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It’s graduation time! And that means the end of Gossip Girl, says Serena, who is always right about everything. She’s like a Correct Assumptions Factory. Hopefully, Serena says at brunch with Blair, this whole being arrested thing will be the last Gossip Girl blast about her ever. Sure. Although, her mugshot is also on the New York Post, which I guess is the Gossip Girl for Grown-ups. I am just saying that it is a little beside the point to get mad at a gossip blog when that same gossip is on the front page of basically the most important newspaper in the world. Speaking of gossip, Serena tells Blair that Chuck loves her. Oh good. This will be fun.

At the graduation ceremony, Nate apologizes to Vanessa for how he treated her, which ought to cover it. All he really did was bail on their summer plans, dump her, start dating Blair again, and ask Blair to move in with him. I’m not even sure what he’s apologizing for. Meanwhile, Dan’s name was left off of the graduation program. Lots Of Love. Luckily he already graduated from the School Of Perfect Facial Expressions.

But before everyone can graduate, Gossip Girl sends out another blast! Just when they thought they were out, Gossip Girl blasts them back in! She calls Nate a whore, which is funny, and then everything else is pretty by the book. Chuck is a coward, Blair is weak, Serena is officially irrelevant. Dan is the ultimate insider? OK, Dan is clearly Gossip Girl, because that is the only way he got some vaguely complimentary diss. It should have been, like, Dan is the ultimate worstsider. This guy knows.

Total adult doing adult stuff. Also what is THIS?

Everyone else has a graduation cap on, you special fucking snowflake. Show some respect.

Everyone freaks out. Nate tries to do “damage control,” and goes to tell Grandfather about his affair with the Duchess. You know, just a typical conversation between a high school senior and his grandfather on graduation day. Despite the fact that literally five minutes ago Serena was talking about how she couldn’t wait to leave her high school life behind her and be done with Gossip Girl forever, she is so mad at being called irrelevant. YA BURNT. She decides that it is time to unmask Gossip Girl! Really? Because it seems like there were a ton of other times where it was time to unmask Gossip Girl. Anyway, the Encyclopedias Brown get together and devise a master plan. If Chuck distracts everyone at the graduation brunch while Serena texts Gossip Girl, then whoever’s phone rings is Gossip Girl! That’s it? It took five seconds to figure out how to unmask Gossip Girl? They should have done this years ago. Exactly two years ago. A phone rings. It is Jonathan, Eric Van Der Woodsen’s boyfriend! He is Gossip Girl!

No he’s not. Of course he’s not. He just hacked into Gossip Girl’s mainframe over spring break and stole all her emails and also had her phone messages forwarded to his phone. Sure.

He just got his body temperature elevated to the temperature of Gossip Girl’s room, and evaded the motion detectors. Meanwhile, Jenny Humphrey is considering becoming Queen B next year so that there won’t be a Queen B next year. All she needs is the juiciest piece of gossip by midnight, and Gossip Girl’s emails just might have something. She tries to warn Blair, but Blair won’t listen. But also normally Blair chooses the Queen B? I’m sorry. I enjoy watching this show, and I am happy to share this journey with you, but as a 49-year-old man in need of two hip replacement surgeries, I refuse to understand this Queen B plotline. In any case, it doesn’t matter, because now that Serena has declared war on Gossip Girl, Gossip Girl fires back with ANOTHER BLAST at Nate’s party that is so DETONATED that it makes Jenny’s gossip irrelevant. It is basically a recap of the entire season minus a half-dozen Co-op Board Brunches. The big bombshell is supposed to be that we discover that Blair slept with Chuck’s Uncle Jack, but we already knew that basically, didn’t we? I just figured that since we were talking about a bunch of CHILDREN that we would have the DECENCY to leave some details UNSPOKEN. Although I suppose this was for the best because now Uncle Jack has to go to JAIL, right? Literally? “We’re gonna need a bigger transport van for all of the statuatory rapists.”

Serena tries to bluff by texting Gossip Girl and threatening to unmask her, because that’s a ploy that has to work. When you get a text from Serena it clearly means she is onto you (it clearly does not mean that, she is so dumb). She tells Gossip Girl to meet her at a bar at midnight, and she is surprised when Dan shows up. Dan is Gossip Girl? No wait, Blair is Gossip Girl? No wait, Jenny and Eric and Vanesa are Gossip Girl? Oh, I get it. WE ARE ALL GOSSIP GIRL.

And guess what, GOSSIP GIRL IS COMING WITH YOU TO COLLEGE. Perfect.

Anyway, Blair gives the Bejeweled Headband of Power to Jenny Humphrey, who then sits down for mimosas with the Mean Girls because she is now their queen? So I guess she didn’t eliminate the position so much as totally accept it and now those are her friends? Like I said, I refuse. Rufus and Lily steal pot from Chuck Bass’s room and smoke down on Rufus’s floor because they are both adults who care first and foremost about the well-being of their children.

Ugh. I don’t care about parents smoking pot when their kids aren’t around, but do they really have to steal it out of their kids’ rooms? Am I actually still enraged at the egregiously inappropriate behavior of Rufus and Lily this far into the show? No, they don’t, and Yes, I am. He finally proposes marriage and they are going to get married, and he even moves his waffle iron into the Van Der Woodsen penthouse and Eric is like “oh, I have been dreaming of this,” because of how the Van Der Woodsen’s could never afford a waffle iron?

Meanwhile, at NYU, Georgina is going to be roommates with Blair, and Rufus and Lily’s fake dead son is going to be roommates with Dan’s penis, and Nate is going to go to Europe with Vanessa after all, and Chuck tells Blair that he loves her, and Serena…wait a second…Serena is going to Fiji with fake-Chuck Bass Carter Baisen because her dad who we are told she has always been looking for is there? Come on, Gossip Girl. It’s not a cliffhanger if I didn’t even know it existed five minutes ago.

Have a great summer. See you next FAIL. Get it? You get it.

Comments (20)
  1. Did Vanessa and Georgina even graduate from some kind of school? What is this? “Hello, I’d like to enroll in NYU please. Thank you!”
    Serena(hah- that special fucking snowflake) and that goddamn tassle and her shipping off to Brown made me want to kill her. She will be the most annoying girl at college. Ever. Really, I want to know what her deal is. This has to be the poorly constructed character ever. Marissa Cooper had more depth.
    And how hilarious is it that Chuck got caught smoking hash at school, never attended but still managed to make it there for graduation and prom?
    The Good Parts:
    Dan saying that Chuck is a close talker.
    Dan’s(assumed) half brother flirting with him at the coffee shop. Seriously, he was this close to asking him to go on a Nate Archibald man date.
    Blair channeling Cyrus(“not enough!”)
    Leighton Meester’s acting making wonder why she’s on this show.
    And Blair and Chuck(and their love, love love), because I’m a 15 year old girl.

    • LOL at the “Nate Archibald man date” part. Maybe they could double with Marshall & Brad from HIMYM and go to brunch. I hear it’s quite lovely

      • bj  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +8

        We’re here, we’re hungry, get used to it, brunch!

        BTDubs, this eggs benedict is ridonkulous.

        I love that episode…

  2. Sneakers! Bahahaha!

  3. That special fucking snowflake’s boobage (side and front) was even more out of control than usual this time. But srsly, Chuck and Blair can basically rule the world already.

  4. How about when she’s like “Everyone, drinks are on me!” and then in like ten seconds there’s light music and everyone is dispersed and chitchatting and drinking. And they’re all like 17. Is this that underage speakeasy from SNL?

  5. I appreciated that “A week later…” they were all prepping to leave for college, because really, 10 minutes after graduation, you were packing the car too.

  6. So glad I chose to read these posts every week instead of actually watching. Also, take it from a current Brown student: Serena would last exactly 30 seconds here. Unfortunately, there actually are many Serenas at Brown, thanks to the Legacy policy.

    Maybe Serena and Summer can pledge one of the 2 sororities on campus?

    • sol  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 0

      Summer! How silly it is that I miss her?

      This show won’t survive The College Years, right? Shhh, sol, it won’t.

    • Apexa  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +3

      Hah I love how she and her mom were like “OMG U GOT N2 BROWN?!?!???” as if her last name didn’t tip off the admissions board. Same with Nate & Colombia.

  7. jacob  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +12

    I refuse to believe that Chuck: 1. Buys weed 2. Keeps it in his room in a brown paper bag and not in a diamond urn with beluga caviar to maintain the moisture. 3. Isn’t going to military school (WHAT?!) like it says he will in the book series that I just read on wikipedia.

    • No, as someone who accidentally read almost every Gossip Girl book(and will shortly be banned from videogum) I can tell you that Chuck is quite different from his literary(ha!) counterpart. In the book his two living, responsible parents sent him to military school because he was such as fuckup, and if I remember correctly he dropped out. He was also bisexual and had a tiny pet monkey(“Sweetie”) that came to high school with him. I wish I didn’t know that.

  8. This wasn’t even the silliest episode of the season, so I could appreciate that. But I have to agree with Jacob, Chuck is an Opium man and I doubt he accepts anything less.

  9. jim  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +1

    um you guys, the gossip girl theme song is on itunes. jesus h. christ!

  10. WTF was that ending to the poppy/whathisname storyline? georgina runs off after them in a cab, then 2 episodes later she’s just like “oh, you got your money back, peace!” Not that the writing on GG is usually A+ or anything, but that’s seriously one of the lamest things they’ve ever done.

    Chuck & Blair were cute though.

  11. Tiffani  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +2

    Julia, I guessing they’re going do the whole HIMYM thing where they tell you something happened but wont tell you what or how it happened until a billion episodes into the show. Just like the whole Santorini plot line that we were told (vaguely) about happened all the way in the beginning of season one but just now found out about in the last episode of season 2. WTF?

  12. Heather  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +7

    Thought the season finale was cute… audible gasp when Chuck said “I love you” because I’m lame like that.

    Annoying things: why in the hell didn’t Serena wear the hat?? WTF would possess someone to put the tassel in their HAIR?
    Blair’s eyeballs when trying to seduce Chuck. They appeared to be suffering from epilepsy.

    I love how stupid this show is. Between it and Lost being over, it’s gonna be a long summer… maybe I will catch up on Grey’s after all…

  13. Gigli  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +4

    I willingly suspended my disbelief for an entire hour until Georgina is at NYU requesting Blair as a roommate. I’ve only been to one college, but I assume they’re all the same – both roommates must request each other!! Foul!

  14. Let’s not forget about the pseudo-engagement of the lovers stoned.. what was it that our dear friend, Ye Olde Burnout, used to propose to Lily again? A piece of measuring tape, was it? Or did he just fashion a ring out of their stolen illegal vegetation (courtesy of Chuck the Schmuck)? Either way I’m sure Lilz will plan on wearing that little gem for a great many months to come until the wondrous horror of the wedding itself takes place.

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