Dear Bumbling California Burglary Suspect,

You don’t know who I am, but I know who you are. Uh-oh, did that sound creepy?? I’m not a creep, I swear!! LOL. I’m just a fan. Anyway so, how are you? I’m fine! Arrggh, “just get to it Kelly!” haahaha. Ok, ok. So I saw the video of you trying to break into the convenience store on a couple of websites today — it was on CBSNews and Buzzfeed and I’m sure it will be on Gawker soon, if it’s not there already (congrats!!) — and the way you did your burglar job that night really caught my eye. Your style is really cool and you seem super in control of your element, but like not too strict about it or whatever. You know? Like, you knew how to do a good burglar job but also how to have fun with it. I don’t want to sound like a dork or anything but like, I don’t know. Do you have a girlfriend? I love you. Love,

Kelly

MARRY ME. (Via CBS.)

Comments (17)
  1. There was also a video that Gawker linked where someone made this into a Benny Hill video. It’s pretty great. There was another funny video where a guy fails to do an “escalator helicopter,” not like I knew what that was before watching it. Lots of doofuses out there today.

  2. What’s in his pants?

  3. I love this love letter. I want to write sonnets to this love letter and name my vacation home after it.

  4. Benny Hill?

  5. “I thought we had something, Kelly.”

  6. Would ya wear those pants on a burglary outing? I’d save them for church.

  7. He reminds me of my professor in what I imagine are his housepants.

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