There are few crimes more horrific or upsetting than PIZZA RELATED crimes. What is the world even coming to when our pizzas and their noble deliverers are not safe?! And yet, even though we must be aghast when they occur, you do have to give credit where credit is due to the master criminals when they pull off perfect heists. For example, when three men work in carefully organized tandem in order to rob a Papa John’s delivery man of 26 dollars and an order of chicken wings. WHOA, LOOK OUT KAIZER SOZE, IT LOOKS LIKE ARE SOME EVEN MORE USUAL SUSPECTS IN TOWN. Can you even imagine the adrenaline thrill this gang of Ocean’s 3 must have felt when they got Papa John right where it hurt the most? Of course, all crimes, even the most perfect crimes, are often thwarted by an unforeseen weakness. For Robert DeNiro in the movie Heat, it was abandoning his life-long rule of never falling in love. For this gang of Sean Connery’s in the movie Entrapment, it was the TRAIL OF RANCH DRESSING THAT LEAD POLICE RIGHT TO THEM. But I mean Jesus Christ it’s hard to think of every detail, you know? That’s what makes crime so hard. You have to make sure not to leave ANY trails of RANCH DRESSING that will lead police right to you, but not leaving TRAILS OF RANCH DRESSING THAT LEAD THE POLICE RIGHT TO YOU is a lot harder than it seems. Clearly.

The worst part is that this was supposed to be their final heist! They were all going to retire to a beach somewhere and live off of the three-way split of 26 dollars and an order of chicken wings. FUCK DA POLICE! FUCK DA DELICIOUS DRESSING! (Thanks for the tip, Megan.)

Comments (15)
  1. This was beautifully written, Gabe.

    Also, this was my tip! I am available to sign any and all autographs and answer questions about
    South Alabama, the home of perfect pizza heists and the Mobile leprechaun.

  2. It even says on the Papa John’s commercials that drivers carry less than $20. I know that because I get a little nervous when a pizza delivery commercial has fine print.

  3. I thought the dramatic recreation of the man sitting on the steps really added to the piece.

    • I couldn’t watch the video but after reading this comment, I immediately thought of that scene from Broadcast News where William Hurts’ character adds that scene of a tearing rolling down his face. That was a great scene. “It’s called showbiz!” -someone in the back

  4. Good post Gabe, would read again.

  5. These turkeys really bleu it.

  6. At the description of the thieves running with chicken, I immediately thought of this:

  7. just before I looked at the draft 4 $7904, I did not believe …that…my best friend realie making money in there spare time at their computer.. there great aunt had bean doing this for only about twenty three months and as of now repayed the mortgage on their appartment and bought Lotus Elan. we looked here……..

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