Just one week after being named Hollywood’s “Most Hated Celebrity” by Star Magazine, she has been named “The World’s Most Beautiful Woman” by People Magazine. THE WORLD’S MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. Despite everything that I’ve ever said about her, I have never argued that Gywneth Paltrow isn’t pretty, she is very pretty, but THE WORLD’S MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN? There are a lot of beautiful women in the world and some of them aren’t notoriously self-involved lunatics incapable of keeping their mouths shut about their extraordinary wealth and privilege. Even Miss America has to ANSWER QUESTIONS to make sure she isn’t AN ILLITERATE SOCIOPATH before we hand these kinds of titles out. Like who else was nominated and what kind of criteria did we use for weeding them out? I want to see the math. But Gwyneth responds to the news in her typical down-to-Earth style:

“Around the house, I’m in jeans and a T-shirt. I don’t really wear makeup. That’s what they’re used to,” she says. As for her husband, Chris Martin, “He’ll make a joke about it. If I’ve gotten fully dressed up, he’ll be like, ‘Oh, wow! You’re Gwyneth Paltrow!’ Because he’s used to seeing me in like baggy shorts and frizzy hair.”

Oh, so when you are at home you aren’t dressed to the nines in rented jewelry and silk gowns with a face plastered in HD-ready make up? WHAT A GIRL NEXT DOOR! Come on, man. Give me a break. What are you even trying to say? That you’re an ugly, disgusting pig when the cameras aren’t around? No, you are a movie star. Here is the thing about Gwyneth Paltrow that I am not sure I have ever made clear:

I think she is pretty and does a very good job at acting, and she is a movie star who is married to a rock star. As far as I am concerned, her children SHOULD be named after fruit, and she SHOULD own a $4,000 coffee maker, and she SHOULD fly to Paris for a birthday dinner, and she SHOULD have a personal trainer who herself is now famous for the sole reason that she’s a movie star’s personal trainer. All of this is part of the deal. What she shouldn’t do, but what she can’t seem to stop herself from doing, is pretending that all of this is what we all have, and how she has never lost sight of who she is, which is I don’t even know what anymore, a war-torn refugee who just likes drinking broth and sleeping under the covers? EVERYONE WALKS AROUND THE HOUSE IN JEANS AND A T-SHIRT BECAUSE WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, YOU PSYCHO, BUT ALSO WE KNOW WHAT YOU SPEND ON JEANS AND A T-SHIRT, AND WE ALSO HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA WHAT “AROUND THE HOUSE” MEANS TO YOU, SO WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE JUST ONCE FOR THE LOVE THAT YOU HOLD FOR YOUR MACROBIOTIC RECIPES THAT TRICK THE CHILDREN INTO EATING THEIR VEGETABLES AND YOUR KILLER UPPER-ARM-FAT REDUCING WORKOUT ROUTINES KEEP YOUR BLOODY (GET IT? ENGLAND) MOUTH SHUT.

Comments (44)
  1. a blonde, skinny, white lady with blue eyes is considered the most beautiful??? What next, being rich is better than being poor? yeah right!

  2. Let’s just assume the editor of People is a huge fan of the Iron Man trilogy.

  3. Who walks around the house in jeans? My pants are off basically as soon as I walk in the door.

  4. “You know, the thing about Gwyneth Paltrow is–it might be forgivable if she were new money…” – Me, pretending I’m a Downton Abbey

  5. are celebrities still into adopting poor kids? do you think she would have any interest in adopting a 29 year old white trash girl from the south?

  6. Chris Martin is a saint. If my wife ever walked around with frizzy hair, I’d divorce her on the spot!! (Also, I am attracted to men, so we’d have a pretty shitty, loveless marriage anyway. BUT STILL.)

  7. Excerpt from the unedited transcript of People Magazine’s Gwyneth Paltrow Interview
    4/3/13, Julie Jordan, Senior Reporter

    Julie Jordan: So what do you wear around the house? What’s your family used to?

    Gwyneth Paltrow: Around the house? I’m in jeans and a T-shirt. I don’t really wear makeup. That’s what they’re used to.

    Chris is really funny. He’ll make a joke about it. If I’ve gotten fully dressed up, he’ll be like, “Oh, wow! You’re Gwyneth Paltrow!” Then he mimes drinking a vial of poison or tying a noose. Sometimes he’ll pretend to pull out a samurai sword and perform a seppuku in the middle of the kitchen. He’ll lie on the floor for hours pretending he’s enjoying the sweet, sweet release of death, knowing that when the charade is over, he’ll still be married to Gwyneth Paltrow, glamorous scion of Hollywood.

    Because he’s used to seeing me in like baggy shorts and frizzy hair.

  8. She’s beautiful, but she’s no Amanda Knox.

  9. “Really, bitch?”

  10. Ugh my friends on Facebook were like “yay” and “amen” and I’m like WTF? so of course I come here to be with other v-gummers who totally know where I am at. Luv u guyz.

  11. So beautiful. Her eyes are a totally natural color and not different in every single picture on People’s web site.

  12. What she shouldn’t do, but what she can’t seem to stop herself from doing, is pretending that all of this is what we all have

    Maybe she’s just dense. She grew up in a movie star family, right? I went to law school with this girl who grew up in a pretty wealthy family, and she was really, really nice, but just didn’t quite grasp that not everyone grew up with her means. I recall a time when she was telling us about how her dad went to a dealership to buy a new Infinity, and he got such a good deal that he bought two, but she told it in such a way that she honestly didn’t realize that this wasn’t something the rest of us had experienced. As in “you mean your parents have never bought two luxury automobiles at the same time?” It wasn’t that she couldn’t help herself, she just didn’t know any better. Gwyneth should know better, but she might just be dumb.

    Anyway, if that didn’t make you sick enough, at that time this girl was dating the son of the founding family of a famous faucet company (you’ve heard of it), who probably was 10x wealthier than she was. And to top it off, while on her summer internship, she went to a taping of the Price is Right, made it onto the show, made it to the showcase showdown, and WON BOTH GODDAMN SHOWCASES! Nice girl, though.

    • I agree with this completely. I also think it’s really funny in a way and I kind of want to follow her while she follows someone who makes minimum wage or even just an average salary. Also, doesn’t she have managers, handlers, or agents who should be like, “You know, not everyone can afford to live like this?”

  13. My theory on how People makes this decision: Their staff all write down a celebrity’s name, then they all chug sodas really quickly and whoever burps the loudest gets their celebrity on the cover.

    It’s all very scientific.

  14. I can’t even fathom what possible improvement could be made to a plain t-shirt that makes it worth $90.

  15. Amen, Gabe. But also can I get a link to the upper-arm-fat reducing workout routine?

  16. If walking “around the house” takes more than an hour and a half, ya might be a Gwenyth Paltrow

    -Zeff Goldworthy

  17. I hope these “Sexiest Blrugalalskd Alive” and “Totally The Universe’s Most Unequivocally Sexy Without Question (We Should Know Because We Dictate What You Find Attractive) Blorgon” things are soon obsolete.

    “Objectively attractive” is already an antiquated term. What turns people on is completely subjective, and I hope we soon realize this.

  18. I feel like her kids are editors at Star and People. Most hated celebrity ever! That’s what you get for naming me after a fruit! Apple Paltrow-Coldplay

  19. “Oh, wow, you’re Gwyneth Paltrow.” – Something Gwyneth also tells herself whenever she catches her own reflection in the mirror, in the rear view mirror, in a store-front window, or really just about any given moment of the day no matter the situation, sometimes even as she wakes up in the middle of the night.

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