Matty B is a straight up child, so I am not even going to get into how I feel about his “work” because that is between me and my God, and everyone is allowed to do whatever it takes to find happiness and fulfillment in this world even if they have a completely unsophisticated concept of what those two words mean built entirely out of parental over-indulgence and Saturday morning cartoons. (Needless to say, I am not a huge fan, but I’m also not his target demographic of 9-10 year-old children with no taste and/or 40-45 year-old women with no boundaries.) But, like, HIS PARENTS KNOW THIS IS A SONG ABOUT FUCKING, RIGHT?* If they didn’t before they do now because HE SURE IS LOOKING INTO THE CAMERA LIKE HE KNOWS WHAT IT IS ABOUT. (Although it’s not even as much about fucking as Flo-Rida’s “Whistle” is about fucking, which Matty B also covers, obviously.) So gross. Very upsetting. Where are the handcuffs? I’m holding my hands out for the handcuffs. NO, MATTY B, NOT THOSE KINDS OF HANDCUFFS, REAL HANDCUFFS LIKE FOR TRANSPORTATION OF CRIMINALS INTO THE PENAL JUSTICE SYSTEM. Oh great, now Matty B can’t stop laughing about the word “penal.” I don’t mind going to jail if I get to bring everyone with me, starting with Matty B’s parents. How complicated is THAT relationship?

Matty B’s Dad: We spend anywhere between 30 and 70 thousand dollars a year on Matty’s videos, but we make most of that back in the ad-sharing deal we have set up with YouTube and the occasional appearance on Ellen. But more importantly it just makes him and my wife so happy.
Matty B’s Mom: He’s just the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen when he dances.

THESE GUYS KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. Let’s go, hands out for the handcuffs. No whining, we all know what we all did.

*In Matty B’s cover of Justin Bieber’s song “Boyfriend” they made him change the lyrics to “if I was old enough to be your boyfriend,” which suggests a certain level of awareness of how intense and inappropriate this whole thing is getting, and yet they still don’t care enough about their child’s well-being NOT to hire a film crew and post the video on the Internet as if they had no choice so it is hard to even say what is going on over there. The one thing we know is that it is GAH-ROSSSSSSSS.
Comments (27)
  1. You know at the end of Good Will Hunting, when Ben Affleck knocks on Will’s door and he’s not home? Sometimes I wish that happened to the internet. I show up to work and the internet is just gone. And then I smile like Ben Affleck did and start doing my work.

  2. Sorry to burst your bubble, Gabe, but this is just a song about dressing up nice.

  3. I feel like that kid just eye raped me. Not like raped raped, but you know regular raped.

  4. Is this song directed at Maeby Funke? He keeps replacing the original lyric’s “Baby” with “Maeby.” Netflix is really pulling out all the stops.

  5. 7 seconds…that’s how long I made it. Gross. Weird. Gross.

  6. At least it’s not as bad as when I once saw this guy on American Idol sing “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye, and then dedicated it to his dad, which is wrong on two levels.

  7. Whenever a kid tells me he’s going to show me a few things, I expect it to be pictures of dinosaurs in a book about dinosaurs, because anything else is just unsettling.

  8. I don’t think Flo Rida’s “Whistle” is about fucking. I think it WANTS to be, but Flo Rida isn’t really sure how those things work. “Just put your lips together and come real close?” FLO RIDA, AT LEAST ONE OF YOU IS DOING THAT WRONG!

    • I always thought that the whole “Blow my whistle” thing meant that the song was about a bear attack. Maybe we are all doing it wrong?!

    • I always thought it was talking about getting a BJ. But even then putting your lips together makes no sense. Unless he just wants someone to kiss his penis…. which is dumb.

  9. In other news: why have I waited so long to listen to “Suit and Tie” (the actual song)? Damn, this is pretty catchy.

  10. Nope! Do not want to be anywhere near this kid, his parents, or this video.

  11. America, ladies and gentlemen.

  12. Wait the song is about fucking? I thought “I’ma leave it all on the floor tonight” referred to his hard work and enthusiasm. Seriously that is what I thought.

  13. this is equal to the time i was on a bahamian booze crooze with a friend, and they’d started the dance music to liven things up, and a song came on and this woman starts screaming “THIS MA BABY’S SONG THIS MA BABY’S SONG HE’S FIVE YEARS OLD THIS MA BABY’S SONG!!”

    the song?

    sexual healing.

  14. Please don’t caress your chest and wiggle your hips at me, young man.

  15. The ladies don’t believe it when he says that he’s a minor.That’s what they tell the judge anyway.

  16. Tell me when your balls drop

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