Kelly: Hey, Gabe!
Gabe: hey kelly
Kelly: How’s it going
Gabe: great
Kelly: That’s good!
Gabe: i don’t know if you know this, but my people escaped egypt
Gabe: so we’ve got that going for us
Gabe: still riding that wave
Kelly: That’s really really good.
Gabe: how are you?
Kelly: I’m fine
Kelly: I mean, nothing like your thing
Kelly: But definitely fine
Gabe: right, just going to church and waiting for heaven
Kelly: Right
Kelly: Jesus rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven so my mom’s going to bring me some candy this weekend
Kelly: That’ll be nice
Kelly: DID YOU HEAR CHANNING TATUM WOULD HAVE SEX WITH GEORGE CLOONEY?!
Gabe: wait
Gabe: IS THERE SOMEONE WHO WOULDN’T HAVE SEX WITH GEORGE CLOONEY?

Kelly: Only his immediate family members
Kelly: (I HOPE)
Gabe: i’ve seen magic mike, and i’m pretty sure channing tatum would have sex with anything
Gabe: you know how sometimes people will talk about someone who will have sex with anything that moves?
Gabe: i don’t feel like the “moves” part is that important to channing tatum
Gabe: he just is really good at sex, it looks like
Gabe: he can’t be tied down
Gabe: by the limitations
Gabe: of the other person/inanimate object/floor
Kelly: hahaha
Kelly: I wonder how HIS WIFE would feel about you saying that.
Gabe: she knows what i’m talking about
Gabe: the one person in this world who def knows what i’m talking about
Gabe: is jenna dewan
Kelly: I guess you’re right
Gabe: she’s like “yeah, no, i know, i’m married to him, i know all about it.”
Kelly: “He will have sex with anything.”
Gabe: i was about to say that it is funny
Gabe: how the supreme court is considering the legal arguments surrounding gay marriage this week
Gabe: and yet we are still at a place culturally
Gabe: where a casually tossed off red carpet interview joke
Gabe: about two men having sex becomes big celebrity gossip news
Gabe: but actually, i think if, like, Anne Hathaway said she wanted to have sex with Jennifer Lawrence
Gabe: people would talk about that too
Gabe: if anything, i think it just shows that none of the gay stuff would even be that big of an issue
Gabe: if everyone was just more physically attractive
Kelly: hahah right
Gabe: people like to imagine pretty people having sex with each other

Kelly: Yes. It is I think for sure less of a “heterosexual man says he’d have sex with another man” thing
Kelly: Than it is a “OMG OMG OMG YES DO IT” thing
Gabe: right
Gabe: you know those
Gabe: “oMG OMG OMG YES DO IT” things
Gabe: classic things
Kelly: Yeah
Kelly: Like if Dan Harmon thought about writing a Parks and Recreation episode or if Jack Handey finally got on Twitter
Gabe: hahhahhahahhahhahaahahahah
Gabe: but were also gay
Kelly: right
Kelly: But were also gay and very handsome
Gabe: like, if Jack Handey got on Twitter to craft perfect one-liners about his budding homosexuality
Kelly: NOT THAT THEY AREN’T HANDSOME
Gabe: whoa, good save kelly
Kelly: phew!
Gabe: i will say that i like both channing tatum and george clooney as actors, and i would be totally happy to see them make love, i mean, not see it, but i would support them in their new life together
Gabe: but i cannot stand this huffington post link you sent me
Gabe: who wrote this?
Gabe: “Here’s a sex tape we’d all like to see: Channing Tatum and George Clooney.”
Gabe: all of us? would we all like to see that?
Kelly: Hahahah
Gabe: “Oh, that’ll never happen, right? Not so fast.”
Gabe: well, actually, yes, so fast, that will never happen
Gabe: what is even going on here?
Kelly: NOT SO FAST GABE!
Gabe: is this the first article about anything ever written? so we don’t know how information works?
Kelly: Listen, did or did not Channing Tatum joke that he would have sex with George Clooney?
Kelly: And do or do not sex tapes exist?
Kelly: Case closed
Gabe: Channing Tatum saucily refered to his admiration for fellow actor George Clooney on the red carpet for a movie premiere, how far behind can a SEX TAPE be?!
Gabe: YOU KNOW, THE SEX TAPE WE WOULD ALL LIKE TO SEE?
Kelly: “Think George Clooney and Channing Tatum will never raise a baby together? Not so fast.”
Gabe: hahahahhahah
Gabe: “They have both said in separate interviews that they like babies. You do the math.”
Kelly: haha ahhhhh
Gabe: not so fast
Gabe: hahahahah “not so fast” is very funny
Kelly: You know what happens when you ASSUME.
Gabe: when you assume, you make a sex tape with george clooney

Kelly: “Okay, so: Who’s going to start the opening bid for this sex tape?”
Kelly: Is how the article ends!
Kelly: Did you read that far?
Gabe: yes
Gabe: the thing about articles is that it’s fun to end them with something fun
Gabe: for the readers so we all have fun
Gabe: when i read that i was like haha that’s a good point who is going to start the opening bid at this imaginary auction for this impossible sex tape? this is fun!~
Gabe: i love to read and have fun and i love celebs
Kelly: I love sex tapes
Kelly: The comments from readers are very good.
Kelly: “Just changed my name to…..George Clooney.
Give me a call.”
Kelly: a+++++
Gabe: haha GIVE ME A CALL
Gabe: who? channing tatum?
Gabe: does the person who left that comment
Gabe: think that Channing Tatum WROTE the huffingtonpost article
Gabe: the ellipses is fun, though, adds some real suspense
Gabe: WHAT DID THEY CHANGE THEIR NAME TO?!
Kelly: hahahaha “I hope he says George Clooney I hope he says George—YES!” -Channing Tatum
Kelly: So I guess it’s time to place our bids, then?
Kelly: I bid $69.
Kelly: B-)
Gabe: hahhahahahahahha
Gabe: while your bid was perfect, i am afraid i have outbid you with my bid of $420
Kelly: Oh god damnit!
Kelly: Well, in any case, I can’t wait for the sex tape.
Gabe: none of us can

Comments (28)
  1. I applaud this coupling simply because their portmanteau would be Georning Tatooney.

  2. I would just like to say, for the record, I do not want to have sex with George Clooney.

    Now Facetaco…

  3. Three words: Magic Michael Clayton.

  4. Off topic guys! I need advice! I got invited to this girl’s birthday deal at a bar way the hell away from my house tonight. I don’t know her very well and she’s always been polite yet standoffish. I’m looking at an hour train ride there and back. Do I have to go?

    Also, Channing Tatum, while attractive, doesn’t do much for me, and Clooney is starting to look more and more like a Schnauzer. Maybe it’s the beard in that picture up top, I don’t know. So I guess I’m saying I would not buy that sex tape.

    • How often do you see said person? My gut instinct is to pass but if it’s been a while and there no alternatives in the near future, then maybe you should make the effort

    • Yeah, this is probably going to be it for a while…So I suppose I should put on real people clothes and be social. Damn.

    • I say no, you don’t have to go- the investment in effort sounds like it grossly outweighs the return on friendship. But i throw rocks at people that get too close to my hovel, so, grain of salt.

    • Historically, the nights I least want to go out and am supposed to be at the stupidest place the farthest away, often end up being the funnest nights. (It’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to experiencing miracles, along with finding the closest parking spot when there’s a suitcase.)

    • So update. Thank you for the peer pressure that forced me to go. It was fun and I got to hear someone sing “Poison” by Bel Biv Devoe. Magical.

    • This is obviously too late, but my standard practice is if I can get out of a social engagement, I will. Acquaintance, BFF, my own, it doesn’t matter. People are terrifying and books and tea are awesome.

      • This is obviously even more too late, but i know just what you mean and i am so excited to find someone that understands! I have a birthday party next week that i have almost canceled at least five times this week! Except i think books and tea openly mock my lack of knowledge on each of those subjects so i prefer the company of film and gin. i would invite you to do something alone together tonight, but i have plans to see some bands, one of which is not dumb and has a fellow Monster in it. I can’t even hermit right :(

  5. Just so you know, I’m bringing candy AND new socks. Happy Easter!

  6. This is probably my favorite chat in a while. Well done.

  7. I want to know who would actually direct said sex tape…. MICHAEL BAY?? (please be Micheal Bay).

  8. ” “Here’s a sex tape we’d all like to see: Channing Tatum and George Clooney.””

    Actually, I’d like to see that tape. I mean, I don’t want to see the video of them actually having sex, I’d just like to see the actual tape which contains the video, because I think it would be almost MORE noteworthy if it were actually filmed on tape, at least in this day in age.

  9. I like that they met because George Clooney’s girlfriend is friends with Channing Tatum’s wife. It’s funny because Clooney is old and his girlfriend and her friends are young.

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