The news is reporting today that a suspect has been identified and may or may not have already been detained by law enforcement agencies. While this is (probably?) a good development, it naturally creates a well-known problem, which is a 24-hour news network trying to fill all of that time with about 10 seconds worth of actual information. I just turned on CNN to see what was up, and this shit is exceptionally egregious today. Like, OK, Wolf Blitzer and that other guy who I recognize from operating the magic TV during the election are just rampantly speculating about almost nothing in the middle of a still-devastated Copley Square. Sure. And I’m not even going to get into the part where they keep dropping euphemisms for the suspect’s race, as if the suspect’s race is even remotely important. But I had to turn off the television and throw it out the window when behind these two dumb dumbs mindless talking they started playing b-roll footage of the actual explosions along with AUDIO of PEOPLE SCREAMING FOR THEIR LIVES. Are you fucking kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW, CNN?!

Comments (67)
  1. Did they at least corroborate their source’s information with’s hologram before going to the air with this speculative chatter?

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  2. Ooooooof. I just can’t even. It’s a shame when the times I especially don’t want to read the news are when there are actual news stories, because shit like this just makes me SO ANGRY. Quit wasting my fucking time with your horror machine, CNN, and start maybe actually helping someone.

  3. Guess where you are? WRONG. You’re on CNN’s homepage.

    • Those last two headlines are 100% perfect and I do not need any more context for either of them.

    • Top left: Who? Probably she was, yes. Who though?
      Top Middle: Finally! I’ve been to every local lost and found asking for a huge gator and everyone thought I was crazy but guess what, now I have my huge gator back and he loves helping me scare sarcastic lost and found employees
      Top right: Yes I do
      2nd row left:Took 35 years to do what, CNN?!
      3rd row left: Share what? Dog herpes? jk cute baby dog kiss.

      • I can answer your question about the Museum Sculpture. It literally just took 35 years. The entire structure is made out of nothing but the years 1950 through 1985 which were stolen from the chronological timeline of history via in what will be forever known as the Heist of the Century. Although, it is an erroneous title since half that century is now made into a Popsicle stick structure.

    • For real with this! I’m dating someone who seems to primarily get her news from Having never visited the website myself, I was shocked to discover that an otherwise reasonable person believes that this counts as reading the news.

  4. I’d like to see some racist iReports from Massholes on the StreetTM. (No I would not.)

    Lately, I’ve been getting most of my news from the BBC. The AP has gotten progressively worse and weirder and The New York Times is absolute shit as well. I miss the Weekly World News and its coverage of time vortexes. Bat Boy was overrated.

    • I’m all about the Guardian, they have great live update blogs so you get up to the minute news except they actually check sources. So it’s up to the minute news that is actually checked by intelligent people.

      I feel like we’re back in the ages of yellow journalism. Have Hearst and Pullitzer just been frozen this whole time, only to be thawed out and back at their hijinks?

      • Totally yellow journalism. The agenda is not even pretending to hide anymore.

        The insane North Korea reports are what drew me to the BBC and the Guardian anyway. Of course the Guardian had a theories piece yesterday that was literally only speculation and hearsay (like CNN) about the bombings and it made me mad for hours.

        I need to stop reading the news forever.

    • So things are back to normal and we’re just pulling out the Massholes are racist bit?

      • can we talk about how much it bothers me that everyone is saying how racist MA is? Like, I know we’ve had racial problems! Lots of them! But seriously, everywhere has racist people! I live in Chicago and, sheesh, there are some pretty racist people here. I went to Paris and there were racist people there.

        Overall Mass is a pretty open and awesome state (see- gay marriage, universal healthcare). I know our sports fans are douchebags but so are most hardcore sports fans.

        • It drives me fucking mad. MA is wicked progressive at this point, yet people want to claim somehow that MA/Boston is more racist than any other place in the country. Then all people will ever be able to cite are old, old news. The slagging of Boston in general has increased over the last few years and it is tiresome.

          And I’ll defend the sports fans. The douchebag fans are a newer breed. Boston has had a good reputation for intelligent sports fans for a long while.

          • I just meant a bad stereotype of a person who is a bad driver with a wicked rough accent but also happens to be racist and is speaking nonsense to CNN and CNN is putting them on the air because iNews is an abomination. Oh and that person happens to be from Mass only because of the bombing. Those people definitely live everywhere.

          • Jerks and racists and bad drivers live everywhere.

            But hot damn, the bad driving in Mass always impressed me. Also: everywhere else.

          • Mass drivers are wonderful drivers if you too drive the Masshole way.

  5. Uuuughhh this is totally barf. Nice response by the FBI, though.

  6. This brings up a question I’ve been pondering for quite some time: What is a fairly reliable news source that I can get the latest on any developing news stories? It’s already been established that cable news in this country is a festering pile of rotting garbage, and any sources I do like are usually kind of late with early details on a story as it happens. Where should I go to for my “breaking news”?

    • Norm MacDonald’s twitter account?

    • The guardian! or the bbc. or al jazeera. I’ve heard good things about reuters as well. probably also npr, as they are supposed to be fair and balanced and such. There are plenty out there.

      also: I generally turn to reddit for “while it’s happening” stuff, because threads are updated with multiple sources pretty much every minute. It’s how I followed Newtown and Boston, plus everything is links so you don’t have to worry about all of a sudden seeing a horrifying image (unless you’re in the porn reddits, but that’s your own fault).

    • Mother Jones is also very good. They’re non-profit, which helps. And they are the king of explainer pieces.

      • yes! I remember reading them when all the Arab Spring stuff was happening. Really good background pieces that gave the history of the country and region, so you could actually understand why the revolution was happening.

        They are also very very liberal, which is not a bad thing, but some people don’t like “bias.”

  7. The race thing was really weird, though. Does anyone else ever have that feeling where you’re just confused by an incident racism? Like, it’s just weird that someone’s mind went there, and you’re not even that angry because you’re still trying to figure it out? That happened to me during that bit. John King is explaining that a suspect has been arrested for one of the most horrific acts of terrorism in the US, and Wolf Blitzer keeps nagging him about his fucking ethnicity.

    I mean, after a bit, I get it. If the dude has brown skin, CNN gets to flaunt out the speculation of ties to high-profile terrorist organizations. It plays into a preexisting narrative an it’s easier story for them to cover. The fact that it’s racist as fuck I think is just incidental.

    In a way, you kinda have to hand it to Fox. At least when they’re racist, they give it one-hundred percent. CNN even sucks at being racist.

    • It’s also kinda weird that English is my first language.

    • Where’s Brad Paisley when you need him?

    • I have had that, but basically the opposite of it. Years ago, I wrote a review for a flash game, Super Dress-Up Morgan Freeman. Most of the comments were A) people who could not figure out why this game existed, and why a site known for only reviewing quality games would even bother to bring it up; or B) People who were just straight up delighted. But I DID get one person who accused me of being racist for writing the review. I was so genuinely puzzled as to how you could get racism from that. I even asked the other reviewers, and none of us could find anything that could be percieved as even the tiniest bit racist.

  8. Shut it down.


  10. But, seriously, remember when The Rock broke the bin Laden story?

  11. Monday evening I was on Buzzfeed and I saw the photo Mr. Bauman uncensored. The image of the extent of his suffering will forever haunt my memory.

  12. Oh brother. I swore off CNN after the rape apologist garbage nonsense that happened a few weeks ago and now I don’t regret that decision one bit.

    AND WHY DO THEY LOVE TWITTER SO MUCH?! I hate how much CNN loves twitter.

    (This was not a particularly intelligent comment, but, you know, just don’t have the energy to get up and get my 4th cup of coffee yet.)

    • Yeah I hate how much CNN loves Twitter as well. It’s like, either be a “serious news network” or get into Twitter contests with Ashton Kutcher. YOU CAN’T HAVE BOTH.

    • Yeah, why do they love it so much?? It’s like they are always looking for an excuse to say the word tweet. Do they get paid to say the word tweet?

  13. It’s sad, my office was up and running around and announcing that they caught someone. We were all so happy for a good 10-15 minutes, then hear it’s not true. Our overall emotions are crazy right now and THIS IS NOT HELPING NEWS PEOPLE. Also now we’re hearing there are bomb threats. I’m disgusted on so many levels right now.

  14. They should make a law requiring all media sources to call it Breaking “News”(?)

  15. The worst thing was the CBC reporting on the Haitian quake. Just a shot of a bloody hand sticking up from the rubble while a relative bawled her eyes out.

  16. I was on the Italian news once, saying that I’m a testicle. That was some pretty sweet reporting.

  17. I’m always appalled at the way tragedies are covered. It makes me feel icky. I do not watch the news and sometimes will not even listen to it. After Newtown, I couldn’t bear to hear or see anything about it. If it came on the radio, I turned it off. I still to this day have not read an article about it.

    And THIS. I clicked on one of those CNN articles and was reminded of why I don’t follow the news. There are straight up gross and gruesome photos on there. Completely tasteless and disrespectful.

    I also remember years ago after a tsunami I think in Thailand, Time magazine published photos of the aftermath, one of which was a dead, bloated corpse floating in the water. I mean a full spread of this photo. Disgusting.

    Goodbye Time, CNN, and everything.

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