BAD NEWS: The What Would Ryan Lochte Do? trailer is only available on Entertainment Weekly’s website (I have no idea why we did not get the exclusive trailer scoop, did the What Would Ryan Lochte Do? marketing team even READ ABOUT HOW EXCITED WE WERE?) so you’re going to have to go over there in order to watch it. Wah wah wah. GOOD NEWS: The trailer is absolutely so, so perfect, oh my god, you have no idea. Literally everything you could ever want in the trailer for Ryan Lochte’s new reality show. Please go over and watch it now and come back so we can talk about it. Did you do it? Are you back? YOU NEED TO WATCH IT, DON’T MESS AROUND. Now we can talk about all of our favorite parts, here are mine:

  • How he spends 100 minutes teaching us the proper way to say “jeah” and it’s not even about the pronunciation, rather it is about how loudly and quickly you say it. Because it’s boring otherwise!
  • Everything he says when he is talking about how he got into fashion and how everybody’s going to be a Ryan Lochte walking around in shoes or whatever.
  • The smile after he says “describe player.”
  • “YOU WAANA GO OUT TO DINN’R? I’LLL TREAT YOU.”
  • “Waaat’re you doing toomorrow night? Yoouu wannagoout to dinnn’r?”
  • How whenever he talks about wanting to find a soulmate it sounds like he has memorized the words from an audiotape and has forgotten where the pauses should go.
  • When he says “she liked my smile” and then gives a legit perfect smile.

A++++++, cannot wait 2 watch! JEAH!

Comments (15)
  1. Many years ago my best friend and I stopped at this weird restaurant on Sunset. It was themed like an old timey Western saloon / prospector place, but the fake dudes climbing up the building walls were super odd-looking so we weren’t totally sure what the they were supposed to be. So we asked our cute waiter if they were supposed to be prospectors and got the blankest stare you can imagine. Later he came back and said that his manager said that they were supposed to be gold panners. As he was out of earshot, my best friend said, “well, at least he’s pretty.”

    Ryan Lochte is not pretty enough to be *this* dumb.

    • I just keep thinking of the editors that had to go through all the footage of dead stares and dumbfounded expression and overlay generic beats to make the show move faster. I bet editing 30 seconds of promo time felt like 30 years… just from the awkward pauses.

    • “Ryan Lochte is not pretty enough to be *this* dumb.”

      We can agree to disagree.

  2. I love everything about this and I will watch every single episode. He is the golden retriever puppy of people.

  3. What’s great is there is one second of this that is actually interesting and not a walking punchline—where he talks about what winning his first gold was like. Because this guy devoted his life—all of his focus and energy—to something very difficult, which is outside of the average person’s scope of understanding. It would be really interesting to hear a non-cliched description of what that journey feels like, and to get a look inside the world of his training. There are a lot of things that he is not a dumdum about, or he wouldn’t have accomplished everything has athletically.
    Instead we get the story of everything he is a dumdum about (probably most things!) and that’s sort of too bad.
    I don’t feel bad for him, let me make that clear. And I wasn’t kidding when I said I would definitely watch this. I just wish they hadn’t reminded me that he’s also a real person with some interesting characteristics; it muddles up the comedy.

  4. This show doesn’t feel staged at all! Can’t wait!

    On another note, one time I was on a streetcar (because Toronto) and someone kept on saying into his cellular device “jeah, jeah, jeah, I got you, bro” or “JEAH CAN’T WAIT” and I wanted to jump out of the window. That word is the worst.

    • I was really surprised by the pronunciation, actually! This whole time I’ve just assumed it rhymed with “yeah” or “ya” (ie, one syllable). So illuminating.

  5. I’ve been mispronouncing ‘jeah’ since the summer Olympics apparently. Not that I use the word conversationally, but now I feel dumber than Ryan Lochte.

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