Let’s not get too maudlin, but this week has been, you know, something. And while there are very few if any things that genuinely lift or ease the weird and dark existential panic that these moments breed, where your sense of security and the idea of living in a world that makes any sense whatsoever evaporates and all that is left behind is this thin gray film of anxiety and this troubling and painful reminder of what human beings are willing to/capable of doing to each other (although the converse is that it is also a hopeful reminder of what human beings are willing to/capable of doing FOR each other as well) I do have to say that for as useless and powerless and hopeless as things can feel especially when it comes to BLOGS and JADEN SMITH NEWS, the comment threads WILL NOT QUIT. That’s cold comfort, but WE WILL TAKE WHATEVER COMFORT WE CAN GET THESE DAYS. Hugs all around. If you are in Boston, but also if you are anywhere, please stay safe, and here is to next week being a bit nicer overall. But also as you will see our comment ranking software is all systems go so actually things aren’t even that bad, and America can finally get down to the real business of RATING COMMENTS.

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of the Robert Downey Jr. Uh What? Caption Contest, and the Editor’s and Associate Editor’s Choice.

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#4  Patrick M | Apr 12th Score:47

Thanks for all the Editor’s Choice awards! I like the new system where only people who got them can see them

Posted in: Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments
#3  neverabadidea | Apr 15th Score:47

Honestly, I don’t give a shit what people say on Twitter, if they want to tweet about Boston then let them. My home town got bombed today and I am freaking the fuck out. I am trying to make sure everyone I love is safe. All those tweets/fb posts/everything are just showing support. And good lord, it’s nice to know that not everyone in the world is terrible.

Posted in: Once Again, The Internet Is Completely Useless In The Face Of Real Human Tragedy
#2  flanny | Apr 18th Score:47

He’s not THE most famous woodworker.

Posted in: Let’s Run A Quick Internet Status Report
#1  KajusX & Chainsaws | Apr 15th Score:59

Hopefully if Anne Frank were alive today she would tweet out well wishes to the victims of the Boston Marathon Bombing.

Posted in: Once Again, The Internet Is Completely Useless In The Face Of Real Human Tragedy

[Assoc. Ed. Note: You all never cease to be funny and smart and wonderful, even when the rest of the outside world is threatening and unstable. You're the best. Great job.]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

Stephen Meowlkmus | Apr 12th Score:-17

Catweazle, trust me that I have zero interest in engaging you, were you so inclined. I’m not looking for an argument. I just wanted to express my opinion on this matter. That you, willfully or not, misrepresented my point of view in order to make a straw man argument about something else entirely is disheartening. Consider this my “you can’t fire me, I quit” comment.

Posted in: Terry Richardson Is Just America’s Photographer Now, Ladies

[Ed. Note: As often happens, I'm not sure why this is the lowest rated comment. I looked around and I think this guy was defending Terry Richardson, which is a tough defense to make in my opinion, but certainly this particular comment isn't so bad? He just seems to be saying that he wanted to say something, and he said it, and now he doesn't want to fight about what he said, which is OK, y/n? But maybe people were just already so mad about the other thing he said that they confused this thing as the bad one or something? "It's Complicated" - Facebook. Hang in there, everybody.]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

  wi_ngo | Apr 16th Score:42

True story. Many moons ago when I was a young, idealistic barista, RDJ came in and ordered something not on the menu. This was when he was deep into his pre-rehab shenanigans. When I told him I was unable to make the specific ‘non-fat ice-blended’ that he wanted, he basically did the ‘deal with it’ glasses thing for real and said very seriously, “I’m OUTTA here.”, stormed out and dramatically lit a cigarette before stomping off down the street. It was perfect.

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Robert Downey Jr. Uh What?

[Ed. Note: Congratulations, wi_ngo! You earned it. ]

This Week’s Associate Editor’s Choice

  lawblog | Apr 18th Score:44

Ok. Listen the fuck up everyone because I’m only going to say this shit FUCKING ONCE.

87 years ago, our fucking fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the fucking proposition that ALL FUCKING MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. Do you need me to repeat myself? Or are you guys just retarded, and not deaf, too? No? Good.

Well guess what? Now we are engaged in a great civil war. A CIVIL FUCKING WAR. Now how the fuck are we supposed to endure that shit? Hmm? Did you not just listen to me? That part where we’re all fucking equal? Yeah. Well now we are met on a great battle field of that war. You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live because that’s what good Goddamn Americans do. And what are we? That’s right. Not boring ass French. Or weird ass Chinese. Fucking Americans.

Hold the fuck on, though, because big fucking picture? We can’t consecrate or dedicate or any fucking hallowate this ground. Those brave bitches who fought here? Who put their fucking LIVES ON THE LINE? Yeah. They’re the motherfuckers who consecrated this shit. News flash time: The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. Ok, faggots? It is for us the living, rather, the living who aren’t too retarded to know what day it is, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. “But, Lincoln” You’re probably saying, “What are we supposed to do?” And to that I say, “Stop fucking whining before I cunt punt you. Now listen.” We gotta remember that these bitches died, ok? FUCKING DIED for this country. So every time you’re like “but I don’t want to” or “What’s a sport?” or “I’m pretty sure the 2nd amendment applies to assault rifles” remember what happened here, and fucking resolve that they have not died in vain. Resolve that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Got it, fagtards?

Posted in: A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Planning The Sorority Girl E-Mail Movie

[Assoc. Ed. Note: A lot of good work here.]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice


Eric Shorey | 4:07pm Score:8

I feel like, despite how difficult this week has been, we’ve been gifted with really sagely advice.

“Worry about yourself.”
“You’re beautiful; anybody telling you anything different right now is full of fucking shit.”

Posted in: Schwarz “U R Beautiful” (Official Video)

[Ed. Note: This is a really good point. I almost forgot about worry about yourself if you can even believe it. And at a time like this, nothing is more important than NEVER FORGETTING.]

Comments (73)
  1. Now may not feel like the time for dancing but we have danced before and will dance again, even if George Michael doesn’t want to do so

  2. Alright guys, we’re here. Lets take solace in each other company and join us at Fat Cat tomorrow at 7

  3. Woot, first time with a high-rated comment! I believe that the reason I came out on top of a three-way-tie is that I gave props to Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior and He blessed me. Yay!

    I chose this dancing gif because I am glad it’s the weekend, and I’m basically in my pjs like Seth because I have been on lockdown all day. Go outside and breath the fresh air, friends!!! I’m pressing my face against the window screen!

  4. Gonna dance til I forget this week ever happened.

  5. Guys, this week has sucked. Lets all shake it out this weekend and meet back here Monday morning and start fresh. Hugs to whomever wants them, tiny miniature flags for others. Stay safe and be excellent to each other.

    Party on, dudes.

  6. FINALLY, the weekend. It’s been quite the week, I hope you all have something fun planned. I’ll be spending tomorrow fighting off hipsters for music crap on Record Store Day. Or maybe I’ll just do some other stupid shit

  7. Fuck you, this week.

  8. Holy cow, is it me or does it seem like an eternity since that Terry Richardson argument? For the record, I didn’t downvote any of Stephen Meowlkmus’s comments even though I disagreed vehemently with 100% of them.

    But who cares, let’s end this not so good week with a good weekend!

  9. Screw this week. I’m done (officially).

    • Also, to show you the resilience of this city, despite what’s going down in Watertown right now (around 7:30 pm), my strange neighbor is having is own private rave in his apartment. U R Beautiful indeed.

  10. Do what you need to do to feel comforted this weekend, monsters.

  11. This week has been a real fucker, to put it lightly. No joke, though, you guys have made it a bit easier to deal with. It’s been said a hundred times before, but it really is great to have a community that you can rely on, even if it is just on the internet. Not only for jokes but for lively discussions and the sense of friendship and support. So, thank you to all you awesome Monsters, and thank you to Gabe and Kelly for all the work you do in fostering such a great e-atmosphere. Now, I’m off to bed for this whole weekend!

  12. The second time I make the ball and it’s kind of an angry post. Whoops.

    Anyway: I am about to partake in a work-sponsored party and then going to dance my bum off at Windy City Soul Club tonight. I think this is the best possible way to end the week.,d.aWM&psig=AFQjCNHdrGoVxmEClBUL1uDa_Dn7gqvzjg&ust=1366495213750748

  13. Comfort dogs everyone! Real life comfort dogs!

    • I wanted to go see them today but then we were locked down :(

    • So what’s really cute is that during finals week they bring in dogs to the library for students to play and cuddle with and de-stress. Apparently you have to book your time slot early because the puppies days fill up quickly.

  14. Holy crap, my first ball, you guys!! Great way to end a crazy week.

    This is me now:

    …and this is me in a couple of hours:

    Enjoy your weekend, everybody!

  15. ONE STEP CLOSER TO MY EGOT thanks gabe, thanks monsters.

    My BFF got fired from my job this week so I had no one to gchat with, and you guys seriously helped me overcome (or at least temporarily forget) my crippling existential terror!

    Also, my Beetlejuice back-patch came and I’m going to sew it onto a denim vest and be the coolest grown-up goth kid in Brooklyn! NOW DANCE!

  16. You guys really are great. Before i started posting regularly i lurked for a long time, just amazed at the level of civility when there are disagreements, the mufti-faceted discussions that rarely break down into childish insults, the insane amount of cleverness that shows up in the oddest places. This group has an insane amount of heart, mind and spirit – and i am glad i found you guys to view the rest of the world with when the shit out there gets out of control.

    That’s enough sentiment from me. The weekend has beguninated, my birthday is Sunday (definitely not Hitler’s birthday / Lebowski parties day) and i am now the answer to life the universe and everything years old. And quite possibly the oldest monster. Continue being excellent to each other everyone.

    And dance until you drop.

  17. This might be too personal, but today my therapist suggested I watch more cute animal videos. I thought about The Petting Zoo. Thanks, Kelly! Though it might not seem like it, you guys really do make people’s lives better, even if it’s just for a moment. Really, that’s all any of us can hope to do.

    Thanks, everyone. Have a weekend that’s not terrifying!

  18. It’s time to throw this week out of the cart! Have fun in Chicago, guys, please pour one out for me.

  19. Holy moly, guys, #1?!

    After a long, long period of having achieved my True EGOT, and with the upvote software newly back in commission, I have now finally achieved my Full EGOT.

    Time to hang up my chainsaws.

  20. I am very very drunk…

    but we got him!

    everyone be happy.

  21. Hi, long time lurker here. Yesterday I had to go to school during the lockdown (I’m a teacher at a special ed residential school in the Boston area) even though there were no classes and we had to stay indoors. So we were scratching our heads as to what the hell to do with these very confused kids when it dawned on me. Monsters, when terror strikes, keep calm, carry on and go to The Petting Zoo. I think we watched every video on the site. #pray4cuteanimalvids

  22. I overuse commas when I’m nervous, it’s like some weird Internet stutter. I guess I’ve gotta to start commenting more to overcome my stage-fright. BRB, going to hire Geoffrey Rush to help me type my posts.

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