Comments (76)
  1. So of COURSE they chose the most Italian country outside of Italy. It’s barely a stretch.

    • also, his parents were italian. this changes everything and nothing at the same time.

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  2. If they had these dudes at church every Sunday, I wouldn’t have stopped going.

    • This video is real? Also this is raw video but has a score?
      The AP is super weird, you guys. Also, their push alerts are the weirdest. I’m only subscribed to high tier breaking news, and last week I got notices about North Korea and Justin Beiber in less than two minutes’ time.

  3. Well, I guess my candidate is out of the running

  4. This is going to seriously complicate my Bing searches to figure out if the Smoking Popes are playing #sxsw this year.

  5. Even though Argentina is basically the whitest possible Latin American country, it’s still encouraging that they didn’t just go straight for the French Canadian or something. It’s been years since I even bothered to go to church, but I do still get emotionally invested in the stupid bullshit the church does, so I’m really interested to see how having a (potentially) more representative pope will affect the church as a whole.

  6. I actually had the thought “I wonder if this new pope will be homophobic and misogynistic!” and then I laughed and laughed and laughed because what a stupid thought of course he will be!

  7. Also it’s super shady that the new pope deleted the old pope’s tweets. If you go to @pontifex there is only 1 tweet!

  8. “Let’s not be naive, we’re not talking about a simple political battle; it is a destructive pretension against the plan of God. We are not talking about a mere bill, but rather a machination of the Father of Lies that seeks to confuse and deceive the children of God.”

    That’s the new pope talking about molesting children, haha, jk, he said that about same sex marriage.

    • I mean, some queers do worship Satan:

      • If you were hoping for a pope that’s “good on gays” you should consider how long it took to get a pope that was “good on heliocentrism”

    • For an institution that basically serves as a depository for gay Catholic boys, the priesthood sure is fucked up in the head about homosexuality! Maybe if they weren’t so fucked up in the head about it, then molestation and other fucked up in the head business wouldn’t be such an issue!

    • “Father of Lies, abomination before the Lord, yadda, yadda – now where did those shirtless acrobats go?”

  9. I thought for sure he’d go on the balcony and sing “don’t cry for me Argentina”.

  10. all i saw is that DENNIS RODMAN, who is legit my spirit guide, was at the vatican this morning flashing DEVIL HORNS and now in my mind he is the pope and i don’t give any fucks about who else they might “claim” to be the pope, POPE RODMAN FOREVERRRRRR.

    • I love that Dennis Rodman is basically on an international freakout tour. He’s like the Carmen San Diego of being a very crazy person!

      • gaaaahhh, i am seriously not joking when i say that dennis rodman is my spirit guide! like, as a weird kid growing up in the mid-90s who had gender issues, i think he was the first person i saw in the super straight, super male world who just totally let himself be a weirdo, and was super powerful and had so much swagger while doing so. it made a deep impression on me! i love him so, so, so, so, so very much!

    • I just want to know who is funding Rodman. Because I know he doesn’t have any money anymore…

  11. I’m struggling to see what this all has to do with Courtney Stodden.

  12. He looks like Junior Soprano

  13. There’s a deleted scene in Schumacher’s “Batman & Robin” where Batman, Robin, and Alicia Silverstone all do acrobatic stuff just like in this video for the pope of Gotham City. Really weird scene that got cut because there was NEVER a pope in the comics.

  14. I was in Chile when JP2 died and everyone was flipping their shit at the possibility of this guy being pope because this is the one time that Chile will admit it’s practically Argentina. We could have saved a lot of time, is what I’m saying. But then we would have missed out on all the Darth Pope/nazi pope jokes, so in the end I guess it’s a wash.

  15. I personally don’t care, and I don’t get why some people who aren’t religious seem to care so much? I feel the same way about this as I do about people who suddenly love soccer when the World Cup is on. It seems disingenuous.

  16. The papal conclave is the Teen Choice Awards of global events.


  17. “Raise the firmament, ya’ll.” —new pope

  18. You guys, BIG SCOOP! The pope’s new name supposedly symbolizes “poverty and humility”, which makes me LOLOLOL big time. A dude with a fucking golden throne and enough riches to feed every starving African child for six billion years (it’s science, you can check my math) who insists that he was chosen by God to be God’s representative on earth. “Poverty and humility”. LOLOLOLOL. Fuck this whole circus of garbage monsters.

    • Now, now, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt until we see what style of custom Prada shoes he selects.

    • I got all excited when they announced he was a Jesuit, but then I realized I had confused Jesuits and Franciscans. It would be awesome to have a Franciscan pope because of the whole vow of poverty stuff. I’m pretty sure a Franciscan pope would be obligated to sell all of the Vatican and live in a hut. I’m pretty sure that’s why there have only been two Franciscan popes and that was over 300 years ago.*

      *this knowledge brought to you by 13 years of Catholic school and 25 years of living in a Catholic family.

    • this comment, this is why i stopped going to church when i was a wee lass. nope.

  19. While watching the livestream of this, I couldn’t help but think that the Church has the same problem as Republicans: all the pomp and circumstance and really extravagant ceremonies isn’t really helping to win over anyone.

  20. As a Catholic, we take what we can get for progress. The pros is that the dude definitely lived a humble life before he was pope, is a Jesuit (thinkers, more progressive), and seems to have a strong interest in social justice. Also he is, at least technically, not a European pope. To wonder if a pope will come out in favor of gay marriage, abortion, or contraception is to wonder if the next pope will not be Catholic. It’s just not going to happen. It’s disappointing every time but not surprising. I hope that this pope concentrates his energies on the poor countries that have no oil (because the USA certainly doesn’t), cleans house of all the corruption (at least sell those apartments next to the bath house), and just in general acts like a man of God and not a fucking prancing gremlin like the last one.

  21. There was no way a Pope was going to magically be elected that was pro gay marriage and pro contraception and pro abortion and pro all those other things. Just wasn’t going to happen. BUT, he is very passionate about the poor and has dedicated his life to trying to benefit the poor. Seriously, what good cause are any of us passionate about that we’ve worked a fraction as hard for as this guy has worked for the poor? AND he’s totally cool with admonishing the church when they try to regulate peoples’ worship or exploit their followers instead of providing a place of spiritual nourishment. Basically, it could have been worse, and it seems like they actually made a pretty good choice. Also, and I say this as someone who is a very strong supporter of gay marriage, but NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE CENTERED AROUND GAY MARRIAGE, especially when focusing on a subject like the urban or third world poor. I guess I’ll say that I’m hopeful and you can bite me.

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