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By the end of last night’s FIRST HOUR of the LEGENDARY TWO-PART The Real Housewives of New York Reunion episode, I felt like I had just undergone some kind of Abu Grhaibian torture session. I’m not saying that watching a low budget talk show about a reality show in which petty monsters of self-deceit have sniping fights about who said what on their blogs is the same as the very real anti-human atrocities that occurred in Abu Ghraib for which all of America should probably go to jail and the blood of which will take decades to scrub from our collective hands, I’m just saying it is like that. This guy knows what I’m talking about (oof, sorry). And while it is impressive (there has to be a better word for what this is) that the taping took a record breaking seven hours to complete, just like how Vietnam took seven hours, I’m not sure we actually need a second hour of this shit.

Anyway.

The biggest surprise of the evening was that the Cuntess came out on top. She was poised, mostly correct in her judgments, stayed out of the fray for the most part, and took her licks. When the host, Andy “I have no idea why I haven’t killed myself, but I’m definitely a cutter” Cohen explained that one viewer had nominated LuAnn for this year’s Who Gives A Shit About Your Title, We Live in the 21st Century Award (ZIIIIIING!), she laughed it off. Good for her. I’m upgrading her to a Do Not Buy. Jill continues to be a spokesperson for the American economy for some reason. And Alex rightfully calls Bethenny out on her shit, which in now way detracts from Bethenny being the BetheBEST. Meanwhile, Ramona keeps her cool and lets everything “slide over her head” because she was abused as a child? I do not want to denigrate or minimalize the horrible and lasting effects of abuse, and I genuinely hope that Ramona has found a way to extricate herself from that lifelong psychological nightmare, but I’m not sure that child abuse really explains why she is so chill. Although it might explain why she treats everyone like an asshole and constantly gets into fights with them. In any case, things are constantly sliding over Ramona’s head, that is for sure.

But the real winner of the night/season/world is Kelly KILLOREN Bensimon, who is just a masterful storyteller and a professional question answerer.

She got married when she was very young, which is why she only touches people when she has to, and she’s been building this name since she’s a kid OK, she’s been building this name since she’s a kid and you don’t know her very well, and no one asks her about the thing that she doesn’t want to talk about, and obviously you think that it’s great that her name is in the paper but not to her, which is why she rests her case. I wish Kelly Killoren Bensimon was my lawyer. My favorite part is the end with all the grass isn’t always greener stuff (no matter how much fertilizer you have?). Because she seems to be under the impression that everyone thinks she’s living on the green side of the fence. Whoops, opposites! No one wants to be you, Kelly Bensimon. Everyone recognizes that you and your life are complete disasters. In the case of Kelly Bensimon, the grass is always deluded vagina dentata-er.

And so, we end the season where we began, with petty in-fighting and world-annihilating delusions of self-importance. There are a couple more books on the shelves, the Count who was never there is more not there than ever, and Jill has a new handbag, but otherwise the world of the Housewives is one of total stasis. Total screaming, scratching, terrifyingly dissatisfied stasis.

Bethenny got it right.

Boom goes the brainamite.

Comments (28)
  1. awww.. no gifs? no simon?

  2. As someone who lives in Brooklyn, I’m more comforted than I am distraught that Ramona said, “I DON’T WANT TO EAT IN BROOKLYN!”

  3. I laughed so hard:

    Kelly: “So for those who think the grass is always greener…it’s not. No matter HOW MUCH fertilizer you have.”
    Luann: “…..Well he’s definitely not a gentleman.”

    TYPICAL

    • Kenneth  |   Posted on May 13th, 2009 -1

      I KNOW! I thought that was probably the funniest thing I have heard in a while. Too perfect. I wish I wrote that.

    • Viewer  |   Posted on May 15th, 2009 0

      YESSSSSSSSSSSS, I was ROTFLMAO at Luan saying, “Well he’s definetly not a gentlemen.” in her signature Countess tone after the camera pans to Jill, Bethanny, & Luan with their confused looks and sitting silently in response to Kellys comment.

  4. Rachel  |   Posted on May 13th, 2009 +8

    I actually thought it was pretty close whether the Countess or Alex came out on top. Also, no longer having to have sex with her old-man husband seems to agree with the Countess…did she not look gorgeous last night?
    Oh…and after this shit show…I was way too wiped to even give New Jersey a try. Did anyone have the guts?

    • I considered it, but decided against it because they seem like the most unbearable of all housewives. And they keep playing clips that make me think they’re going to try to fabricate a pseudo-Sopranos bend (get it? Because New Jersey?) which I just can’t tolerate. There is only so much contrived, indulgent quasireality I can take on one channel!

    • I did. They all scare me. I’m pretty sure someone is going to get beat up before the season is over.

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  6. I thought Ramona’s head was going to explode during one of her 50 or so I’M TALKING OVER YOU TALKING OVER ME rants.

  7. Ivan Idea  |   Posted on May 13th, 2009 +3

    Bethenny was the only good thing about this show.

  8. Wait. Are you not going to follow The Real Housewives of NJ? Because I have never watched a Real Housewives of any location before, but I did watch NJ last night so that I could follow this recap. Please don’t make that hour of my life completely worthless.

  9. they should do a remake of fatal attraction with Kelly Killoren Bensimon as Michael Douglas but instead of boiling bunnies and terrorizing your family it should just be “deleting my facebooks.”

    • Hahaha, yeah and the other thing is, you can’t even delete your facebook. You literally just click on a link in your email and it’s all back there like it was. TRAUMA.

  10. HAHA THANKS FOR THE INSIGHT, COUNTESS.

  11. Hey Kelly, “berating me with emails” makes no sense. Word you’re looking for: inundated.

    Also: I don’t see what getting married young or being married for 10 years has to do with why you (allegedly) hit your most recent boyfriend?

    It’s completely unnerving how much she doesn’t make sense. How is it possible to be this consistent with being illogical? Mario needs to make her a new award.

    • i think her brain was actually probably searching for ‘barraged’. bethenny calls her a piece of shit next time. i wish someone was ‘berating’ her with bullets. wait, i mean barraging.

  12. I loved the fact that every time anyone mentioned verbal/physical abuse it was all “You’re beautiful. You’re a survivor” and then 2 minutes later it was a zing-fest. The DisCountess (love that!) actually came off pretty good, as did Alex. Jill, not so much. Ramona & Kelly’s insanity/stupidity was mesmerizing. As always, Bethanny was awesome. Part 2 looks AWESOME.

  13. madfishes  |   Posted on May 14th, 2009 0

    yes, PLEASE do recaps of new jersey. im going to need to watch it so the only way i can be ok with that is if i read your recaps. PLEASE.

  14. How ridiculous is it that NO ONE is bringing up the fact that Bethenny said her boobs were real? All she got was a lift? Please, who the f*** does she think she’s kidding?

    Kelly is an absolute train wreck. She strikes me as either a current or former big time drug addict. She’s always sweating, she never makes any sense, she can’t remember things that happened yesterday much less months ago, something is up with her, and it is not just general stupidity. She is most definitely stupid, but she is also into some bad sh*t. How come no one asks her how much she spends on nannies for her kids considering she goes out every damn night it seems? And she never answered Bethenny’s question asking why Kelly’s altercation was never on the show. Kelly said hold on she was getting to it but never got to it.

    The Countess does look great, but in person she is so damn skinny. In the first season I thought she came across the best, in the second season I began to despise her but she sort of redeemed herself by continually questioning comments made by kelly that were ridiculous.

    Ramona is a freako, straight up. Certified nutbag.

    Jill is just a dumb Jewess. It’s okay, I’m a Jew. She is such a typical New York yenta who never had to work a day in her life. She adds nothing to nothing.

    Alex is nothing without Simon.

    Bethenny is a moron who is occasionally funny. She is just so pathetic that it is sometimes hard to watch her. I love how she says she is dating around but there is someone special. Huh? Hey Bethenny, here’s a clue, if there’s a guy you really like, how about you guys try to be a little committed to each other? I know, you’re scared you’ll be rejected and hurt again. Bethenny is never going to get what she desires in lie because she is scary, and her strong personality will only attract total wimps, and she doesn’t like dudes like that. Plus, she is getting old. She’s done a better job covering up her balding issues, but she is still going bald, and badly. I feel bad for her.

  15. sybil  |   Posted on Jul 14th, 2009 0

    all of the housewives CA, Atlanta, New York NJ
    THEY ALL DRESS LIKE cheap whores.
    What stores do these women and or designer do they use? The women in Atlanta lookl tacky – which is not a surprise they look a lot like the women from CA?

    Awful awful looking clothes.
    looking at these women is like watching a train wreck.
    Money and class hmmm the majority of them have neither.
    People with money who live in NY would never beon this show.
    loosers
    The NJ women are interesting int hat the older lady said there are not mob connections
    Yeah right

  16. sybil  |   Posted on Jul 14th, 2009 0

    all of the housewives CA, Atlanta, New York NJ
    THEY ALL DRESS LIKE cheap whores.
    What stores do these women and or designer do they use? The women in Atlanta lookl tacky – which is not a surprise they look a lot like the women from CA?

    Awful awful looking clothes.
    looking at these women is like watching a train wreck.
    Money and class hmmm the majority of them have neither.
    People with money who live in NY would never beon this show.
    loosers
    The NJ women are interesting int hat the older lady said there are not mob connections
    Yeah right

  17. sybil  |   Posted on Jul 14th, 2009 0

    all of the housewives CA, Atlanta, New York NJ
    THEY ALL DRESS LIKE cheap whores.
    What stores do these women and or designer do they use? The women in Atlanta lookl tacky – which is not a surprise they look a lot like the women from CA?

    Awful awful looking clothes.
    looking at these women is like watching a train wreck.
    Money and class hmmm the majority of them have neither.
    People with money who live in NY would never beon this show.
    loosers
    The NJ women are interesting int hat the older lady said there are not mob connections
    Yeah right

  18. sybil  |   Posted on Jul 14th, 2009 0

    all of the housewives CA, Atlanta, New York NJ
    THEY ALL DRESS LIKE cheap whores.
    What stores do these women and or designer do they use? The women in Atlanta lookl tacky – which is not a surprise they look a lot like the women from CA?

    Awful awful looking clothes.
    looking at these women is like watching a train wreck.
    Money and class hmmm the majority of them have neither.
    People with money who live in NY would never be on this show.
    loosers
    The NJ women are interesting in that the older lady said there are not mob connections
    Yeah right

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