Chris Brown exists. At this point we all have to resign ourselves to that fact. I suppose if you follow Brian Greene’s theory of the multi-verse, which posits that if space is infinite then if you travel far enough into its reaches there are an infinite number of identical planet Earths and identical Gabes and Videogums but with every possible permutation and variation you can imagine, then there are an infinite number of Earths out there where Chris Brown doesn’t exist. Everything else is exactly the same, this is the only difference. It’s a nice and comforting thought but it doesn’t change the fact that we are all here on this fucking Earth where he most certainly does exist. The only comfort is that for the most part he doesn’t talk, you know? He will draw the occasional picture of himself as Jesus on the cross, sure, but who doesn’t?! That is until he has a new album coming out, as he does right now, in which case he begins to make the rounds again, talking and opening that stupid fucking mouth of his. It’s like, dude, isn’t it bad enough that we have to know you exist without HEARING YOU EXPLAIN IT?! Anyway, if you’re smart, you should go read a magazine, or take a walk outside, or call your mom. But if you want to get, like, SO mad, then there are a couple new Chris Brown clips after the jump:

OH THANK GOD HE HAS LEARNED TO FORGIVE HIMSELF. Look, you know what? If we are the compassionate and thoughtful human beings that we claim to be, then we probably have to agree that it’s important for Chris Brown to find some kind of inner peace, and that one phase of this inner peace is a certain level of forgiveness as a step towards making amends and repairing relationships. It does no one any good for Chris Brown to spin out into cycles of self-loathing or abuse. But as if that is even a possibility. You know how Liberace paid for his boyfriend to get plastic surgery to look more like Liberace so that Liberace could finally fuck Liberace? (And if you don’t know about that, I am assuming it will feature prominently in the upcoming Steven Soderbergh biopic about the couple airing on HBO on May 26th, so you’ll know soon.) That is Chris Brown all over it. He would totally fuck himself if he could. Then he would probably get jealous of himself and punch himself in the face.

The point I’m trying to make is that I do not mind if Chris Brown forgives himself. I DO mind if he tells us about it. Keep your mouth shut you horrible monster! You 23-year-old GHOUL. Also keep your mouth shut about Frank Ocean, doctor doublemint!

Here he is on Hot 97 explaining to Angie Martinez about how his relationship with Rihanna truly is an inspirational love story and they should make a movie out of it:

OK, that one is on Angie Martinez. What are these questions she is asking him?! They are somehow softer than soft ball questions? They are, like, compliment ball questions? Again: if I’m going to be realistic about the world we live in, and I always try to be realistic you know that about me, then I have to acknowledge that Chris Brown is a famous performer with millions of fans who do not care about his disgusting past, and that for as long as Chris Brown is in a position to make corporations money with his creative output, they will continue to present him in as appealing of a light as they can, and we just have to accept that because he’s not the only one to benefit from this system. But yo! HOW ABOUT WE DON’T TREAT HIM LIKE RYAN GOSLING IN THE FUCKING NOTEBOOK OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS EVEN IS? Chris Brown and Rihanna are allowed to live their lives however they see fit, but it is particularly insulting and incredibly irresponsible for people around them to pretend like this is in any way something other than a depressing disaster.

In conclusion: shut up Chris Brown.

Comments (29)
  1. I can’t remember if it was Colbert or Conan who referred to North Korea as the Chris Brown of countries, but either way, that is correct.

    • If you think Wayne`s story is really great…, 1 weak-ago my aunt’s step son basically earnt $8955 grafting eighteen hours a week from there apartment and the’re classmate’s mother`s neighbour was doing this for 3 months and errned more than $8955 in there spare time at their computer. apply the instructions on this link……..

  2. Ok, Gabe, you deserve hazard pay right now. Also, there is no way I am watching any of those videos. Also also, here is something adorable as a sadness chaser.

  3. When Elvis Costello, by way of Nick Lowe, asked “What’s so funny about Peace, Love and Understanding,” little did he know the answer would be Chris Brown’s shirt.

  4. Let’s just not talk about this garbage creature any more.

    • His publicists must be really good at their jobs. But why didn’t all the shows/radio stations/etc just agree to not pay attention to him? He probably has some catchy songs, but there are probably thousands of kids who aren’t abusive that are just as talented. The damn morning chat shows latch on to every viral video about cats – they may as well focus their energies on making the next pop star.

  5. A less comforting thought: there is a universe out there in which Gabe uses Videogum to heap unending amounts of praise, tearful forgiveness and gracious understanding on Chris Brown.

  6. I really hate the cynicism and hypocrisy of the Matt Lauer bit (and others like it). I want to say, if you’re going to help him sell his records, just do it, spare us the disingenuous Dr. Phil say you’re sorry bullshit. But then I think that if they didn’t strike that pose, they would be delivering a worse message, i.e. a completely free pass. There’s no satisfying solution other than not inviting the guy onto the show.

    • Didn’t he smash one of their windows? I wouldn’t invite him back just for that.

    • I can’t watch these videos from work for some reason, but I saw Matt Lauer doing a “coming up” bit before the interview where he referenced Chris Brown’s “past” and Chris Brown started laughing. I don’t know enough about Chris Brown to know if it was possibly nervous laughter, but I didn’t get that impression.

      You are seriously going to chuckle when someone is clearly referencing you punching your girlfriend in the face?

      How is it possible that this guy has millions of fans and dollars?

      • Yeah, and also it’s always, “Are you going to do it again?” and never, “Are you going to batter a woman again?” OK, let’s revisit the…the kerfuffle, we’ll call it.

    • I hated it because it was so obviously pre-massaged by his handlers.

      CB’s People: “They are going to ask you some tough questions (poster’s note: LOLOLOL) and just stay calm and tell your story because you’re beautiful baby.”

      CB: “I got this, you know, cuz I’m pahzitive and beautiful.”

      ML: “Look at all the money we have!”

  7. I’m sure one day there will be a movie about his relationship with Rihanna, but it will be a cautionary tale on Lifetime.

  8. First of all, it’s super annoying how he cannot complete ONE sentence. He just talks in circles about vague things and then sort of trails off.

    But the most infuriating thing is how he talks about ‘losing everything’, and then his struggle to ‘gain it back’. Is he referring to that one day where he had to pick up trash in a park for five minutes? Because other than that he’s been consistently rich and famous and selling millions of albums for his entire adult life, when in actuality he should probably be in jail. I would like some clarification on what he thinks he ‘lost’ at some point.

    I hope he gets hit by a bus.

  9. Maybe we could just stop talking about him?

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