Have you guys been following the Great Jay Leno Monologue NBC Joke Feud of 2013? God, I hope you haven’t been. One downfall of having a job for which you have to closely follow the goings-on in pop culture is that you have to know all about stupid garbage like this, garbage that is just so stupid and I hate it so much. Hahah. What’s a downfall about your job? Just kidding, THERE’S NO TIME! To catch you up quickly, because again I hope you have no idea of what I’m talking about: Jay Leno, upset that NBC is planning a future without him, made a series of jokes at their expense. NBC exec Robert Greenblatt emailed him to ask him 2plz stop and instead of stopping he just did it more, and all of the jokes are just so dumb. He stopped for a few days, but he’s started again? Ugh, WHAT EVEN EVER. From his monologue last night, via Splitsider:

“Folks, listen to this. Monday night, the primetime shows The Voice and Revolution moved NBC to the number two position. You know what that means? Between Easter and Passover, this is truly the season of miracles. We’re number two!”

“I’ve been saying for the last week that NBC is a big number two.”

“T-Mobile announced yesterday they are doing away with contracts. Apparently they got the idea from NBC.”

Hahahaha, “I’ve been saying for the last week that NBC is a big number two.” That one’s good, I like that one. Get ‘em, Jay. BUT CLEARLY Jay Leno needs some of our help in crafting some more quality zingers against NBC. And if we can’t help our good friend Jay Leno write zingers for some murky network feud that none of his viewers have any stake in, what good are we? LET’S GET TO WORK!

  • I took a poop yesterday. Ah, I’m sorry, this is embarrassing — I mean, I took an NBC yesterday.
  • Hey, does anyone have a magnifying glass? I want to see where NBC’s RATINGS are.
  • Hey, you hear that some explorers found an empty tomb this week? Yeah, it was NBC’s head. No brain in there at all!
  • Lots of people have been changing their Facebook profile photos to those Human Rights Campaign equal signs this week, in support of marriage equality. Yeah, yeah. It’s much nicer than the the negative sign NBC changed its ratings profile picture to.
  • Lots of people are on unemployment these days. Does anyone know where you sign up for that? Just kidding, just kidding. But seriously. No, just kidding.

I love all of these jokes! Now it’s time to try your hand at some joke writing, if you want to !

Comments (38)
  1. Serious question: is the empty tomb part of that joke real? HAS THE ZOMBIE UPRISING BEGUN????

  2. Take my contract. Please!

  3. Hey, so I heard NBC’s no longer going to be graded on a curve. Seriously that’s what I heard, folks. From now on, they’re NBF. Right, Kevin?

  4. “You know what NBC stands for? Never Believe your Contract.” -Jay Leno, again.

  5. “Hey, Kevin, didya hear that in response from increased threats from North Korea, the U.S. has sent 2 of its B-2 Bombers to South Korea? They say if the threats continue to increase, their going to arm the planes with the biggest bombs they can find, episodes of NBC’s Smash!”

  6. You see we changed our rating to MA? Kev, you see this? Yeaaaa, we changed it to cater to Manure Audiences. Hha, cause that’s what we are here at NBC. We’re shit. Number 2.

  7. Folks, check this out. Have you heard this one before?
    Knock knock
    who’s there?
    Banana who?
    Knock knock
    who’s there?
    Banana who?
    Knock knock
    Who’s there?
    Banana who?
    Knock knock
    who’s there?
    NBC who?
    NBC stinks so much I’ll bet you wish I were still saying “Banana”

  8. Last night I saw a contract in my pajamas.

  9. I hope they’re shifting him out to make room for Conan…

  10. Why did the chicken cross the road? To watch CBS instead lolololol!

  11. Hey, here’s a guy who’s been in the news: Justin Timberlake released a new single called Suit and Tie. Looks like I’m not the only one picking out my clothes for NBC’s funeral.

  12. Vroom vroom! Gobble gobble (sounds of chewing on wet denim) VRRRROOOOOM.

  13. I can’t think of a funny one. Which, I guess, makes me like Jay Leno’s writers!

  14. So far all of these have been very good.

  15. Big changes coming to Jeopardy. They’re talking about a new host and removal of Double Jeopardy. Whoops, I’m confusing them with NBC trying to fire me from the same job twice!

  16. So I hear there’s a banking crisis in Cyprus. All their vaults must be filled with NBC’s ratings because there’s nothing in there!

  17. “So Monica Lewinsky is back in the news I think. She’s been known for GOING DOWN just like, say, the RATINGS OF THE NBC NETWORK. I’ve been here my whole life, folks.”

  18. So, ummm, Easter’s coming up, big holiday, Easter. So the,uh, national clergyman’s association has been putting out a message that we should stop focusing so much on hunting for eggs and more on what Easter’s really about… big hats like Aretha Franklin’s at the inauguration. No, no, I’m kidding, they say we should talk less about painted eggs and more about the resurrection of Christ. Which, well, they knew he came back when they rolled away the stone in front of his tomb and found… NBC’s ratings in there. Heh, heh, they made me really famous and beyond rich and I’m just totally ungrateful is what I’m really trying to say. I mean NBC made me rich, not the national clergyman’s association. I’d never heard of them before this.

  19. Jon Hamm is in the news. Did you hear about this, Kevin? Apparently he’s tired of everyone looking at his private parts. If he doesn’t want anyone to notice them, he should air them on NBC.

  20. So did you hear about this girl who had to have surgery for an extreme eye infection? Apparently they found a flesh-eating bacteria on her contact lens. But they also found her television set tuned to NBC, so I don’t know.

  21. Leno: NBC’s ratings have fallen so low…
    Audience: How low have they fallen?
    Leno: They’ve fallen so low that they’re replacing the peacock with the pigeon that keeps trying to steal food from the craft services table outside the studio.

  22. “I’m getting more mileage out of these NBC jokes than I would a single gallon of gas in any of my big dumb expensive cars that I have so many of! I’m so very rich! Feel sorry for me!”

  23. Leno: My chin is bigger than NBC’s ratings!

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