Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: hi kelly
Gabe: just enjoying the remains of one of the greatest weeks of all time
Gabe: wish it would go on forever, this week
Kelly: Oh I know.
Gabe: what was your favorite part of the week? TAX DAY?
Gabe: literally i think Tax Day might actually have been the highlight of the week for America?
Kelly: Honestly I was going to say
Kelly: Looking back on it I think it was definitely the best part.
Kelly: Well, enjoy it while it lasts.
Kelly: I’m fine, anyway, thanks for asking.
Gabe: i know you’re fine
Gabe: THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU, KELLY
Gabe: THERE ARE BIGGER THINGS GOING ON OUT THERE
Gabe: jesus christ, unbelievable
Kelly: Bigger things like what?
Kelly: The sorority girl email?!
Gabe: YES CASE IN POINT
Gabe: that is a good email and i am excited for the movie they are going to make of it
Kelly: They always know exactly what movies to make, so I’m sure this is currently at the top of their list.
Gabe: it’s going to be called 80 Faggots
Gabe: it’s going to be called WEIRD AT SPORTS
Gabe: in all caps like that
Kelly: And the tagline is going to be LITERALLY ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?
Gabe: Directed by Terrence Malick
Kelly: It’s going to be so beautiful!
Gabe: so many lame ass retarded sorority girls running their hands over wheat fields at twlight
Gabe: DON’T. GO. TO. THE. WONDER.
Kelly: Aaron Sorkin will adapt the email obviously
Kelly: I know that’s not totally exciting but when it’s right it’s right
Gabe: who is going to play the mean girl? selena gomez?
Kelly: No way
Gabe: she turned her disney image on its head with Spring Breakers, but she still played a nice girl, now she turns her nice girl image on her head by playing a not nice girl!
Kelly: Well when you put it that way
Gabe: i guess we could just get Time’s Most Influential Person In The World, Jennifer Lawrence
Gabe: we could just
Gabe: and bradley cooper can play one of the sigmas who rats out the retarded girls who are weird at sports and so awkward
Kelly: Oh man.
Kelly: And all of the Delta Gamma girls can be young stars of reality TV.
Gabe: teen moms, the surviving members of Buckwild who are not also in jail for heroin trafficking
Gabe: R.I.P. SHANE GANDEE FOR REAL I AM SORRY FOR MY JOKE ANGEL SHANE!
Kelly: Harmony Korine is going to be pissed that he’s not involved but whatever
Gabe: uh, he is too busy
Gabe: directing Avengers 3
Kelly: Hahah oh right
Gabe: i do think we could get Werner Herzog to play The Dean though
Kelly: Oh that’s perfect
Kelly: And Brit Marling can play the Gawker writer who gets the scoop
Kelly: COME ON
Kelly: “I want the blogger from House of Cards to do it”
Gabe: there is no “Gawker Writer” in this MOVIE
Gabe: this movie is BASED ON a true story
Gabe: we don’t have to bring BLOGS INTO IT
Gabe: what are you trying to do? MAKE EVERYONE DIE?
Kelly: EVERYONE’S GOING TO DIE, GABE! YOU DON’T HAVE TO PUNISH BLOGS FOR IT!
Gabe: the plot of the movie is that all the girls are being total fag retards who are weird at sports and awkward at the night events
Gabe: and Vanessa Hudgens only has one month to turn things around
Gabe: or else Dean Werner Herzog is going to close down the Minnesota Chapter
Gabe: of Delta Whatever Epsilon
Gabe: so she sends out the email A LA JERRY MCGUIRES
Gabe: and at first everyone is like “can you believe this email? she is fired!”
Gabe: and only one girl believes in her
Gabe: but that girl stops being such a fucking retard
Gabe: and she eventually is elected HOMECOMING QUEEN
Gabe: and now all the bitches are lining up
Gabe: but it’s too late retards, the Sigmas DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES
Kelly: That is literally the least fucking retarded movie idea I’ve ever heard of.
Gabe: this movie is dope and i would see this movie
Kelly: Soundtrack by Daft Punk and Drake
Gabe: soundtrack by Skrillex with a brand new song from Postal Service first song in 100 years!
Kelly: I have to say I’m not totally on board with the soundtrack, but everything else is perfect and I cannot wait.
Gabe: whoa, soundtrack police over here
Gabe: who do you want for the soundtrack then? Anna Kendrick?
Kelly: Anna Kendrick and Macklemore
Gabe: Original Score by Anna Kendrick and the Cup Song All-STars
Kelly: Anna only plays cups though, no singing
Gabe: your soundtrack is awful
Gabe: NO MUMFORD AND SONS OR EVEN IMAGINE DRAGONS?!
Gabe: we need someone new anyways
Gabe: Daft Punk already did Tron
Gabe: Nine Inch Nails did The Facebook
Gabe: Skrillex did Spring Break
Gabe: Adele did James Bond
Gabe: who is the NEW SOUND?
Gabe: rihanna is for the trailer
Gabe: to appeal to a wide audience
Gabe: well, actually the trailer is probably just Paper Planes
Gabe: AS USUAL
Kelly: “Paper Planes” and “Oh My God” by Ida Maria for the trailer
Gabe: she could do it
Kelly: Oh, Grimes!
Kelly: Yeah she should do the whole thing
Gabe: Cut print
Kelly: CUT, PRINT IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS?
Gabe: YOU DON’T ARGO. YOU. DON’T. ARGO.
(Gossiping girls image via Shutterstock.)