How was your day today? Bad? Woke up late, fell into a puddle, coffee machine was broken at work, slipped down the steps because your shoes never dried from the puddle and fell into your crush, who then pushed you into a sinkhole that had just opened up beneath your car? Well, no matter how bad it was it couldn’t have been worse than Game of Thrones actress Emilia Clarke’s day! The story is so embarrassing I can hardly even talk about it, but for your sake I’ll try. Ready? Okay. Emilia Clarke changed her Facebook profile picture to a picture of her face WITHOUT ANY MAKEUP ON IT. Like, literally zero paint on this face at all. You might be thinking, “Surely you just mean a tinted moisturizer, concealer on the problem areas, and some mascara and brow tint,” but I don’t! Like, imagine a face. THAT IS ALL HER FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURE IS NOW. As you can see, the result is quite shocking. You’d assume that because she is incredibly beautiful with makeup on, that, once the makeup is taken off, at least a fair amount of that beauty would stay on the face, and like, what are we even talking about here, obviously she is going to still be beautiful without makeup on?, why is everyone so surprised?, but nope! Just gross. So, so sad for Emilia Clarke and her embarrassing bare face today. I hope I can get over this image when I begin to watch Game of Thrones on HBOGO, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to. Soooooooo, how was your day now that you’ve heard about this drama rama nightmare? Not that bad, right?

Comments (159)
  1. Ugh, have some mercy, Kelly. I just ate.

  2. Weird, because Sean Bean just posted his pic WITH makeup!

  3. I dont know who this emily clark woman is but she is pretty.

  4. My day was going GREAT until you ruined it with that horrifying photo. I was so disturbed that I felt the need to fix it :(

  5. I was sick the last couple days, due to what I believe was mild food poisoning. Life advice: if you find yourself on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, do NOT eat at Uptown Cottage, unless you want a one way ticket to puketown.

    However, today I got into work and was given the lead on an account we are considering, and this is the first time this has happened to me so this is exciting. It’s a tiny account we probably won’t sign with, but STILL.

    Also the weather is finally good in New York, at long last. So some good and some bad for me lately. But more good.

    • I was also sick the last couple of days! But I blamed mine on a hex, not food poisoning. Pretty sure it was a hex! Not much else to report other than the pleasant surprise of a new British Sea Power album and that there is a very pretty lady at the top of this post.

    • Okay, I don’t know if it’s because I did it through my mobile phone, but I accidentally down voted this post when I meant to upvote, but unlike before it’s not letting me change it. Is this just me or has this happened to others?

      • You used to be able to change your vote?! Are you an X-Man?

        • That’s the worst X-Man power next to Jubilee

          • I swear I was able to do it under the old system. Oh well, I want to personally upvote Saturnian’s post with this reply. Also, the worst mutant ever was Cypher, who’s power was learning languages quickly. Great IRL but not the most compelling read.

          • i beg to differ.

          • Skin and Maggott were also sub-Jubilee when it came to powers but I suppose Skin was never part of the main X-Men team so it was fine to omit him

          • I always thought Wolverine got shafted in the powers department, too. Granted, he got lucky with some sweet claws. But without those, he would best serve as target practice for the students.

          • Beak is pretty bad, but he was part of a great menagerie of new mutants during Grant Morrison’s run. They can’t all be winners, and a lot of them weren’t, which I think was the point.

            Regarding Wolverine sans claws, well, he’d basically be Deadpool minus the jokes. He’d still be part of the top secret Weapon series, and he’d still be a special ops and agent and then a samurai. I’m not saying he wouldn’t be target practice (Wade gleefully makes himself target practice all the time), I’m just saying he’d be far from useless.

            Hell, until Magneto pulled all the adamantium out of Wolverine’s body back in the mid ’90s, nobody knew he had bone claws under there (and back when he was initially created by Len Wein and John Romita Sr, they meant for the claws to be part of the gloves, not part of Wolverine, and then when they decided the claws were part of Wolverine, it was decided he got them IN the Weapon Program).

            Ah, retroactive continuity, keeping comics interesting and head-spinning since forever.

            Also, Skin’s power was pretty useless but the character had his moments. But if stretchy skin is a lame power, then a mutant whose power is he has a slightly longer neck than normal takes the cake, which is why I nominate Long Neck for wors power.

            From the xmenipedia wiki:
            Longneck (Jonah van Helsing) is the 102nd member of the X-men Because he wasnt in many issues not much is known about him except that he died quickly because shortly after he joined M-day arrived and he lost his powers but because of his neck trying to revert back to normal his neck snapped and he died.

  6. Best day I’ve had all week. I also had a wonderful pepproni & gorgonzola panini for lunch today. The two are likely related.

  7. I have completed the final phase of my cleanse, and now I’m drinking and eating red meat. Praise Be to Jesus (or PBJ, another thing I can eat now)!

    On a side note, I did get a call from my folks, who gave me attitude about forgetting their anniversary last week. I love my parents and all, but is that a thing people do? Calling your parents on THEIR wedding anniversary? It’s a miracle I can remember their birthdays (without Facebook), what more do they want from me?!

    • Maybe I have been derelict in my daughterly duties but I have certainly never acknowledged my parents’ anniversary. I sort of think I know what month it’s in, and that seems good enough to me!

    • I know people who do always remember their parents’ anniversary, and I find that odd. I think my parents are approaching 40 years at this point, but I still have no idea when it is. Recently they reprogrammed their garage door code with their anniversary date, and told me I could use it any time (not sure why I would, but…), knowing full well I have no chance of getting that right.

      • The other day, we were all the in the family room and I was trying to get into my dad’s laptop. I asked him for the passowrd and he said, “You know it”.

        Spoiler alert: It was my name

        It’s great to feel loved and secure guys, even at my advanced age (27).

    • As my parents divorced when I was too young to be required to independently celebrate anything, I was surprised to find out that this is, indeed, a thing. Some kids really go over the top to celebrate it, which only made me feel much better about not having to worry about it.

  8. Great day! Work has settled down a bit, i worked on a friend’s bike, right now i am drinking a refreshing cider, let’s see.. i made some plans to ride up a mountain in 10 days, will watch Moonrise Kingdom with the biggest small flask tonight, and i will continue to hide my face behind a false mustache and glasses so i do not expose you to my hideous face that looks EXACTLY like Emilia Clarke without makeup. We are all winners.

  9. Like saturnian and a billion other people I am sick, but sort of at the tail end of being sick, as in I really want a beer even though I probably shouldn’t, but maybe I can justify whisky? That’s medicinal, right? That said, sick drunk is a weird drunk.

  10. My book comes out in 5 days. It’s been almost 5 years in the making, and I’m a little scared but mostly very excited. Reviews are starting to roll in, and I’ve been googling myself so often that my search bar just knows the drill and fills in my name as soon as I hit the ” key. gentlemansteph figured out that we can search library catalogues and I actually started counting the number of books I’ve sold to libraries by visiting individual library sites because I am sick, sick, sick, and my fiance is a total enabler. Tomorrow, I’m having a few friends over and we’re going to drink and drink and then I’m going to practice reading, because the one time I read my writing out loud (in college) was a complete disaster that might have scarred me for life.

    Employment watch 2013 is still looking bleak, but I am more or less unbothered by that right now. Also, I am going to a book club tonight with amy wins again, and that should be fun. We are discussing The Plain in Flames by Juan Rulfo. You guys, if you like your reading to feel like a foot on your chest, you should check it out. It’s very short and brutal.

  11. The coffee machine WAS broken at work today!! And so were all of the shredders (???) because apparently it takes 5 tries on 5 different shredders for grown fucking adults to realize that you can’t shred 20 pages at a time???

    Other than that my day was pretty good. I saw a tiny dog in a sweater that had a picture of himself knitted on it, so that was a bonus.

    • Sidebar: what do we think the odds are on the fb photo DISASTER being a prank pulled by her hilarious paramour, our good friend mister Seth McFarlane?

    • I spend half of my day addressing shredder/printer/copy machine issues caused by insanely inept grown adults who also happen to be professors, usually. And that is super not my job, but for some reason I am the only one equipped to deal with such things.

      • Same here. It’s like when there’s a printer, everyone reverts to neanderthal mode and starts pounding on all the buttons at once.

  12. My day was pretty great with one major exception! All the great things: yesterday was mr. truck’s birthday so we went to a concert of one of his favorite bands and guys, it was a REALLY great concert. So much so that today I downloaded a bunch of their stuff and I listened to it all day and it was great! Work was pretty good – there was a mistake that I thought I made but turns out I didn’t! Also a bunch of my bosses were out of town because their kids have spring break so it was pretty quiet which meant I got a lot of work done! Also I had a delicious lunch – you guys know honey mustard dressing? I hadn’t had it in awhile. It’s pretty good. So then there’s this horrible thing where we have to replace the furnace and AC unit in our house which is gonna be crazy expensive but at least it’ll have a lifetime warranty and then when we sell the house it’ll be more valuable or something. Now I’m having a drink to celebrate paying a bunch of money while I listen to mr. truck tune his new banjo! yay birthday!

  13. This is a thank you note that I have really been wanting to post. I hope it comes out right: I’m doing great today. My son is five weeks old. He is beautiful and healthy, despite complications that occurred throughout the pregnancy. I was on bed rest the last trimester and spent most of the pregnancy alone (I’ll save you the depressing details). And that’s where Videogum comes in. On the many nights I spent by myself wondering how this was all going to work out, you guys were there. Most of the laughter my son heard from me before he got here was because of something you wrote. You didn’t know it, but you were my friends and family through a lot of lonely days and sleepless nights. So, thank you. My son is only a month old, but he already has his own little personality. I am so glad that his humor and outlook has been influenced by you, some of the coolest, smartest and kindest people I’ve ever had the privilege of reading. You’ll never know how much I appreciate you.

  14. Our office coffee machine is working but we can’t use it because we were just told that the water in our kitchen (that everyone, myself included, has been drinking for years) is not potable. Also there are rats everywhere in the building all of the sudden. So that’s pretty cool. Way to keep it classy, State of California (my employer). At least the weather is super awesome.

  15. I just saw an article on Yahoo News with the headline “Who Gwyneth Looks Like After Botox.” I didn’t click on it, because all of the ideas I have rushing through my head are probably WAY better than whatever they would say. Right now, my best guess is either Owen Wilson or Bai Ling. Anybody else wanna play this game?

  16. Pretty great! I’m going to New York tomorrow so today’s my Friday, and Monday is Patriots Day which means that Boston is shut down and I don’t have work, so it’s a four-day weekend in the Big Apple for me! Wooo! Also, just now as I was headed toward an intersection where I usually have to wait through two cycles of lights to cross, the walk sign flipped on as I was reaching for the request button! Woo again! Everything’s coming up Flanny!

    • Ooh, I also got my prescription sunglasses in the mail today, so if it’s sunny if New York, I’ll still be able to see. And they came with a free glasses wipe which has a beautiful, Bob Ross-esque picture of some happy little autumn trees.

      Okay, I’m done now.

    • Enjoy your Patriots Day…I work for two Partners hospitals, one of which considers Monday a holiday and the other one doesn’t. Except the one that calls Monday is a holiday originally scheduled me, which is awesome because they pay me overtime AND it would’ve been holiday pay. SO MUCH MONEY. It’s my side job so it would’ve been fun, too!
      But my stupid real job thinks Monday is a normal work day. Stupid! Not fair! And real job is IN the city, fun job is in the suburbs! Ridiculous. Sorry. But seriously, enjoy your Patriots Day and long weekend.

      • Booo. I used to work retail and I would work every goddamn holiday that existed, so I consider having all these rando holidays off to be balancing out those years. Good luck Monday!

    • Where in NY?

  17. My idiot neighbors were outside drinking and yelling until 4 a.m. so I didn’t get any sleep last night. I went over at 2:30 to ask them nicely to keep it down but they just got louder. Plus I’m angry because I’ve become the person who is annoyed by weeknight parties instead of the person who parties on weeknights. Anyhow I really hate my neighbors, so any Revenge ideas would be greatly appreciated. I’m about to go Emily Thorne on these jerks.

    • arson sends a pretty firm message

      • I was thinking more along the lines of turning a hose on them, or lobbing water balloons filled with chocolate syrup over the fence. But if you know of a flamer, there’s always money in the banana stand!

    • Do they have kids? If not, call CPS and say you heard your neighbor being verbally abusive towards his son, threatening to “make him disappear.”

    • I am currently having my own neighbor feud (they have so much loud sex, all of the sex, all of the noises, all of the time), and this morning my weapon of choice was playing the original soundtrack to Annie (pro tip: all of the songs can be easily found on YouTube or Spotify) at top volume through the wall. Nothing will temper boundless sexual energy like the shrill singing voices of children, and I’m assuming this will also work on weeknight parties. Go forth and conquer!

  18. ugh. you guys! i had a very shitty day at my very shitty retail job!

    a customer bought a two pieces of styrofoam (a disc and a ball) with a coupon, then immediately got very angry and demanded to know why it was so expensive, saying she had bought the same items at another location for much less, which, no she did not, that’s not how big corporate retail chains work, and i know for a fact that our styrofoam never goes on sale, but either way there’s not a whole lot i can do about it. then she was like “whatever” and asked for a bag. now, several cities in the bay area, including the one in which i live and work, have recently instituted a “no bags” retail policy, forbidding plastic bags and charging a ten cent tax for paper ones. needless to say, she was NOT happy about this, either. to make matters worse, the ball was about a foot in diameter and would not fit in the bag, at which point she got VERY upset with me specifically and demanded a refund. i paged a manager to come void out the transaction, because i was very flustered at this point and forgot that i could just return everything, which i fully admit was a dumb mistake and all my fault and later apologized for. she refused to move from the counter so i could help the VERY long line growing behind her in the meantime, and got in a very loud argument with the man behind her. THEN, when everything was taken care of, she asked for my name and said she was going to call corporate to complain about me. uuuuuuuugggghhhh you guuuuuuyyyysssssss

    on the bright side, on the way home from work i finally got my hands on a hardcover copy of the batman / judge dredd collection which i’ve been having a very difficult time finding for some reason. and i paid for it in part with money i received for designing a cover for a friend’s band’s new single. (my first paid design work, technically!) i texted him about it, because he HATES batman, and he just responded with a picture of him flipping me off, which was tbs very funny.

    then i went to the bank to deposit the rest of the money, and the atm was immediately like “nope!” and ate it. THROW THIS DAY OFF A BRIDGE.

    • Wait wait wait, the ATM stole your money???? Did you talk to the bank about it?

      • oh, yes. to be fair, they did take care of it pretty quickly. but also, this has happened to me multiple times at multiple locations, so get your shit together, BANK. (alternately, stop depositing cash in atms, ME.)

    • Boo that lady is horrible! Hopefully this vindictive retail story makes you smile a bit: I worked at Old Navy for a longgg time in college and i literally made bad customers pay for sucking so bad. The last year I worked there I started giving almost everyone 10% off every purchase (supposed to be for people who do the surveys, cashier code 893). I would price adjust stuff willy nilly. I gave people SO MANY free accessories – not necessarily on purpose, i just forgot to scan them then i’d throw them in the bag at the end.
      If you were a dick, you had to pay full price. I would take the time to call old navy corporate to ensure that i had the “right price” (corporate comes up with absurdly high prices for items).

      Anyway that woman probably got screwed over at many other stores because she’s so disgusting. I bet all her friends hate her and she is desperately alone in this world.

      • haha i do that too, sort of. i definitely give extra coupons and stuff to people that are nice or girls that are cute. once i was the only cashier and one of like, three employees in the store, and there was a really long line. woman came up from the middle of the line to complain, and i apologized and explained that there weren’t any other cashiers, but she wasn’t having it. then the woman i was ringing up turned to her and said “you know, if you hadn’t come up here and distracted him, he could have finished ringing me up and gotten to the next person by now,” to which the other woman just sort of stammered and got back in line, and to which i replied “extra coupons for you, new favorite customer!” i should note though that i’m not normally a cashier, so the people i have to deal with are usually just dumb or inconsiderate, not garbage nightmares. and also that the lady that complained was really nice once i actually got to her.

      • Sometimes the best revenge against terrible customers is just to be great to the great customers – particularly if you can’t set said bad customers on fire or blast the Annie soundtrack in their face when they say/do dumb things to you.

        When I was in undergrad I worked at Starbucks, about 3 years in all, and in my last year I’d just about had it with the abundance of stupid people that go there. As a supervisor I was able to somewhat escape them by never putting myself on register and just slinging espresso all day, but STILL, how I hated them! So I just started spotting my regulars in line, making their drink when they walked in, and then just yelling their name out with their delicious (and free) drink even when they were in the back of an 8,000 person line. PERKS ya’ll!

        • i like that you did this, because this is basically how the breakfast carts in nyc operate. sure, there’s a line, but if the person working the cart see you walking from the busstop, the bag with your breakfast and coffee is waiting on the ledge when you get there, and you just drop off your money.

          • oh i mean that you probably have to be a regular at that breakfast cart, unless your breakfast cart folks are also psychics. miss cleo’s coffee cart?

  19. I’ve been lurking more than posting for awhile now, but I am ready to whine into the internet void. My avatar/cat (hey, fellas!) escaped Saturday night. He has been indoors for the 11+ yrs that I have had him, and I currently live in Germany where I don’t speak the language much at all. Luckily the people here are nice and he is very friendly (and demanding when hungry) so I hope to get him back, but this is distressing. I’ve only gotten one response so far and she wasn’t sure he was the cat from the fliers, but I posted a ton of fliers in that area regardless (~2 km away). So I wait…

    • Good luck! How scary!

    • Oh no…this makes me really sad. I hope your cat comes home safe. Best of luck.

    • Aww, good luck!!

      • I will hopefully have a nice update soon. Luckily he is chipped (as required to bring him here), and my colleagues are very helpful for translating and whatever. He has always pined for the outdoors despite being rather obese and lacking typical survival skills. I like to think he is having fun and will find/have found a human when the fun stops. Anyway, it is late here, and I need to get some sleep. Thank you for the well wishes, monsters! :)

    • Can we talk about how you moved there? Are you teaching English or what?

      • Sure! I was asleep before I saw this, thus the delay.

        I am a research scientist and got offered a work contract here after meeting a lab leader at a conference where I was presenting my work. It seemed like a fun change from good ol’ southern USA, and overall it has been pretty great. I love the trains! It is so easy to travel, and plane tickets within europe are usually pretty cheap too!

        But I have been busy (read: lazy) about learning the language because almost everyone at work speaks English. I am hating that even more than usual now.

        • I’ve been trying everything I can think of to move myself back to Europe! Maybe you can research me a job somewhere!

          • Open a restaurant? There is a serious lack of tacos here.

            Sorry, that’s all I got, but I’m sure there is a way. I was lucky that this job pretty much landed in my lap.

          • German is really fun and odd in how it evolved from whatever created English. And once you get the hang of how they do crazy intense nouns and adjectives, the rest fills in quite well. I had a TERRIBLE teacher (literally watched him break a desk in anger because of a verb tense), but liked the language enough that I can still read stuff* on a semi-functional, at-will basis. Can’t speak it; used to be able to speak it when I was drinking… but that was a talent lost with the ages. (For the record, I was conversational in French and looking to pick up German until I met a teacher who had such rage issues that he actually broke a desk when I got a verb tense wrong in a 3-paragraph essay. Then I became terrible… until I made friends with beer, socially and at night and not driving. Because I grew up in Milwaukee, my ability to speak German really well after 3+ beers was considered cute and not a failure upon the super awful human who should probably be in jail but should very much not have been teaching teenagers. Ever. (I reported him for being so horrifying many times but that was useless… except to tell your rage-filled sex creep asshole teacher that you were a snitch…


            *This in no way is meant as a slight to anyone serving in unjust wars*

            *I spent 2-3 years translating folk stories into English and my #1 verb? Totenshlagen = to beat to death. Every goddamn story had that verb. When I graduated high school, I took that book with me because I didn’t think other people would believe me as to what I had to learn to learn German. (The horrifying pre-Grimm stories in which every lesson boiled down to DON’T GO INTO THE WOODS EVER… which, ironically, is why I like Grimm the TV show.)

    • I had this cat for like 6 years and he suddenly disappeared. After 4 months I found him in some yard down the street and he lived w/me for like 8 more years. You will find him! #ripmilesthecat

    • I hope you find your cat. What’s his name?

  20. My mother-in-law is visiting us this weekend, which is awesome. Because she’s awesome. So I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice.

    • That One – are you on Twitter? Because there is someone on Twitter who I am pretty sure is a monster who followed me recently, and he had a Seventh Seal image on his profile page. I DM’ed this person and said “ARE YOU THAT ONE IF NOT DISREGARD” and was disregarded, and now that image is gone. Did I embarrass myself? (I think the answer is clearly “yes,” but I would like confirmation.)

  21. So I had a pretty good week this week! I turned in my other paper topic, went to trivia with the always awesome Manners and Flanny, and now I’m making gumbo! I also got my new set of MST3k dvd’s in the mail today and the set has my favorite episode ever, “Alien from LA”. I’m so excited!

  22. today was dece, class was fine I had to so some basic 3-D modeling for a project and then I had my PE class which was straight. work is going fine our AC was finally repaired today and all my appointments went smoothly

    later though one of my friends is leaving Raleigh for an extended period of time and we’re all going out on the town but I can’t get degenerately drunk like I’d want to because I have to finish a paper on the slave trade in West Africa :”(

  23. I had shwarma today for the first time and it changed everything. So, pretty good.

  24. If you all want to make your day the tiniest bit better, you can go to space.klm.com and enter for a chance to win a trip to space.

  25. I just want to announce that my brain automatically read this to the tune of The Beatles’ “A Day in the Life”: Woke up late, fell into a puddle, coffee machine was broken at work, slipped down the steps because your shoes never dried from the puddle and fell into your crush, who then pushed you into a sinkhole that had just opened up beneath your car?

    • Hey dude sidebar did you know Dillon’s just closed? Do we have to go to the Frolic Room now?

      • #hollywoodmonsters

      • Holy crap — what?? I walked past Wednesday night at like 12:30 and it was shut but I figured that was just some quirk.

        In truth it had been going downhill the past 3-4 months, and they raised their beer prices to $4 a few weeks ago. But they were always crowded, so… huh?

        • Yeah, it’s weird, it was always super packed. Curious what will show up in it’s place.

          • I think it changed owners around January, because it started showing up as a different company on my credit card statement. I bet someone bought it just to own the location and licensing. It could become anything. But it won’t be anything with $3 pints and decent corned beef. Ugh.

  26. I’ve had a super crazy day, though mostly good.

    My aunt just got out of surgery, which went well, but I am cautiously optimistic because it’s a super scary and long story short, FUCK CANCER. We are quite close and it’s been really stressful. I’ve totally weeded my garden in the past week, just because it was the only thing I could do. When I heard the surgery went well, I drove out to my happy place (IKEA) and bought more shelves to put together because I really love EXPIDITs.Then I continued cleaning because I’m getting a new refrigerator tomorrow, which is very exciting AND I get to answer “yes” to questions regarding whether or not my current refrigerator is running that makes me giggle. Oh and I followed up on a bill I needed to pay from when I had a backpack fixed and the backpack people told me that it was free!! Later tonight, my dog’s best friend is coming over and my weekend will be a non-stop puppy party.

    So I’m crossing fingers and cleaning and building stuff until I know all is good (or as good as it can be). Unfortunately, in the midst of cleaning yesterday, I misplaced my new water filters and now I’m very confused. Where are they???

    • Oh and yesterday, I accidentally met Monroe from Grimm. He was dressed up for a blizzard (hat, scarf, coat with the collar turned up) on a bright sunny afternoon, so he was significantly easier to identify than if he was just dressed like a normal person. He was walking down my sidewalk, trying not to be noticed. This is how the interaction went down:

      ME:
      Aren’t you…

      MONROE: (head down walking faster)
      Yup.

      ME:
      Are you filming near…

      MONROE:
      Nope.

      ME:
      Well you are my friends and my favorite and we watch A LOT of television.

      MONROE: (stops and turns around, smiling)
      Awww, thanks!

      [beat x 2 or so until MONROE is out of earshot]

      MY LANDLORD:
      Oh I thought he was just some junkie. Who dresses like that on a day like today? This place must drive him nuts (with the friendly demeanor). People are probably going out of their way to say hi to him and don’t even know he’s on TV.

  27. Today a multitude of birds festooned me with their droppings, yet I find myself giddy. A paradox, you say? Not so. I will explain.

    But first, my immaterial friends, a caution. It seems that green tobacco is one of the innocuous substances in which the smoke nymph Mary Jane hibernates until awoken with fire. For me to feign complete ignorance would be disingenuous; I suspected as much from the start. I allowed her to seduce me and cloud my wits because (I hang my head to confess this) I did not enjoy my life as a washer of dishes, despite the many kindnesses shown to me. Mary Jane found me in my weakness and had her way with me. I intend to be more cautious around inflammatory substances and to look askance at visible gases of every shade and shape, and I advise all of you to do the same, should you ever return to the physical realm. She is a subtle temptress!

    I “hit bottom” – as I believe is the jargon among reformed abusers of fluids and vapours – while sitting outside a bus station late at night on my way to the Eastern Coast. My back rested against a wall of smooth stone which absorbed the heat from my body like an infinite sponge, but I was insensate to the cold. My head was enveloped by Mary Jane and her spectral fingers tickled me under my beard. Few are privy to how much I enjoy that but Mary Jane excels at divining one’s secret eccentricities. The rate of my heart slowed. It was several minutes before I became aware that it had stopped.

    At first I panicked, which seems a prudent reaction even now, but my heart failed to lurch (being inanimate) and I could not move a single muscle. I do not know precisely how much time passed from an objective point of view. From an internal perspective, it seemed an eternity of paralysis and terror. Much too long, I suddenly realized. It was the middle of the night when I died, if that is indeed what happened, so why is the sun now up and the station crowded? And these Humans seem to be moving absurdly fast even by the hectic standards of Spare Oom, labouring as it does under the whip of the heedless principles Progress and Success. Something is most certainly Up.

    Aha! I have turned to stone.

    This was not as great a surprise to me as you might expect. In Narnia, on the rare occasions when I found myself entirely powerless against the call of the moon and on the following dawn awoke entangled in the limbs of a Dryad, the nymph would often inform me that I had become a frozen stone version of myself during my slumber. Or at the very least that my hooves had been like blocks of ice. It seems that when the White Witch turned me to stone, a remnant of her spell lingered on me even under the heat of Aslan’s breath. I believe that this is because, unlike all the others who were trapped in her castle as statues, I had in my own small way earned my punishment. I didn’t betray Queen Lucy in the end but I certainly entertained the idea. The White Witch’s spell clings like a persistent mold to the hollow within my soul capable of housing such weak intentions, and occasionally it becomes an infestation.

    But never while conscious. Not until that night at the bus station.

    When I realized what had happened, the passage of time around me began to slow and feeling returned to my body. My heart resumed its ordained occupation. While from my perspective this happened almost instantaneously, at least an hour elapsed in the external world between the flexing of the littlest finger on my right hand and my rising on unsteady legs. By that time, a sizeable crowd had gathered to watch the demonic statue as it came to life. I bowed.

    “I shall be here all week,” I said, to which they responded with scattered, somewhat bewildered applause.

    But I was not there all week. I craved motion and the feel of blood pumping through me. Another bus heading East would be arriving shortly. I could not wait for it. So I began to walk, beset by swarms of self-admonishments.

    What would Alex James Murphy think if he had seen me last night? Surely there can be no more fruitless expenditure of time than lazing about as a literal statue! And to bring such a state upon oneself? Unforgivable! I tossed the green tobacco into the first refuse receptacle I found. Not before kissing it farewell, of course. Mary Jane may be sly and manipulative but I am not a cad.

    Still, although there was no denying that my condition was disgraceful, perhaps my time hadn’t been entirely wasted. For if I had retained consciousness during my stone transformation once, why not twice? And so, without delay, I found a quiet alley free of transient cardboard dwellings, sat myself down and set to work. I could fill ten volumes describing my ordeals in that alley but I value your time and your charitable opinion of me too much to do so.

    After a day without food and water and a night spent struggling against sleep and restlessness, I found my consciousness expanding and the beating of my heart attuning itself to the systole and diastole of the cosmos and lo, I was Conscious Stone once more. And this time without the aid of Mary Jane! If there is a trick to it, and I am not certain that there is but if there is one, it is to let one’s spirit chatter itself to exhaustion, at which point the distinction between animate and inanimate becomes not only unimportant but imperceptible. All things burn with life, even stone. My situation did not allow an ideal view of the sky but I could sense the sun’s movement from the swaying of shadows. Then I watched the stars perform their stately pirouette across the sliver of night’s teeming canvas available to me. Dawn brought a mantle of birds which draped itself over my shoulders. I was amused by their meaningless chirping: it echoed the wittering of thoughts back and forth, going nowhere, that until so recently had muddled my perceptions. As a spectator I found it delightful, enchanting, until I realized that they had become as fond of me as I had of them and that they had no plans for departure in the near future, and furthermore that their bowels and bladders were both quite full after what had evidently been a long flight.

    The transition from stone to flesh remains slow. Alas, I could not bestir myself quickly enough to avoid becoming an avian latrine. But still, success! How many people can turn themselves to stone at will? Very few, I suspect!

    I feel that I must follow the example of the Spider-Human and use this newfound power for good but I have yet to devise a practical use for it. Self-relocating paperweight for Giants? Surely it is useful for more than that. I could drop myself upon evil-doers from a great height…? But no, that would kill them! No no no. Don’t be so hasty, Tumnus. An opportunity will present itself. There is a purpose to this.

    For now, I must concentrate on the next stage of my plan. I have not forgotten the message from the caretaker of Spare Oom. I must continue East… but I shall not tax your patience any more than I already have by saying anything further on that subject. All I will say is that we are all part of the same organism. All things are connected, dear friends, even between worlds.

    • Mr. Tumnus please say you are a writer and have written a book we can read. Also, see a doctor about that turning to stone thing!

    • Every update is a delight.

    • As always, you are both much too kind. Thank you.

      • This reply reads as glib to me, and kind of smug, so I’m gonna rend the fictional veil or whatever and reply honestly… even though it’s a couple of days later. I hope that my brief disruption of the dream won’t ruin Tumnus for anyone.

        Every time I write one of these Tumnus epics I think it’s going to be the last one. I’m like, “phew, alright, finally got that out of my system, time to do something more productive.” It’s not like I spend a lot of time on them but they don’t write themselves either. I wrote this one a few days beforehand and then forgot about it until “How Was Your Day” day came up again. I took another look at it and was like, “YOU ARE MENTALLY ILL! Why do you do this? This is madness!” and seriously considered not posting it. But, you know, it was already written, and what else was I gonna do with it? So when I say “Thank you” I’m not just being courteous. I really mean it. It could be that you’re all only enabling my insanity but even so, it’s really gratifying that some of you are as fond of Tumnus as I am. It started off as a random joke and that’s part of what makes it so funny to me even now, but more than that, I just love the guy. I don’t know where he’s going in the long run or how it’s all gonna end but it makes me happy that if I were to stop writing these stories for whatever reason, Tumnus would not come to a bad end because there are people like you in the world to help him along. So on behalf of Tumnus and myself, thank you. It means a lot.

        • Don’t stop! You are talented. A rare combination of hilarious, charming and unique. Do you have a Mr. Tumnus blog?

          • Thanks again. Nope, no blog, no Facebook, no Twitter… my online presence is pretty minimal. I considered starting a Tumnus blog so that I wouldn’t eat up so much space on Videogum but haven’t yet. I think if I did it would become too much like work and then I’d lose interest. I’m trying to finish a different writing project but it’s not as light and breezy as these Tumnus things, which is another reason why I like writing them, as a sort of palate cleanser. Sometimes I worry that these Tumnus things are actually better than the other project simply because I put less effort into them and don’t obsess over them, and when I think like that I have to clutch my head and go, “Oh God, what am I doing….” But I’m really glad you like them so much and I don’t see myself stopping in the near future, although I do hope that Tumnus doesn’t become any more prolific than he already is. And now, back behind the curtain I go….

          • I totally agree! Thank you for sharing your posts with us. I read these at work and it just enthralls me to the point where once I finish reading, I take a step back from my desk, take a deep breath, and feel a bit more aware of the importance of some things we take for granted. Every post is like a chapter of a really cool book I would save if my apartment (hopefully never) caught on fire.

  28. Guys, our girl, KCC, won her first Royal Reel Award!

    http://instagram.com/p/XzOdLfifLx/

  29. I woke up at 6:27 and I needed to leave the house by 6:30. Somehow, I caught my commuter rail train anyhow. Then the green line was ridiculously delayed. I got to work 12 minutes late which means I have to leave 12 minutes later than I usually would, which guarantees I’d miss my commuter rail train home. I felt pretty grumpy. But then it turned around!

    I figured out a trick to make it look like I got a lot more calls than I did and overall increase our response rate. The secretary let me take my blood sugar for fun. Someone agreed to cover my shift on Monday so I can go to my real job. I got the rental application for the apartment that will fix my commute problems. And then the icing on the cake – my shift on Sunday at the fun job was changed from an evening (3-11:30) shift to a split (11-7:30) shift. Meaning I have to do NOTHING except an arts and crafts group. Things are lookin up!!!

    • Oh!! And my guy picked me up from work so i didn’t have to deal with the train, and let me drive his Golf to my place to get clothes! It is very fun to drive.

  30. You guys, I was thinking today. If you have to join a traveling circus, the best job you could probably get is being the piemaker.

  31. Yesterday was a good day except for a work thing and this weirdo on the street that told me to button my top. I didn’t button the top button so I guess he was upset at seeing the area around my collarbone/jugular dip area, but he’s a stranger on the street and he has no right to call the shots on my body and style.

    Today is meh because it’s cold and raining heavily.

    • Oh my cold is winding down! If you have a cough, I recommend the sock trick which keeps you from waking up with the case of the slumber-time coughs. You pretty much apply a layer of Vicks to the bottom of your feet and cover them in socks all night. Works for me.

  32. Wow I guess the internet really has made it possible for any moron with functioning fingers to call themselves a writer these days because (sorry to disappoint) she is still beautiful. Does she look less than perfect? Yes. Does she look like she probably just woke up? Yes. Is she therefore ugly? Absolutely not. Even in this pic I can guarantee she is still better looking than anyone commenting on this page including the writer of this pathetic post. Damn Videogum, do you even remember how to make an effort?

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