyone once in a while.
Gabe: is she though?
Gabe: i mean, she is also martha stewart
Gabe: i feel like the black top look weeds out the riff raff
Gabe: because if you think she is too glamorous then it’s not going to work out anyway
Gabe: you probably don’t even own your own tuxedo, do you?
Kelly: I own my own tuxedo.

Kelly: Ugh, no I don’t that was a lie
Gabe: KELLY
Gabe: I FEEL LIKE WE ALREADY WENT OVER THE LIARS THING
Kelly: I know, I’m sorry but I was intimidated
Kelly: I guess you’re right about Martha being glamorous, but she for sure is not walking around her castle or whatever in a fancy dress all the time
Kelly: Not even Gwyneth Paltrow does that
Kelly: So I think I’d be more inclined to ask mustard top out on a date because I’d think, “Now this is a lady I can see myself hanging out with all the time.”
Gabe: ok, but now let’s take it back again
Gabe: and this is why this is so tricky and SUCH an important decision
Gabe: but setting aside what YOU want, let’s figure out what SHE wnats
Gabe: does she want some slob like you who thinks they could probably hang out with her?
Gabe: or does she want A REAL PRINCE
Kelly: A real price who would insult her mustard top on a first date?!
Gabe: dress for the prince you want, not the prince you have
Gabe: that’s what i’ve ALWAYS said
Kelly: Listen if she wants some kind of real prince with “his own tuxedo” and big cartoon money signs for eyeballs
Kelly: which very well may be what she wants
Kelly: then I guess she should go for choice B.
Gabe: ok, so choice b it is? we agree?
Gabe: and we all agree that choice a sucks and is a gross choice?
Gabe: and that the only thing that can be said about it is that it doesn’t intimidate kelly?
Kelly: UH AND SHE IS MORE NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL IN IT BUT YEAH I GUESS JUST THOSE 2
Kelly: I guess it just comes down to whether she wants a sweetheart or a jerk.
Kelly: If she wants a sweetheart she’ll pick what I want, if she wants a jerk she’ll pick what you want.
Gabe: sounds like someone is jealous
Gabe: of what martha and i share
Gabe: which is everything
Kelly: :(
Gabe: “thank you for meeting me on this date, kelly. so, tell me, how many points do you have, sweetheart?”
Gabe: DATE OVER.
Gabe: “oh, gabe, i love that you wore a tuxedo even though we are only meeting for drinks. i’m going to put you in my will as my sole heir REGARDLESS of how this turns out.”
Gabe: thank you, match.com, you are a great love computer
Gabe: hey, kelly, no hard feelings
Gabe: i’m sorry she chose me over you
Gabe: BUT i think you might have better luck on a different site?
Gabe: have you tried http://personals.theonion.com/
Kelly: I just feel bad for Martha.
Gabe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4A6Bu96ALOw
Kelly: You’d think after so many years in the business she’d have learned to sniff out a rotten leech
Gabe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4A6Bu96ALOw
Kelly: and that taking her dating life to Match.com would have been in an attempt to meet someone who wasn’t all about tuxedos and being her sole heir
Gabe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4A6Bu96ALOw
Kelly: But I guess there is just no helping some people
Gabe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4A6Bu96ALOw

Comments (38)
  1. She should just put a picture of herself holding a sign over her face that says “I’m Martha Stewart: There’s about a million pictures of me online. Google it.”

    So far the most famous person I’ve seen on Match is Top Chef winner Stephanie Izard’s sister. She was pretty up front about it in her profile.

  2. She seems like such a warm and caring person. I can’t understand why she’s single.

    Also, while I agree with Gabe that the color of that blouse is awful, I agree with Kelly that she seems more approachable in that photo. Choices are hard!!

    • I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic, because I think she’s probably ok! Type-A executive type, for sure, but she seems nice, and loves beautiful things and animals, and anyone who likes gardening that much can’t be that bad. Good luck on your match.com dates, Martha Stewart! I hope you find a lot of handsome dudes who are funny and nice but have fewer crippling commitment issues than the ones I have met in my experience online dating!

      • She just seems so stern and disapproving to me. I admire her because she has built a career out of doing her own thing and that’s amazing. But I don’t think I could live under (what I imagine is) constant scrutiny.

        • I bet she learned to loosen up a bit in prison. she probably at least knows how to make a really nice shiv out of just about anything!

  3. Way to ignore the obvious choice:

  4. She didn’t have any luck with her http://www.womenbehindbars.com profile, not sure why she thinks it’ll work out any better this time.

  5. If she really wanted to win Gabe over I think she should have gone with this one:

    But you know what they say, Heinz-sight is 20/20, am I right guys?

  6. So she’s rich and basically invented the ideal of the perfect housewife? Can’t she just skip the formalities and marry me already?

  7. I know a good prince for her; he likes older ladies too.

  8. Martha looks lovely in A and B, but they’re so insanely retouched that for all we know we’re looking at Andy Serkis.

  9. I don’t want to wish ill on Martha Stewart, but if she gets married then it’s going to be a lot harder for me to convince my parents that the only reason I’m still single because of my successful career and time in white collar prison. (I got dumped via email one year ago today!)

  10. if she did choose to use the lame picture that makes her look fake she would be one of millions of people who already misrepresent themselves on the internet. i like statistics, so i was reading the okcupid statistical analysis blog one time and it was awesome, here is a link if you want to read it.
    http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-biggest-lies-in-online-dating/

    • Their take on height, income, and recent pics might be verifiable with statistics available in the world beyond OKC, but for them to delve into bi-erasure based solely on who people send messages to within the OKCupiverse is pretty ugly. There are myriad reasons people would identify as bi and send messages to only one gender, like bi/poly people that are already partnered and are looking for what their partner isn’t. Or bi guys that want to be upfront about their orientation but typically only meet other guys when they are out, so they are on a dating site to maybe find a lady that is cool with their bi-ness. Or bi/poly couples that don’t even bother messaging ladies because of the couples seeking “hot bi babes” ugly cliche that they don’t want to be a part of. People use sites like OKC to seek what they are not finding irl, who they send messages to on a dating site does not necessarily reflect the entirety of their attraction.

      Sorry, i know statistics are fun, but when they are used sloppily like this and used to perpetuate the myth that bisexuals are liars or do not exist (and erasure has very real effects on bi people), i get all huffy.

      tl/dr: there’s biphobia in that link and it upset flaskie.

  11. She looks way too chipper in that puppy picture to be holding three puppies that seem so sad. (Or maybe they are sleepy? If so, let those puppies take a nap Martha Stewart!)

  12. She should just look in the Country Casual Encounters section of Craigslist

  13. Never grow up or stop being stubborn, worry about yourself girl.

  14. If only there was some kind of guide on how to meet and marry european men available.

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