Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: hi kelly
Kelly: Wazzap?
Gabe: just enjoying the remains of one of the greatest weeks of all time
Gabe: wish it would go on forever, this week
Kelly: Oh I know.
Gabe: what was your favorite part of the week? TAX DAY?
Kelly: Hahahah
Gabe: literally i think Tax Day might actually have been the highlight of the week for America?
Kelly: Honestly I was going to say
Kelly: Looking back on it I think it was definitely the best part.
Kelly: Well, enjoy it while it lasts.
Kelly: I’m fine, anyway, thanks for asking.
Gabe: i know you’re fine
Gabe: THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU, KELLY
Gabe: THERE ARE BIGGER THINGS GOING ON OUT THERE
Gabe: jesus christ, unbelievable
Kelly: Bigger things like what?
Kelly: The sorority girl email?!
Gabe: YES CASE IN POINT

Gabe: that is a good email and i am excited for the movie they are going to make of it
Kelly: Yes
Kelly: They always know exactly what movies to make, so I’m sure this is currently at the top of their list.
Gabe: it’s going to be called 80 Faggots
Kelly: Hahaha :( :( :(
Gabe: it’s going to be called WEIRD AT SPORTS
Gabe: in all caps like that
Kelly: And the tagline is going to be LITERALLY ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?
Gabe: haha
Gabe: Directed by Terrence Malick
Kelly: omg
Kelly: It’s going to be so beautiful!
Gabe: so many lame ass retarded sorority girls running their hands over wheat fields at twlight
Gabe: DON’T. GO. TO. THE. WONDER.
Kelly: Aaron Sorkin will adapt the email obviously
Kelly: I know that’s not totally exciting but when it’s right it’s right
Gabe: who is going to play the mean girl? selena gomez?
Kelly: FAITH?
Kelly: No way
Gabe: she turned her disney image on its head with Spring Breakers, but she still played a nice girl, now she turns her nice girl image on her head by playing a not nice girl!
Kelly: hahaha
Kelly: Well when you put it that way
Gabe: i guess we could just get Time’s Most Influential Person In The World, Jennifer Lawrence
Gabe: we could just
Gabe: and bradley cooper can play one of the sigmas who rats out the retarded girls who are weird at sports and so awkward
Kelly: Oh man.
Kelly: And all of the Delta Gamma girls can be young stars of reality TV.
Gabe: teen moms, the surviving members of Buckwild who are not also in jail for heroin trafficking
Gabe: R.I.P. SHANE GANDEE FOR REAL I AM SORRY FOR MY JOKE ANGEL SHANE!
Kelly: :( :( :(
Kelly: Harmony Korine is going to be pissed that he’s not involved but whatever
Gabe: uh, he is too busy
Gabe: directing Avengers 3
Kelly: Hahah oh right
Gabe: i do think we could get Werner Herzog to play The Dean though

Kelly: Oh that’s perfect
Kelly: And Brit Marling can play the Gawker writer who gets the scoop
Gabe: no
Kelly: COME ON
Gabe: no
Kelly: “I want the blogger from House of Cards to do it”
Gabe: there is no “Gawker Writer” in this MOVIE
Gabe: this movie is BASED ON a true story
Gabe: we don’t have to bring BLOGS INTO IT
Gabe: what are you trying to do? MAKE EVERYONE DIE?
Kelly: EVERYONE’S GOING TO DIE, GABE! YOU DON’T HAVE TO PUNISH BLOGS FOR IT!
Gabe: the plot of the movie is that all the girls are being total fag retards who are weird at sports and awkward at the night events
Gabe: and Vanessa Hudgens only has one month to turn things around
Gabe: or else Dean Werner Herzog is going to close down the Minnesota Chapter
Gabe: of Delta Whatever Epsilon
Gabe: so she sends out the email A LA JERRY MCGUIRES
Kelly: hahahah
Gabe: and at first everyone is like “can you believe this email? she is fired!”
Gabe: and only one girl believes in her
Gabe: but that girl stops being such a fucking retard
Gabe: and she eventually is elected HOMECOMING QUEEN
Gabe: and now all the bitches are lining up
Gabe: but it’s too late retards, the Sigmas DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES
Kelly: Whoa
Kelly: That is literally the least fucking retarded movie idea I’ve ever heard of.
Gabe: this movie is dope and i would see this movie
Kelly: Soundtrack by Daft Punk and Drake
Gabe: soundtrack by Skrillex with a brand new song from Postal Service first song in 100 years!
Kelly: Hahahaha
Kelly: I have to say I’m not totally on board with the soundtrack, but everything else is perfect and I cannot wait.
Gabe: whoa, soundtrack police over here
Gabe: who do you want for the soundtrack then? Anna Kendrick?
Kelly: Anna Kendrick and Macklemore
Gabe: Original Score by Anna Kendrick and the Cup Song All-STars
Kelly: Anna only plays cups though, no singing
Gabe: your soundtrack is awful
Gabe: NO MUMFORD AND SONS OR EVEN IMAGINE DRAGONS?!
Gabe: we need someone new anyways
Gabe: Daft Punk already did Tron
Gabe: Nine Inch Nails did The Facebook
Gabe: Skrillex did Spring Break
Gabe: Adele did James Bond
Gabe: who is the NEW SOUND?
Kelly: Hmmmmmmmmm
Kelly: Rihanna?
Gabe: rihanna is for the trailer
Gabe: to appeal to a wide audience
Gabe: well, actually the trailer is probably just Paper Planes
Gabe: AS USUAL
Kelly: “Paper Planes” and “Oh My God” by Ida Maria for the trailer
Gabe: Grimes
Gabe: she could do it
Kelly: Oh, Grimes!
Kelly: Yeah she should do the whole thing
Gabe: OK
Gabe: Cut print
Kelly: CUT, PRINT IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS?
Gabe: YOU DON’T ARGO. YOU. DON’T. ARGO.

(Gossiping girls image via Shutterstock.)

Comments (29)
  1. Obviously “Sail” by AWOLNATION for the trailer. What are you guys, LITERALLY RETARDED?

  2. Ok. Listen the fuck up everyone because I’m only going to say this shit FUCKING ONCE.

    87 years ago, our fucking fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the fucking proposition that ALL FUCKING MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. Do you need me to repeat myself? Or are you guys just retarded, and not deaf, too? No? Good.

    Well guess what? Now we are engaged in a great civil war. A CIVIL FUCKING WAR. Now how the fuck are we supposed to endure that shit? Hmm? Did you not just listen to me? That part where we’re all fucking equal? Yeah. Well now we are met on a great battle field of that war. You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live because that’s what good Goddamn Americans do. And what are we? That’s right. Not boring ass French. Or weird ass Chinese. Fucking Americans.

    Hold the fuck on, though, because big fucking picture? We can’t consecrate or dedicate or any fucking hallowate this ground. Those brave bitches who fought here? Who put their fucking LIVES ON THE LINE? Yeah. They’re the motherfuckers who consecrated this shit. News flash time: The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. Ok, faggots? It is for us the living, rather, the living who aren’t too retarded to know what day it is, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. “But, Lincoln” You’re probably saying, “What are we supposed to do?” And to that I say, “Stop fucking whining before I cunt punt you. Now listen.” We gotta remember that these bitches died, ok? FUCKING DIED for this country. So every time you’re like “but I don’t want to” or “What’s a sport?” or “I’m pretty sure the 2nd amendment applies to assault rifles” remember what happened here, and fucking resolve that they have not died in vain. Resolve that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Got it, fagtards?

    • I’m jealous of this.

      (Also, seriously, I love that sorority girl. I will treasure that email and in 2044 she has my vote for president. So maybe this speech will become a reality! fingers crossed)

      • I’m kind of in love with her, too. Not that I would ever want to be in a relationship with her or anything, but I could see myself going to a baseball game with her. Maybe a comedy show? Something where heckling is encouraged.

        • Yeah, she’s your favorite event-and-party-attending friend, absolutely, but you’d also sometimes think “I wonder if she’ll ever date a guy who’s not obviously a mistake?” You’d kind of worry about her, sometimes, and not just in that eyerolling “I can’t believe our night ended at the police station again” kind of way.

          RELATED (potentially): You’re going to be in Chicago on Friday only? I’m going to post my cell phone [URL=https://www.facebook.com/groups/101520573251494/]here[/URL] so that I don’t miss the one chance to hang. That goes for any other Friday-only monsters too YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE (I don’t. I barely pay attention to anything).

      • I thought the email was funny as Gawker described it, but as I was reading it, it read more like the message was “seriously, girls, if you don’t start letting the almost certainly bro-tastic d-bags in Sigma Nu start hitting on you more often, we’re kicking you out of the sorority.” I don’t know, I wasn’t Greek in college so maybe (probably?) hats the only reason these organizations exist, but still, it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. The vibe I got was that the emailer was responding to complaints from their “match-up” that the sorority girls weren’t easy enough, and was taking the frat’s side.

    • You still got it, LB!

  3. SLEIGH BELLS for the trailer OBVIOUSLY

  4. If that email was a speech in a college hi-jinks comedy, it would be hilarious. I can just see her, with her sorority girls lined up military-inspection-style, in matching camo mini dresses like Posh in Spice World (don’t even pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about), while she marches up and down in front of them and every time she mentions something specific (“I have gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing fucking team”) one of the girls in the back will run off in tears.

    For real though, who are these whiny babies sending this girl all of these texts? “wah wah your sorority girls didn’t talk to me at the party” “wah wah your sorority girls cheered for another team” “wah wah your sorority girls said they wanted to go to someone else’s party after the game” Hey, Sigma Nu: maybe if you were more interesting, the girls would talk to you and want to go to your parties and you wouldn’t have to cry to their pimp/den mother to force them to suffer through your company for a night.

  5. Every time some one tries to tell me about how empowering and what a sense of sisterhood they got out of their sorority experience, I can’t help but think about things like this. They tell you what to wear, where to go, who you have to see, etc. And it just seems so lame and horrible. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not on board with the sorority thing.

    • Even the comments defending Greek culture are horrible. I loved the one with a huge list like, “Did you know 71% of the Forbes Most Rich Jerkwad List are all members of Fraternities? Greeks are more successful in life.” Cool defense of your society. “It increases nepotism 3000%!” Where do I sign?!

      • Ugh. This too.

        • Ughhhhhhh I recently served at a catering event for a Family Weekend event for a frat at a prestigious private NC college that will remain nameless, but seriously you know which one I’m talking about, and I just wanted to run through the room punching every single person in the room in the fucking faces. It was all drunk fathers coaching their sons on how to get jobs as investment bankers, and dudes in febreezed oxford shirts and febreezed sport coats talking about fucking skeet shooting and yachting and I was like “This may be where the class war starts. It might be right here, with me punching everyone in this room in the face.”

          • Rather than try to contribute, I’m just going to pen a formal thank you to videogum this morning. For some reason, this sorority email left me staring at my monitor, mouth agape, with scrambled-egg brains unable to process. How? Why? Who are we humans? Where, When are we? Between Gabe and Kelly’s irreverence and all of your your concise dissection and aggressive humor / insight treatment, I feel a sense of equilibrium sufficient to continue with the day. The philosophical underpinnings and worldview painted in thick dashes of oily CAPS really messed with my brain. I find it no small coincidence that Neatorama found it necessary to re-post an article breaking down existentialism for easy entry, made even more palatable by some philosophy cats. It was a surprisingly apt prescription for this particular ailment.

  6. You guys have it all wrong; this isn’t going to be a movie. This girl is going to get a reality show. OBVIOUSLY. What are you, fucking literally retarded?

  7. The film just needs to be

    PLUS

  8. Heather Chandler is alive and well and doing exactly what I thought she would do with her life!

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