“[Your name here] left her house around 1PM dressed in unflattering baggy jeans and a very large winter jacket, sans makeup. (Click here for a closeup of her skin.) After dropping laundry off at laundromat, she went to the drug store and picked up what looks like tampons or, perhaps, a pregnancy test? Later that night, she met someone (boyfriend? friend? girlfriend?) for drinks at the Applebees bar before (drunkenly?) tripping over a curb and getting into a cab with the alluring stranger. Will she ever seek treatment for her alcoholism? Is she pregnant?! DOESN’T SHE KNOW APPLEBEES IS GROSS?” Can you imagine?!?! What a terrible nightmare world we live in (in lots of ways, but right now I am specifically speaking about celebrity culture) (the #1 way everyone agrees that the world is a nightmare, doyoy), and I can only imagine it getting so much worse. (Though, from the way some people use social media you’d imagine that maybe people DESIRE this constant public narration of their daily activities.) (They should be famous!) Anyway, Shia LaBeouf allegedly went to Olive Garden and then got coffee and now WE ALL KNOW ABOUT IT! From Us Weekly:

He may be one of the wealthiest young stars in Hollywood, but Shia LaBeouf can’t resist Olive Garden’s affordable soup, salad and breadsticks combo! The Lawless actor treated his girlfriend, Mia Goth, to a meal at the chain restaurant in New York City on Wednesday, March 6. The dressed-down duo grabbed coffees after their dinner date.

What, you’re not going to tell us where they got coffees from? What happened post-coffee? What did they talk about at Olive Garden? Is the soda “bottomless” there, and if so how many refills did they get? How much money does Shia LaBeouf have in his bank account? (Like, the account he uses for spending money.) Where did YOU eat dinner that night? What’s your name? How much money do you have? Are you dating anyone, and if no when is the last time you were? What’s up? HELLO? DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK? (Via ONTD.)

Comments (31)
  1. This is perfect, Kelly.

  2. Ah, coffee? So that’s why he’s never tired!

  3. Mia Goth is wearing black, likes breadsticks.

  4. Jeez…what is this, Shia LeBeoufgum?

  5. What a wasted opportunity. I mean Guy’s American Kitchen was RIGHT THERE!

  6. Did he have real onscreen sex with the Tour of Italy or what?

  7. I know it’s a horrible invasion of privacy and I don’t buy tabloids (or Us Weekly) for those reasons but I do understand the desire to know what people buy. Do you ever look at the purchases of the person in front of or behind you at the grocery store? it’s totally fascinating. Especially when I had a crazy schedule and would go grocery shopping really late at night or early in the morning to avoid crowds. People (famous or not) have some crazy eating habits. Also I love to create fake back stories for people.

    • I also like to see when they’re dressed terribly. Because if, like, Cameron Diaz can go to the grocery store in her pajamas, what am I doing getting all dressed up in real pants to do the same thing? Jennifer Lawrence can wander around a balcony smoking pot and wearing a robe? Then so can I!

    • Oh man, this is one of my favorite things, next to peeping people’s apartments on airbnb. Seriously. Everyone is so nosy! I’m just nosy about regular people and only with the information they offer. Like hell yeah I am going to point to the guy who has an entire push cart FILLED will Smart Ones frozen meals and one bunch of celery or whatever. But I’m not going to hide behind his car and then snap off a million photos with flash as he just tries to get in his car and drive home.

    • I have lived in the same place (mostly) for a couple years now and being close with my landlords, they embrace telling me things like how they snooped through my stuff when we brought stuff over early before actually living there.

      Their main objective was trying to find out how many books I owned after telling them I was a big reader and that the main things I was moving with were books.

    • I look at what people are buying at the grocery store to try to figure out what I should be eating. I never know what the hell to eat.

    • I for sure do this, and it forces me to make healthier eating choices. If I am buying something bad for me I’m always terrified (haha “terrified”) that someone will see that I’ve come to the store to buy 20 kilos of kitty litter and 8 boxes of KD or whatever and and judge me on it, so I put away the delicious, horrifying processed pasta and powder cheese and buy fresh fruits and veggies instead. And if I have “better” stuff than the people in front of and behind me I always feel a bit smug about it. Like I won our little competition that they didn’t know we were having?

      • Whatever you do, don’t buy a box of sleeping pills, a bottle of wine, and a frozen pizza at the same time. I once went through the check out line with just those three items, and the look of horror on the cashier’s face made me switch grocery stores.

    • True story, last night at Trader Joe’s the woman behind me was about 85 and 4’9″ and as the dude scanned my items she reviewed them out loud. Ae explained each one.

      HER: What kind of juice is THAT? Looks weird.
      HIM: It’s not juice, it’s soy milk.
      HER: [making face] Ick!
      ME: I know, but it’s okay! This one is vanilla.
      HER: What are all those, candy bars?
      HIM: Clif bars. They’re healthy snacks.
      HER: Oh. I see apples, too. Carrots. He’s healthy.
      ME: Not really.
      HIM: He makes a real effort.
      HER: What’s THIS?
      HIM: Hummus. It’s a dip.
      HER: I don’t like it. Eh, I dunno. What kind of ravioli is that?
      HIM: Artichoke. See? There’s a picture of an artichoke.
      HER: Okay, well, you know you cook the water, then you scoop them out, right? Scoop, don’t dump.
      ME: Okay, I can do that. I will!
      HER: And then a little yogurt on them.
      ME: I put oil and grate some cheese.
      HER: [makes face, done with me]

      I’d had a demoralizing day at work and this interaction put a spring in my step. Little old lady with a sparkle in her eye!

  8. Rich people with supposedly good taste go through a great many lengths to dress like poor people with bad taste.

  9. To be fair, there should be a website that posts photos of every poor bastard who goes to Olive Garden.

  10. “Treated.”

  11. just before I saw the receipt which was of $6289, I didn’t believe that…my… father in law woz like they say realey bringing home money in their spare time at there computar.. there neighbour had bean doing this 4 only nine months and by now took care of the debts on their home and purchased a gorgeous Mini Cooper. go to………. http://qr.net/ka9T

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.