There is an interview with Ashton Kutcher in the latest issue of Elle magazine, because if there is one thing that the women of America want it is to hear what Ashton thinks about the process of acting! He mostly talks about how he wants to keep things in his private life private, which makes for a fun read. “Oh! He has boundaries? Neat. Let me keep reading him talk about how he’s going to respect those boundaries.” Magazines, you guys. It’s crazy that people talk about print dying because as far as I can tell print is PERFECT. Anyway, interviews are pretty whatever in general because as far as I know my landlord does not accept half-funny anecdotes I read in interviews as rent payment, but Ashton Kutcher did say one thing I found pretty disturbing:

As for Kutcher, he says he’s learned to use people’s low expectations to his advantage. “People fill in the blanks really fast. They go, ‘Oh my God, he’s on a show and [plays] stupid, so he must be stupid.’ I can’t control that, nor do I try to, nor do I want to. There’s something advantageous about having people underestimate your intellect, insomuch as a lot of things are revealed to you. They assume you don’t know what you’re talking about, then all of a sudden, you do. And the next thing you know, you have information you wouldn’t normally have.”

He’s been some kind of idiot sleeper cell this whole time?! He plays dumb on television in order to collect information? ON WHOM? AND TO DO WHAT WITH? This is very unsettling. I do not like this at all. Is this what The Americans is about? This is probably what The Americans is about. PLEASE BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU ARE TALKING TO ASHTON KUTCHER, EVERYBODY. WE DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH INFORMATION TO AIRLIFT HIM TO A BLACK SITE BUT WE HAVE SERIOUS SUSPICIONS ABOUT HIS ACTIVITY IN THIS COUNTRY AND AS A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY WE ASK EVERYONE TO STOP TALKING TO HIM EVEN IF, NO, ESPECIALLY IF YOU THINK HE’S DUMB.

Comments (45)
  1. I wonder if he’s smart enough to get the irony of misusing the smart-sounding word “insomuch” in a paragraph explaining how smart you are?

  2. I always thought there was a nefarious reason I couldn’t really tell him and Josh Hartnett apart, aside from be being out of the cool stuff loop!

  3. It would be awesome if he thought everyone thought he was deaf so then he could STFU and just use sign language.

  4. Ashton Kutcher went to University of Iowa and was planning on majoring in biochemistry until he was stopped at a mall (though other stories have him being stopped at The Airliner in Iowa City) and asked to enter a modeling competition and he beat Josh Duchamel in some kind of Midwestern plains modeling competition in the 90s. Also, he’s a few years older than me and is a big liar from lying town, USA because he says he just turned 35. Nope. YOU ARE A LIAR, ASHTON KUTCHER. A BIG LIAR.

    Also, the University of Iowa was the only school that didn’t accept James Franco’s application for an MFA. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

    • Ashton Kutcher’s mom lives in the same town as my grandmother and my grandmother used to love to drive me by her house because she thought I was a super huge fan because I knew who he was. I love my grandma, you guys!

      badideajeans, to what MFA program did he apply at Iowa?

      • Writer’s Workshop… Creative Nonfiction, I think?? My friend was doing the MFA in poetry the year he applied and texted her friend with the message “I JUST SAW THE HOTTEST GUY ON CAMPUS!” and then her friend texted back “James Franco is visiting campus to look at the Writer’s Workshop” and my friend wrote “Who?” and her friend wrote “The actor you just saw on campus… the hot guy.”

        Hippies, man. Hippies.

        I really liked Iowa City. We would go there to hit up Prairie Lights and see first-run movies and eat Indian food. We started calling it Capitol City: The Windy Apple because we were college kids in the 90s and could only communicate through Simpsons quotes.

        • Let’s talk about Iowa! I once spent a very pleasant Spring Break in the Quad Cities (my roommate at the time was from Bettendorf) and it was literally the most fun ever, even though it snowed. Then, when the roommate got married, we all went back. Ate ice cream at Whitey’s. Drove out to the World’s Largest Truck Stop. Watched some boats on the Mississippi. Iowa: Flanny’s Vacation Paradise.

          • Iowa is so pretty! I went to the tulip festival in Pella once. Summer in Iowa is magical. I never spent a full summer there, but I’d visit on long weekends and have *so* much fun.

          • As a Minnesotan, I object.

          • LBT, we are all Midwesterners (I am transplanted, but hoping to go back). We need to band together against the Coasters and prove we’re more than flyover country, dammit! (Except those weirdos in Ohio. JK (not really).)

          • Fall is my favorite season in Iowa. Also Spring.

            Also I cringe every time people use the phrase “flyover country”…the phrase gets me all stabby. (not you, flanny, i mean people who use it earnestly)

          • I agree completely, I just am afraid I will be asked to leave Minnesota if I don’t take every available opportunity to insult Iowa.

          • Truck, just last week one of my bosses was talking about how some family from Michigan (my homeland) had come to Boston and they were excited to see the ocean because, can you believe it, the kids had never seen the ocean before! LOL, what rubes! And I got all red in the face and said, “IT’S BECAUSE WE HAVE GREAT LAKES! FIVE OF THEM! AND YOU CAN SWIM IN THEM AND NOT CHOKE ON SALT!” I get a little too defensive of the Midwest. Sometimes all I want it to drink a pop and eat some deep-dish pizza. Sometimes that’s all I want.

          • Yeah, flanny, I get really defensive about it too… and pretty often it comes up in a political context and then I get REALLY defensive and have to remind people that Iowa legalized gay marriage before New York did (before a lot of states). But mostly I just don’t like people assuming that the state has nothing to offer or that it’s boring or that they know what they’re going to get there. That said, The Onion’s article about fashion week in Iowa was almost definitely written by someone who has lived there…

        • Yeah, the Writer’s Workshop is pretty much impossible to get into…I worked in the admissions office and you would seriously not believe how many applicants they got and then they only take a tiny amount of people. So your friend must be very awesome and he should be very proud to have gotten in.

          Also I love Iowa City too…I went to college there and my brother lives there so we go back a couple times a year. It’s such an awesome place!

          • She is great… but an MFA in poetry is not something that I think she’d recommend other people pursue if they want to do stuff like… eat. I considered the program (non-fiction) until I remembered my “in” to the program (the former director LOVED my writing) had just died, that I’m allergic to everything that blooms in that state (seriously, fall was like hell for me, albeit a very pretty hell), the people from my college who weren’t my friend who did the program were SO pretentious and just the fucking worst, and the Midwest makes me very very very depressed.

            Iowa is very pretty, though. I mean, when you’re not puffy from face hives and dealing with 18 concurrent sinus infections. Minnesota is pretty too. And parts of Wisconsin. Illinois, though? Ugh. The worst. Especially Chicago.

          • Yeah I look a bunch of creative writing classes as an undergrad because why not and writing can always get better, but honestly trying to imagine the next steps after you get an MFA in poetry (or fiction) is pretty daunting. Granted, there’s not another program that is that prestigious but still…your work has to speak for itself and even then selling books of poetry is such a tough field (I’m guessing? Maybe it’s really easy?)

    • “planning on majoring in biochemistry” is basically like saying you’re in pre-law, though, right? Anyone can get into first-year general sciences.

      • I think he was into his third year??? when he was discovered. The stories conflict kind of beautifully as he is trying to pass himself off as someone 4-5 years younger than he really is. Lots of shady glossing over of his high school and college photos in the “before they were famous” show on MTV or VH1 because the images are soooo indicative of 1992-1993 Midwest fashion, when the narrator was saying it was really 1996 when he got discovered (which is true, but I think he was a junior and not a freshman?). My friend was in his class or knew him in high school and I think that friend is pushing 40. It might have been 1995 because of a story from a different friend who was in the same competition but a different year. I kind of stopped paying attention but it always kind of makes me chuckle because YOU CAN’T FOOL ME, BUDDY.

  5. “Hey you played, Kelso on That 70′s Show. You must really be dumb. Boy, you’re so dumb, I’m going to go right ahead and tell you my ATM pin number, the security code to my house and the particular kinks my hot young wife has that I refuse to acknowledge or service. Ha HA! Dummy.” — A scenario in Ashton Kutcher’s head.

  6. I imagine the biggest secret people keep from Ashton Kutcher is how much disdain they have for him.

  7. Fact: anyone who is actually intelligent does not need to tell people how intelligent they are. Which Ashton Kutcher claims to do, but also he said all this stuff in this interview sooooo……

  8. I mean to be fair I think he’s saying, “People think I have the comprehension of a small child,” and he is an adult man. So the advantageous information is probably like, the location of the keys to the liquor cabinet. We are all safe.

  9. Perhaps because of this article’s proximity to the one about Mr. Day-Lewis and his multiple personae, it strikes me that when an actor of Mr. Kutcher’s undoubted ability immerses himself in a character such as the Buffoon, or the Nitwit, for as long as he has done, he is in danger of having his own attributes permanently replaced by those of the fictitious persona he has adopted. Mr. Day-Lewis seems to avoid this peril by never allowing any phantasm to inhabit his body for long enough to cause lasting damage. While it could very well be that Mr. Kutcher is not as strict in his adherence to a single identity as Mr. Day-Lewis, and in private moments he allows his true abilities to unfurl from him like a majestic cape, that lack of dedication seems beneath a craftsman of his stature. I fear for him, my friends. His own genius could be his undoing.

  10. Does this mean someone finally told him where his car is?

  11. They don’t call me Ashton “Information Magician” Kutcher for nothin.

  12. All I know is that weird overalls photo is going to give me nightmares.

  13. Kutcher Söze

  14. If you think Melissa`s story is inconceivable…, last pay cheque my auntie’s best friend also earnt $9990 workin eighteen hours a week from their apartment and the’re friend’s aunt`s neighbour has done this for seven months and got paid more than $9990 in there spare time from a pc. the guidelines on this page………. BIT40. ℂom

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