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Everyone has been affected by the economic crisis in some way*. People have watched their 401ks disappear. Homes been had foreclosed. And everyone knows someone who has been laid off. But at least the American hero at FEARnet who writes some of the sickest DVR menu descriptions in the game, is still hard at work. Which makes sense, dude is irreplaceable. You could not have another him in a second. Of course, times is tough, and these days he probably just feels lucky to have a job. If only he realized that his important work is touching tens, literally tens of people. That’s right, Videogum has upwards of 30 readers. Jealous?

After the jump, the genius FEARnet DVR description copywriter’s latest masterpieces.

Man, this guy is the best. He’s basically the Spalding Gray of DVR descriptions minus the suicide part. Just a natural storyteller. John Mahoney knows.

Today I want to rap to you guys about safe sex.

Give him the keys, John.

[APPLAUSE]

Previously: Whoever Writes The DVR Descriptions For FEARnet Is A Straight Genius, Son

*I’m a genius, and basically an economic theorist and social psychologist. Everything I say is incredibly smart and interesting and not boring and trite at all.

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Comments (29)
  1. Why yes, that is what I’m into!

  2. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  3. someone doesn’t have flat screen.

  4. How I would love to feel those keys on my gums.

  5. I would like to have that job for say, Lifetime Television for Women.

    “Do you like to see women fall in love with the wrong guy? And then marry him? And have his baby? And then get abused by him? And then leave him? And then get stalked by him? And then learn to FIGHT BACK, before being cruelly murdered by said-former husband? Then you’ll love EVERYTHING on our network!”

    Dream job, here I come!

    • Oh wait, isn’t that ‘Fighting for Custody of My Illegitimate Daughter’s Bastard Half-Brother Rape-Baby While I Die of Cancer in the Midst Planning my Domineering, Insecure Mother’s Second Marriage to a Dude I Slept With While I Was In Middle School that Gave Me Herpes?’

      I’ve seen it. Meh.

  6. Michael  |   Posted on May 14th, 2009 +6

    I have to go rent Dance of the Dead now!!

    • I’ve actually seen Dance of the Dead. Please go see it now. Then get back to me, and we’ll be best friends.

    • I totally own the DVD. Bought it for 50 cents when Circuit City stores were going out of business in Atlanta. That’s how I’ve been affected by the economic crisis!* A kid who went to high school with my baby brother is one of the stars, and I know some of the makeup guys.

      *Also, I’m now unemployed!

  7. I love that this has finally been pointed out. Also, I don’t see it here, but in the Comcast Guide there’s a star rating system. Who came up with that idea? Cause I don’t know anyone that watches movies/shows rated one star. I mean, why would you?

  8. Out of the Dark sounds like it is for me!

  9. This guy is my hero

  10. Jean  |   Posted on May 14th, 2009 +2

    The person who writes the I Love Money 2 episode summaries DREAMS of being this guy.

  11. Rachel  |   Posted on May 14th, 2009 +7

    “If that’s what your into” – Man…this was one apostrophe and e away from genius…

  12. Selena  |   Posted on May 14th, 2009 +4

    Dear DANCE OF THE DEAD, will you be my prom date?

  13. Pippeh  |   Posted on May 14th, 2009 +11

    I would like to think it’s a funny girl-type person writing these. Right guys? Funny ladies are hot. Even the ladies think so.

  14. (S)he wants so badly to include a “LOLZ!” in some of these.

    e.g., “Cher is the public defender assigned to the case — LOLZ!!”

  15. do you think he/she is on a salary or a piece-rate payscale?

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