Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: hello kelly
Kelly: How are you doing?
Gabe: ok, i guess
Gabe: i’m doing ok
Kelly: Aw. Why just ok?
Kelly: Was your kale juice a little gritty this morning
Gabe: it’s gritty every morning
Kelly: :(
Gabe: it’s kale juice
Kelly: Sounds like someone needs a new juice spot
Gabe: i just make mine at home
Gabe: some of us can’t afford to go to a “juice spot”
Gabe: KELLY
Kelly: Uhh some of us can’t afford juicers and pounds of kale, GABE.
Gabe: i don’t have a juicer
Gabe: i just tear up the kale by hand
Gabe: and sprinkle it into a glass of water
Kelly: hahahahahah
Kelly: The saddest story ever told.
Gabe: I’mma live forever tho
Kelly: That’s tru
Kelly: Well what if I told you I had a clip from a reality show from three years ago that would turn your frown upside down?
Kelly: Would you want to see it?
Gabe: WOULD I?
Gabe: would i?
Kelly: You would, U GOTTA TRUST ME ON THIS ONE GABE

Gabe: ok
Gabe: watching
Gabe: please hold
Kelly: kk
Gabe: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Gabe: this is a pretty important clip
Gabe: thx 3 sending
Kelly: It is the perfect clip
Gabe: has the president seen this?!
Gabe: MR. PRESIDENT, WE HAVE REPORTS OF A CLIP
Kelly: Hahaha
Kelly: If the president has seen it I’m upset with him for not making a mandate
Kelly: That forced everyone else to watch it
Kelly: Because there is no reason that today is the first day that both of us are seeing this perfect gem
Gabe: yeah, i am confused
Gabe: how have i never seen this before?
Gabe: what is it from?
Kelly: It’s from the show Pretty Wild that existed for one season on E! and starred Alexis Neiers
Kelly: who is portrayed by Emma Watson in The Bling Ring
Gabe: hold on
Gabe: the consequences of robbing people’s houses
Gabe: was that those girls jsut got their own TV show?
Kelly: Uh yeah doy
Gabe: right, no, ok, sorry
Gabe: i almost forgot that these colors don’t run for a second
Gabe: but you reminded me
Kelly: Uh Yeahibus Doyum
Gabe: i hope the mom is in The Bling Ring
Gabe: she seems like a fun character
Kelly: The mom is a BEEAAAUUUTIFUL character and yes it will be a major disappointment if she is not included
Gabe: and i hope the tagline of The Bling Ring is “29 DOLLARS!”

Kelly: hahahah
Gabe: do you think that lying sack of shit journalist
Gabe: who doesn’t know the difference between six inch laboutins and four inche bebes
Gabe: when she got this voicemail
Gabe: immediately called her publisher and asked him to stop the presses
Gabe: and then posted a correction
Gabe: to the piece
Gabe: that pointed out that in fact
Gabe: Alexis is a very beautiful and talented and healthy girl not even girl young woman?
Kelly: Yes I do think that
Kelly: Unfortunately I think it was too late to stop the presses, but I DO think that she still regrets it
Kelly: And retired from journalism soon after
Gabe: it’s crazy how much all of those words apply to her
Gabe: and how brave she was
Gabe: to open up to the journalist
Gabe: to let the world know
Gabe: that she’s talented
Kelly: GREAT AMAZING talented
Kelly: Imagine how all of the young girls who picked up the story about the young girl who robbed a bunch of houses felt
Kelly: When they realized she wasn’t the role model they’d previously known her to be
Gabe: i found the article btw
Gabe: http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2010/03/billionaire-girls-201003
Kelly: oh great
Kelly: “A leggy girl with long, dark hair and shimmering blue-green eyes, Neiers was wearing a tweed miniskirt, a pink sweater, and six-inch Christian Louboutin heels. “I have a pretty cool shoe collection going on right now,” she said.”
Kelly: UGGGHHHHHHUH
Gabe: i still don’t know how i knew about the Bling Ring and was excited for the movie but still did not know about what is obviously one of the more important reality shows of our time
Gabe: but i guess it is not for me to understand all of God’s intentions
Gabe: She twerks in mysterious ways LOL boooooooo
Kelly: omg ew
Kelly: that is 2 good
Kelly: This reality show, though
Kelly: Kind of does seem great
Kelly: Because they started it to chronicle her life as a party girl
Kelly: And then ended up chronicling the sentencing of a burglar
Kelly: Like “I Am Trying To Break Your Heart”
Kelly: Except BETTER
Gabe: it’s our generation’s Paula Abdul in that one show


Paula Tries To Tell A GD Story by modelmodelmodel

Kelly: hahaha
Gabe: i hope Paula Abdul sent Alexis Neiermameir
Gabe: a letter in jail
Gabe: about how if she could survive the Bratz movie
Gabe: Alexis will get through this
Kelly: That would have been a good source of strength, I hope she did too.
Kelly: haha wow this paula abdul clip
Kelly: It’s a good day for clips!
Gabe: oh it is the best
Gabe: when obama became president, bush showed him that clip in the oval office
Gabe: he was briefed on all the clips
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: FOUR INCH BEBE SHOES!!!!
Gabe: you did so good i’m so proud of youuuuu
Kelly: “YOU LIED! YOUU LIIIIIIEED” after the phone was already hung up
Kelly: love it love it love it 29 DOLLARS!
Gabe: the star doesn’t fall far from the star tree
Kelly: EVERY TIME YOU YELL I HAVE TO RE-RECORD IT
Kelly: Every line of this clip is perfect.
Gabe: i hope The Bling Ring
Gabe: includes a recreation of this clip
Kelly: hahahaha uggggh can you imagine
Gabe: uh yeah
Gabe: i can imagine
Gabe: i just imagined
Kelly: The Bling Ring should at the very least
Kelly: Include a recreation of this clip that plays during the credits like a blooper reel
Kelly: If it cannot be included in the actual film
Kelly: That’s my final offer Sophia
Gabe: who’s Sophia?
Gabe: U DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOLLYWOOD IT IZ EMBARRASSING
Kelly: :(
Kelly: SOFIA PLZ 4GIVE ME & PLZ STILL PUT THE CLIP IN
Gabe: hahahahha
Gabe: SOFIA PLZ LET THE WORLD SEE THAT ALEXIS IS BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED AND HEALTHY
Gabe: BY RECREATING THIS CLIP
Kelly: I AM PETRIFIED OF THIS MOVIE WITHOUT A RECREATION OF THE CLIP SOFIA PETRIFIED
Gabe: EXPECTO PATRONUCLIP (emma watson)

Comments (49)
  1. Am I the only one who thinks that this could have been a GREAT movie, but that it’s all wrong for Sofia Coppola? I’d be the first one in the Fandango if John Waters had been in charge of this thing.

    • I would be first in line to see a John Waters Bling Ring.

    • Not that I wouldn’t see a John Waters Bling Ring, but “entitled rich kids” seems like it should be right in Sofia Coppola’s wheelhouse.

    • Sorry, facetaco. Coppola is like the fucking poet laureate of wealthy LA ennui. Her Marie Antoinette alone should give you a sense that she understands the corrupting obsession some people have with possessions, wealth, status, etc.

  2. Hey Gabe, blend your Kale with a banana and maybe orange juice! And a couple of dates! And if you have a kiwi, that’s yummy too! But really just a banana or some OJ really improves the texture. It’s thicker, sure, but If you use coconut milk or something thinner like that it the little chunks tend be more annoying.

  3. THIS CLIP LEFT ME PETRIFIED AND FURTHERMORE APPALLED THANK YOU

  4. The Paula Abdul clip was already great but the shot of the moon with an owl sound effect that came after it? (kissing my fingers like a French chef to show how delicious I think something is)

  5. “That was beautiful. You did such a good job of expressing yourself.” This is the kind of delusional parenting that allows delusional children to grow into delusional adults.

    • Parenting is hard, you guys! Like, you don’t want to encourage your kid with lies like you can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it, but you also don’t wanna be a dick to them! It’s a fine line!

      On a related note, there’s a church where my wife goes for a mommy group, even though she’s not part of the church, because she likes the people in the group. They usually do pretty secular stuff, but sometimes they have a guest speaker, who is usually totes bananas. Today they had a lady who was telling them that you should tell your children when they’re bad at things, and you should also tell them that they’re sinners from an early age, so they get used to the idea. Also, you can only go to Heaven if you take the Bible completely literally. Also Catholics are going to Hell for worshipping the Pope instead of God. I hope that’s not true, cause that heat’s gotta be a bummer for Mother Teresa.

      • Oh man, I grew up with this mentality. I wasn’t raised in it to that extreme, but it was part of the community, and any kind of dissent, no matter how polite or civil, can cause a shitstorm. I’m really glad your wife likes it, and hopefully the majority of that group is nice, because combining religious debate with parenting debate seems like potentially volatile situation, especially in a church setting.

        • They’re nice, she just doesn’t participate in religious discussions there. As long as they don’t try to brainwas her, it’s all good.

          • That’s good to hear. At first I thought I wouldn’t have that sort of self-control, but I guess she is going to a church, so maybe it’s not the time or place for that kind of discussion.

      • My best friend joined a group like this for similar reasons and then it got more and more churchy and then one day she realized she was in a phone tree with Scott Baio… like RIGHT when he was having that weird meltdown and showing people wallet pictures of his black friend I begged her to ask him about it but he was super reliable with carpools and didn’t want to mess it up???

        LA is really weird, you guys.

  6. Oh man. I had to stop with the Vanity Fair article when she said that she saw herself as someone like Angelina Jolie and that she wanted to spread peace and love and that “I could lead a country for all I know.” Yikes, kiddo.

  7. The Bling Ring looks pretty good, but I’d rather see this movie:

  8. I CANNOT WAIT FOR SOFIA COPPOLA PRESENTS: CUNT PUNT.

  9. When I saw the trailer that said absolutely nothing about the movie I figured it was another Sofia Coppola movie devoid of plot and substance (for the record I am referring more to Somewhere, not Lost in Translation), and didn’t think much of it. But when I found out the backstory I thought that it sounds like a pretty cool premise for a movie, and so the conclusion to this boring story is that I am excited for The Bling Ring.

  10. FALTS INFORMATION

  11. I remember Gabe once commented about how celebrities now quickly translate their foibles into Funny or Die videos or other tongue-in-cheek media appearances as part of a reputation-healing cycle that’s now well-worn.

    But the girls and boy depicted in this film have taken it to another insane level. 1) Reality show; 2) Movie made about them; 3) Movie made about them STARRING AT LEAST ONE OF THEIR VICTIMS!

    “Could this ouro BE any more boros?” -Bandler Ching

  12. When I saw that you guys were talking about a Pretty Wild clip, I was wishing and hoping that it would be this one. They’ve shown it on The Soup numerous times and it is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life. So, guys, wishes do come true!

    • The 2nd best pretty wild moment was when the mom just handed Ritalin to all the kids in the morning in a row.

    • Yes! I’ve seen it (and the Paula Abdul clip!) on The Soup a bunch of times but only yesterday when Gabe tweeted it did I realize who the girl was. And then I went spiraling down a wormhole that included the Vanity Fair article and then another VF by the same author about Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake and whew, what a day it was!!!

      In conclusion, Gabe should watch The Soup.

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