Since Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy began, however long ago it was (I’m not going to look it up but if I had to guess based on blog-induced fatigue: 5,000 years?) you have not been able to boot up onto the ‘net without being hit with a barrage of rumors about her weight, her clothing, what city Kanye is in currently, and cetera. It’s such a fucking garbage dump on here! “Here’s a lady we know the name and face of because remember when she was in a sex tape, but does she weigh 20 pounds more than a source told us before? A SOURCE SAYS YES, BUT WHERE’S YE?” Save yourself, throw your computer out the window! Except, hold up — hold up just one second. What’s this? Could Kim Kardashian not be telling the truth about her due date? NOW THIS I GOTTA SEE. From Page Six, via Celebitchy:

Could Kim Kardashian not be telling the truth about her due date? The pregnant reality star said on the “Today” show in January that her and Kanye West’s bundle of joy is due in July, but sources tell us it’s actually earlier.

During a recent baby shower for fashion stylist Monica Rose at Bagatelle LA, Kim was overheard saying she’s due in mid-June. Could a delay announcing the birth give her a chance to enjoy private time with the newborn and lose some weight? Kim’s rep had no comment.

SO WHAT IS IT, KIM? IS IT MID-JUNE OR IS IT JULY? Obviously there is a lesson to be learned here about not selling your privacy to begin with, because at some point you’re going to want some of that privacy back and you probably won’t get it back until your public is done tearing it to shreads, but I think a more important lesson is that the world is an over-fed vampire that needs to fucking chill out in general and specifically chill out about the specifics of a woman’s pregnancy, and an even more important lesson is WHAT ELSE IS KIM KARDASHIAN LYING ABOUT?! Some guesses:

  • Moon landing
  • Beyonce’s pregnancy
  • Kurt Cobain’s murder
  • Acai Berries
  • Benefits of juice cleanses
  • Benefits of standing desks
  • Aliens
  • What the end of The Sopranos is supposed to mean
  • Having seen The Wire
  • Finishing Infinite Jest
  • Dan Harmon
  • Doing yoga
  • “Oh no, the text didn’t get sent”
  • “I’m just down the street.”
  • “They just left with your order.”
  • “It was the dog.”
  • “It was the chair.”
  • All sorts of stuff surrounding the Kennedys

LIIIAAAAAAARR!!

Comments (17)
  1. She cheated in the vag-sniffing competition.

    • I want to downvote this comment because it has led my imagination down a horrible trail trying to figure out how she could have cheated, but I’m not sure if I can really blame that on you.

    • My lunch just flew out of my mouth as I read this unexpected treat, Facetaco! Now, how to get broccoli bits out of a keyboard . . .

    • Brody. I can see what your saying… Gladys`s story is neat… last wednesday I got a brand new Chevrolet sincee geting a check for $6416 this-last/five weeks and in excess of 10/k last month. it’s definitly my favourite-work I have ever had. I began this 5 months ago and pretty much immediately made myself minimum $79.. per/hr. I went to this web-site,………. http://zapit.nu/37g

  2. When she said, “I’m not lying,” she was actually lying.

  3. Who actually wrote the plays traditionally attributed to Shakespeare.

  4. Here’s a lie about Kim Kardashian:
    She’s intelligent and contributes something to society!
    Here’s another:
    I care when her baby is born!

  5. “That is a great skirt. Where did you get it?”

  6. “You are worthy. You are wonderful. You love yourself.” The lies Kim Kardashian tells herself every day.

  7. Kelly–you are on your game today. This list is fab.

  8. I saw this show for the first time this weekend. I’m pretty sure the whole thing is a lie.

  9. I saw this show for the first time this weekend. I’m pretty sure the whole thing is a lie.

  10. Her mother is her sister.
    Ray J is her second cousin.
    She is not Armenian.
    Her butt is made of dried up Play-Doh left in the sun.
    Her butt is her conjoined twin.
    That is not a baby in there.

    This is a fun game.

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