Well, this is exciting. After all of the anticipation over Beyonce being hired as the Pepsi spokeswoman and then Taylor Swift getting hired as the Diet Coke spokeswoman, it was excruciating to have to sit there and wait for their first commercials to come out. WHERE ARE THOSE COMMERCIALS?! HOW DO WE KNOW WHICH SODA TO DRINK?! But now they are here. Obviously, both of these women are goddesses and Pepsi and Diet Coke are two of the best drinks in the biz, love them both, wish the faucets ran with both of them and if you turned the hot water on it was Pepsi and if you turned the cold water on it was Diet Coke, that is my one wish. But now that we have both ads, we have to compare them side by side and determine which soda makes you a better artist. You see, both Beyonce and Taylor Swift are artists, and they both rely on the delicious creative power of Pepsi and Diet Coke (respectively) as the well-spring for their art. BUT WHICH ONE WORKS FASTER? I’m not asking which artist you like better, THIS IS ACTUAL SCIENCE. (Wait, what is science again?) So, let’s do the numbers:

Well, we all knew that when you’re in the middle of a tough work out, nothing refreshes you and gives your body the electrolytes it needs like a fucking Pepsi. Did you know that Pepsi is the only thing olympic athletes drink? But we’re here to talk about art! Drinking Pepsi definitely makes you wear a bunch of different outfits and have some form of dissociative personality disorder. Is that art? Maybe! That guy Henry Darger was pretty crazy, and his art is in museums now. “Embrace your past, but live for now” is a pretty good description of how art works, so that’s definitely one in the art column. Then again, what it really feels like from this ad is that Pepsi makes you a great performance artist (no audience, smashing mirrors) and no one likes performance art. Let’s see what Diet Coke has to say about all of this:

A messy apartment and sitting on the floor is VERY art, for sure. The starving artist! Diet Coke comes out strong in support of the arts. And journaling is, like, pure art. Diet Coke makes you journal everywhere: in the diner, other places. That journal looks very artistic, too. She probably writes her dreams in there! Dreams are the lifeblood of our art. But then the ad takes all of the work it did to represent a classic depiction of art as struggle and turns it on its head. We see Taylor backstage, we see her heading out to a packed crowd. This is art as commerce. OK, so where do we draw the line between art and capitalism? Or was that line destroyed by Andy Warhol? When the people are singing Taylor’s songs in their cars or in the break room at work, one could make the argument that this is the negative effect of the commercialization of art, and yet what is art but a means of self-expression in the hopes of connecting with other people. If the crowd responds to Taylor’s work, does that not make it the most effective art of all? Or is art self-expression for the sake of self-expression. Screaming at the top of your lungs in an empty room? But let us not fool ourselves. Beyonce is simply practicing for the same audience that Taylor is walking out to greet. And then we have this tag line: Stay Extraordinary. The implication here is that each of us is extraordinary, but does this not go contrary to art’s purpose? For aren’t we all extremely ORDINARY? Isn’t the power of Taylor’s music found in the mundane relatability of its hackneyed lyrics? And what of the use of the word “stay”? What about art encourages people to embrace stasis and inertia? Art is about movement. It is about progress. Is art about patting yourself on the back, as Diet Coke is implying, or is it about capturing the moment as Pepsi says?

Tough call. Both sodas obviously are very artistic, and isn’t that the whole point? True art is in each of us making personal decisions. So, I guess I’ll say Pepsi just because I think Diet Coke tastes fucking disgusting.

Comments (37)
  1. this is a tough call for me as well because
    coke > pepsi > diet anything

  2. I wish when you turned on the hot water it was chamomile tea and the cold water was vanilla chocolate swirl soft serve.

    • Gin on the cold side, an even more london even more dry gin on the hot side, and vermouth when it drips.

    • I know this isn’t supposed to be about who is the better artist, but I actually respect the work Beyonce does whereas with Taylor Swift I just want to scream in her face. So basically tonight I am going to buy a 2 liter of Pepsi.

      • Why this was a response to Stir Friday is truly one for the ages.

      • I am in total agreement with this and will add Pepsi to the grocery list.

      • I don’t get all the hate on Taylor Swift. What is it about Single Ladies and Bootylicious that is so much more respectable than You Belong With Me?

        • Beyonce is a seriously talented singer, and we can debate on the merits of autotune and what have you but I would bet large sums of money that Beyonce can out-sing Taylor Swift 10 times out of 10. Beyonce also appears to be able to take even the tiniest amount of shit from people, which seems beyond Taylor Swift’s capabilities (see her reaction to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s joke about her at the Golden Globes, and everything that led up to that joke being made in the first place). Beyonce is also a good role model for young girls, in that she projects an image of independence and strength while Taylor Swift has stated that she is not a feminist and has some pretty infuriating quotes on the subject matter.

          Also I don’t have really needy, sheltered white girls shoving Beyonce down my throat like she’s preaching the fucking Bible that nobody has ever heard before.

    • I think I would want hot water and cold water, but the hot water just doesn’t take any time to heat up. I mostly just use my sink to do dishes. Also, I live in Houston and wouldn’t drink anything that came out of the tap if the inside of my mouth was on fire. Am I playing this game right?

  3. Pepsi, for when you need to destroy your form throughout the multiverse, assuring you are the one constant.

    • I think I speak for every single me in the other universes when I say I wish we could give you more upvotes. Except for the universes that are post-apocalyptic. Those guys are too busy trying to stay alive and probably don’t have internet.

  4. Beyonce’s commercial was like Black Swan without the bummer ending and more exciting outfits, so I’m going to go with Pepsi on this one.

  5. I think that in this age of advanced capitalism all soda is impossible.

  6. “I only watched the first ten seconds of each.”

  7. I’m going to go with Pepsi because Diet Coke apparently made Taylor Swift hold her pencil in like the most fucked up way and I prefer the way I already hold my pencils.

    • Yeah but if Pepsi makes you see alternate versions of yourself that are trying to initiate dance battles instead of just, ya know, yourself, I think I could adjust to holding my pencil a little differently. Pepsi isn’t gonna fix that tie for me.

  8. all i gotta say:

  9. VanillaCoke > Dr. Pepper > Pepsi > Coke > saukerkraut > diet soda

    • Let’s not start that again! (However, I agree with all your soda rankings.)

      • Not starting anything. I just was providing a scale to accurately convey that I will eat and drink many things, but never diet soda.
        Case in point:
        When I was a little kid, I used to pour sodas for my family and give it to them all at once like a little waitress. I am the more observative of the bunch, and could tell by the smell alone which of the 4 drinks in identical glasses was the Diet Pepsi. I told my family this, and they were surprised. That stuff smells like diet chemicals, and that along with the godawful taste is why I don’t drink diet sodas.

  10. Are there no defenders of Diet Coke here? Even Beyonce cannot sway me away from my one true (non-alcoholic beverage) love.

    • oh Diet Coke, I wish I knew how to quit you. I always think *this time* is the last time, that I’ll finally be able to walk away for good, but then I find myself once again, ensnared in your aspartame clutches.

  11. Taylor Swift is friends with the Kennedys and “extraordinary” is the Kennedy family’s signature word (“extwahh-ohdinawy”) so this entire Diet Coke campaign is obviously pandering to the Kennedyphiles of America, ok I just came back to say that, miss u guyz xoxo

  12. Hey, where’s the love for Royal Crown?

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.