Perfect Crimes are a bit tricky sometimes. Sure “falling asleep on a plate of french fries” sounds like the perfect crime, but then when you learn a bit more about it…maybe it’s not so much the perfect crime? Like when you get an e-mail from Urban Outfitters and it says “free shipping” and you think, “oh great,” but then you see that it’s free shipping on orders over $150 and you think, WHO EVEN HAS $150 TO SPEND AT THIS DUMP? Local news is like that a lot. Between sad stories of people dying in dramatic ways before their time, it’s all smoke and mirrors and leading you in with stories about people falling asleep on french fries and getting arrested for it and how dogs talk to each other or whatever. Have you guys ever watched the local news before? Or gotten a misleading e-mail advertisement? I’m available for podcasts if no! Anyway this isn’t the perfect crime that we all thought it would be from the lead-in, but it is still pretty much THE PERFECT CRIME!

Uh, a-no doy he’s going to keep eating the french fries. He did ORDER THEM, MR. OFFICER! Box them up, give him some coffee and send the man on his way. VIVE LA FRIES! (Via Abroath.)

Comments (39)
  1. “Like when you get an e-mail from Urban Outfitters and it says “free shipping” and you think, “oh great,” but then you see that it’s free shipping on orders over $150 and you think, WHO EVEN HAS $150 TO SPEND AT THIS DUMP?”

    It’s like you’re in my brain, Kelly. The future is now.

  2. Full disclosure: I have definitely passed out at a bar with my hand in a plate of fries. I would go into more detail, but all I can really recall was Jagermeister, tequila, and Bacardi 151. And the fries.

  3. So he was being charged with public intoxication (which shouldn’t be a crime) when they found some weed and pills in his pocket (which shouldn’t be a crime) and now he gets to be humiliated on the news and spend thousands of dollars on a lawyer to help him deal with that one time when he got drunk and fell asleep at Hardee’s.

    USA! USA! USA!

    • Whether or not these things should be crimes is irrelevant. They ARE crimes, and he committed them. If you don’t like the system, you can try to take steps to change it, but you can’t just ignore it.

      • You can absolutely ignore it. The cops can see a guy passed out who’s not making any trouble, wake him up, and just offer him a ride home. I think it happens all the time. Kind of a win-win for everybody.

        But not liking the system was sort of my point in the first place. Which is what I meant by the USA chanting part. It’s bullshit that simply being drunk and falling asleep is a crime, and the consequences he’s facing are wildly disproportionate to the offense.

  4. OMG, I have a comment awaiting moderation right now! This is my first time awaiting moderation! I thought it was a myth! You guys, it’s such a good comment. Everyone is going to flip out when you read it!!! GET HYPED!!!!!

  5. Who gets drunk and goes to Hardee’s? That’s what Denny’s are for!

    • Also Steak N Shake. Have you SEEN their late-night menu? I just found out about it, and it is amazing! I KIND OF want to get very very drunk, just so I can go there with the right attitude.

      • At the Steak N Shake at our college town, everyone’s favorite waiter was this guy named Destiny. Whenever anyone mentioned going to SNS, everyone would say, ‘Was Destiny your waiter?” We all loved him. And then one of our friends saw him at a gay club, and his name was not actually Destiny, but, like, John or something. He used a fake amazing name at his shitty SNS job and then went by his real totally boring name at the gay club? What?

      • The one in Manhattan sucks because when I go there it’s noon and I’m not supposed to be drunk at the job but it’s a mindnumbing job which would be a lot more fun with alcohol, but I digress. Also there’s no breakfast menu, which doubly blows because the natural course of action after having too much booze is one too many pancakes.

        • Do you mean the one on, like, 54th and broadway? I’ve never actually gone in it (cause I don’t eat meat anymore and the line is always like 5000 people long) but its RIGHT next to my building. Do they got veggie burgz or something? Should I get drunk at work and go?

          • Yes!

            Here’s the thing:
            I ordered an avocado burger thing, thinking it was meatless, and I ended up with a burger with guacamole on top. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I’m not a vegetarian, but I wanted to not have beef that day.
            They advertise a mushroom burger which I’ve never had–because I agree with Ron Swanson on mushroom burgers–but before you order it, ask if it’s just a mushroom as a burger and not a mushroom stacked on a burger (which is something they have at Shake Shack which is delicious.)
            Also, their sodas are ginormous and come in only one size, but they have those customizable Coke machines, so eh.

            Knowing there’s a VGer so close to work is the highlight of my day so far. Would you happen to work at that pie place with the face?

          • I haven’t had any of their beers or wines, but it’s probably I’m going to venture a guess that it would be better to try their booze on a Friday so your co-workers will forget your drunken antics by Monday.

          • No I work at Random House at 1745 Broadway, there’s another monster on my floor (JuliaStepChild).


          • Cool cool cool!
            Question: Have you ever eaten at the foods trucks outside your building? Whenever I go they’re either closed or swarmed by suits.

          • I have eaten at those. Some of em are good but most of them are overpriced garbage. Message me on FB to arrange this lunch I guess?!

          • As a former Chicagoan, and former former suburbanan, I’m a little scared of the Manhattan Steak N’ Shake. Steak N’ Shake was the upscale (what?) alternative to Denny’s where I grew up and I remember its deliciousness well…I’m kind of scared that Manhattan versions of things that are good in a terrible way in the suburbs (read, Red Lobster) are just plain terrible in Manhattan.

            Am I wrong, should I be heading into midtown to relive my childhood??

          • thisisawkward, I’ve never been to S&S outside of Manhattan, but odds are you’re going to leave enraged and bamboozled by your own sense of nostalgia. There are no waiters and there are only 2 booths.

          • Eric,
            The almighty Facebook has declared that my messages will end up in your “other” folder *dun dun dun* unless I pay them $1. So accept my friend request, please.

      • The last time I went to a Steak N Shake I saw someone I recognized from a party I had gone to a few months prior. I was so amazed to see this person that when I greeted him, my voice went up 12 octaves. It was the last time that 1) I saw that person and 2) I set foot in a Steak N Shake.

    • True story: last time I got so drunk I blacked out, apparently I went to IHOP and I threw up in the bathroom to make room for red velvet pancakes.

      YOLO, hunties. YOLO.

    • I would also submit White Castle as an acceptable drunken alternative.

      • Oh White Castle. It was the highlight of my life (sad life?) when I moved to a neighborhood in BK that had one right down the block. I had to make it a serious rule that I could only go there when I was too drunk to be held responsible for eating there. Needless to say, it was like double birthday time when I 1) got super drunk, already a bonus and 2) knew I was “allowed” to have White Castle.

    • So, I will admit that one of the brilliant things that happens in Tulsa is that at about midnight, a swarm of guys selling all kinds of food will hit up the downtown bars. I’ve gone halfsies on many a pizza without having to leave my drink!

  6. I’ve heard tales of a man who does something dumb while drunk, but have never actually been witness to one, not been one myself. It’s like a unicorn riding a shooting star.

  7. Comfort food.

  8. That sounds really nice actually. I would like to fall asleep in fries. I love fries as much that I want to fly to Japan for one of their french fry parties:

  9. “Hi, welcome to Hardees, may I take…you to prison?”

  10. I know where this guy’s coming from. But for me, instead of getting drunk and falling asleep at a Hardee’s into some french fries, I usually get drunk and fall asleep in a chair in my den with the TV on and a full beer sitting next to me, because I’m always pretty sure that I’m OK for one more. It’s a real bummer when it’s very expensive beer.

  11. This has nothing to to with anything but, OMG you guys, I just watched Psych’s Big Foot episode and it was AMAZEBALLS! So good. Emmy-worthy even.

  12. They really should have gone with b-roll of disembodied breasts for this story.

  13. I don’t understand why this is a problem.
    Who hasn’t been so drunk that they’ve fallen asleep in their food?
    Then again I live in a country where drinking is a national pastime so maybe I’m not the best judge on things like this…

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