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Every year, when the MTV Movie Awards nominations are announced, I go on some toothless rant about how I cannot even understand why we are still doing these, since they are completely meaningless and directed at an indeterminate audience, and this year is no different. If children are too busy SEXTing on their Samsung Galaxy III’s to be bothered to even go to the movies in the first place, surely they are not tuning into appointment-viewing television to see who won BEST MILF. And while it was always ridiculous that Best Kiss and Best Fight were actual PRIZES that someone could WIN on NATIONAL TELEVISION, it was with the addition of Best WTF Moment and Best Shirtless Performance (REAL CATEGORIES OF PRESTIGIOUS AWARD) that the MTV Movie Awards truly became an irrelevant parade of intellectually bankrupt garbage. Because the weird thing about these silly categories is that they are not even FUN. Do you know what I mean? BEST SHIRTLESS PERFORMANCE is not even FUN. It’s not really tongue-in-cheek or winking, it’s just the straight-forward continued hyper-sexualization of youth culture to a Skrillex beat. If/when Channing Tatum wins, he is going to have to GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT IT. And people will CHEER.
But above and beyond all of that, this year in particular the MTV Movie Awards has proven itself to be a worthless tribute to the soulless demands of the capitalist system if it can look the youth of America in the eye and say to them, Yes, we believe that Ted is a valid nominee for MOVIE OF THE YEAR. Unacceptable. I am just glad that Hugo Chavez didn’t live long enough to see this.
Movie of the Year
“The Avengers”
“The Dark Knight Rises”
“Django Unchained”
“Silver Linings Playbook”
“Ted”
Best Female Performance
Anne Hathaway, “Les Misérables”
Mila Kunis, “Ted”
Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Emma Watson, “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”
Rebel Wilson, “Pitch Perfect”
Best Male Performance
Ben Affleck, “Argo”
Bradley Cooper, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Daniel Day-Lewis, “Lincoln”
Jamie Foxx, “Django Unchained”
Channing Tatum, “Magic Mike”
Breakthrough Performance
Ezra Miller, “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”
Eddie Redmayne, “Les Misérables”
Suraj Sharma, “Life of Pi”
Quvenzhané Wallis, “Beasts of the Southern Wild”
Rebel Wilson, “Pitch Perfect”
Best Scared-As-S–t Performance
Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty”
Alexandra Daddario, “Texas Chainsaw 3D”
Martin Freeman, “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”
Jennifer Lawrence, “House at the End of the Street”
Suraj Sharma, “Life of Pi”
Best On-Screen Duo
Leonardo DiCaprio and Samuel L. Jackson, “Django Unchained”
Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Mark Wahlberg and Seth MacFarlane, “Ted”
Robert Downey Jr. and Mark Ruffalo, “The Avengers”
Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis, “The Campaign”
Best Shirtless Performance
Christian Bale, “The Dark Knight Rises”
Daniel Craig, “Skyfall”
Taylor Lautner, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2″
Seth MacFarlane, “Ted”
Channing Tatum, “Magic Mike”
Best Fight
Jamie Foxx vs. Candieland Henchmen, “Django Unchained”
Daniel Craig vs. Ola Rapace, “Skyfall”
Mark Wahlberg vs. Seth MacFarlane, “Ted”
Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson and Jeremy Renner vs. Tom Hiddleston, “The Avengers”
Christian Bale vs. Tom Hardy, “The Dark Knight Rises”
Best Kiss
Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx, “Django Unchained”
Kara Hayward and Jared Gilman, “Moonrise Kingdom”
Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Mila Kunis and Mark Wahlberg, “Ted”
Emma Watson and Logan Lerman, “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”
Best WTF Moment
Jamie Foxx and Samuel L. Jackson, “Candieland Gets Smoked” in “Django Unchained”
Denzel Washington, “Final Descent” in “Flight”
Anna Camp, “Hack-Appella” in “Pitch Perfect”
Javier Bardem, “Oops … There Goes His Face” in “Skyfall”
Seth MacFarlane, “Ted Gets Saucy” in “Ted”
Best Villain
Javier Bardem, “Skyfall”
Leonardo DiCaprio, “Django Unchained”
Marion Cotillard, “The Dark Knight Rises”
Tom Hardy, “The Dark Knight Rises”
Tom Hiddleston, “The Avengers”
Best Musical Moment
Anne Hathaway, “Les Misérables”
Channing Tatum, Matt Bomer, Joe Manganiello, Kevin Nash and Adam Rodriguez, “Magic Mike”
Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, Anna Camp, Brittany Snow, Alexis Knapp, Ester Dean and Hana Mae Lee, “Pitch Perfect”
Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Emma Watson, Logan Lerman and Ezra Miller, “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”
I DEMAND A RECOUNT! MICHAEL HANEKE’S AMOUR FOR BEST FIGHT SCENE!
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Guys, I’m really pulling for The House at the End of the Street.
You know what we Hollywood folk do when this happens? We reboot. Take a year off, shorten the names of the awards to one word, and replace the moonman with a zombie. Let’s go.
Mark my words, if if Marion Cotillard wins best villian I WILL BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER TO THE GROUND.
Actually, no I won’t. I just used up all my energy allotted to caring about these awards on this comment.
Man, SPOILER ALERT much?
formerragequitter, this is not meant to be a rebuke of your comment and should not be taken as such, but can we talk for a moment about how oversensitive we’ve all become as a society about spoilers?
In this instance, the movie’s been out for six or so months, so is the last act twist not up for debate? Is there a time limit we can all agree to or can we never have a meaningful discussion about anything without fear of “spoiling” something for someone.
Here’s the thing, as Gabe somewhat alluded to, appointment viewing is either dead or dying. There’s benefits to this, but the downside is we are all on different schedules. What I’m getting at is if you haven’t had time to watch something because you were too busy watching something else or reading something else or updating your blog doesn’t mean that society now has to conform to your schedule. This is the trade off we now have to enter into in a world that allows for binge consumption of media, if you want to catch up on Friday Night Lights and thereby miss seeing Dark Knight Rises in the theater, then thats the price of admission (omission?)
I’m not saying that we need to be rude in discussing movies or TV and just spoil things ad hoc. I think that we all have an internal clock that tells us when we can kind of discuss things. A movie is out of the theater, let’s discuss. Weeks have gone by on TV show, let’s talk openly about an episode, so on and so on.
True story, I was at brunch a couple of weeks ago with some friends and I made a joke about Fredo Corelone dying in Godfather 2 and one of the folks at the table said “UGH! SPOILER ALERT.” Actually said “ugh.” First, the movie is fucking 40 years old. Second, how are you in your 30′s and somehow missed ever seeing this movie, nor hearing any significant plot points? I have to somehow be aware that you never saw the Godfather and make a note not to EVER bring it up in front of you until I’m given permission. hey guys, before we order drinks, can we all fill out this list of things we’ve seen vs. things we don’t want spoiled so I can craft a fucking Venn Diagram of safe areas of discussion for the next frigging hour. (Side note, I proceeded to obnoxiously spoil everything I could think of about the Godfather series, because I’m a raging dick when challenged. Joey Zasa!)
My point is 9 times out of ten, spoilers to me don’t ruin the thing I’m watching. I knew going into Chinatown that the whole case falls apart at the end after years of hearing the last line used as punchlines , but it didn’t diminish my love for the movie because it’s fucking awesome.
Teal Deer: I hate spoiler alerts.
DON’T be DEVILS! Don’t ruin THE INTEREST your friends could take IN THIS film. Don’t TELL THEM what YOU saw. Thank YOU, FOR them.
….Frr….Fredo dies?
Yeah, and if you’re Mary Corleone, I wouldn’t be buying any green bananas either.
Agreed with everything here. If your viewing experience is so easily spoiled, then maybe you should just give up on watching tv or movies because sometimes the last plot twist isn’t the point!
I know that when I drive up to my parents’ house in the mountains that when I get there there will only be one bathroom for a million people to share, but that doesn’t make the drive any less beautiful!
THOUGH, I’D argue that for A LOT of Chris Nolan films THAT THE last plot twist is KIND OF sort of the moral KEY to the whole point though I DON’T THINK that’s the case lately (IE, don’t fucking DEBATE that Inception “twist” anymore, PEOPLE).
But also, IF YOU don’t see one of the BIGGEST FUCKING MOVIES of the year that ALSO HAPPENS to be ABOUT AMERICA’S favorite goddamn SUPERHERO these days, and THEN EXPECT to be able TO GO on the internet and NOT GET spoilers THEN you’re A GODDAMN McClellan* when IT COMES to making decisions (IE, a dumbass).
*Sorry, recently been rewatching KEN BURN’S THE CIVIL WAR on Netflix. Shit is FUCKIN awesome, y’all. Well, the war, not so much.
Right, but even just knowing the last scene of a movie – “Oh maybe it was a dream or was it??” – doesn’t mean anything unless you’ve seen the rest of the movie. What’s a moral key without a moral door, or whatever? Don’t you still care how or why Dumbledore dies?
Sorry about my italicizing errors, apparently I forgot how to internet.
@Superglue
I was REFERRING MORE to his films like THE PRESTIGE and MEMENTO where knowing the details of the twists COLORS ones entire perception of the EVENTS to follow. A rewatch of MEMENTO, for instance, is VERY enjoyable AND ALMOST necessary, but TO KNOW IT beforehand would ROB YOU THE viewer part of the experience BY PREVENTING you from engaging with the film ON ITS initial terms. IT’S a very different FUCKING film the first time you WATCH it compared to the SECOND. Stuff like THE INCEPTION twist, not so much (it’s PRETTY MUCH the definition of A POINTLESS twist in THAT IT says almost FUCKING NOTHING about the movie BEFORE IT one way or THE OTHER and ALL CHARACTER motivations remain intact despite WHAT view you COME TO believe).
American Patriot, I haven’t watched Ken Burns Civil War yet, so no spoilers, aight?
[sorry for unclear reply-threading, I think the levels ran out...]
I agree with you and David Bianculi about spoilers generally, though I do think the godfather example is a litle straw-man-y because
a: people who say “ugh” in real life, no matter what follows, are impossible to dismiss/revile and
b: 30 year old classic staples of film canon should be exempt. It truly is your fault if you haven’t seen them.
Once a piece of film or TV culture is common-knowledge enough to make an offhand joke about, that means it has entered the culture to a degree that it it is likely most or all people have or should have seen it, or it is at least reasonable for the joker to assume so. Otherwise the joke wouldn’t work. I don’t think this is necessarily only a function of time, but also of a general sense of the exposure to a film. Blockbusters have a shorter timeline, in my estimation, than more niche/independent films. The converse being, of course, that if a joke is about a more narrowly viewed (newer movies are De Facto members of into this category).
This treads a ground similar to that of the “a joke has to be funnier than it is offensive” I-know-it-when-I-see-it line. A joke, or discussion of a movie that has had narrower exposure requires more careful spoiler-alerting. Again, just like the “is it funny, or offensive” line, the decision is on the person doing the spoiling. is it worth it? do I care if people “ugh” at me? Am I reasonable to assume this film / episode has been seen, or at least discussed and spoiled a million times before for the reasonable person?
In summation, do all the spoiling you want, 1st amendment all the way. However, If given a little bit of reasonable consideration of spoilers on a case-by-case basis, I think we can find a reasonable level where the spoiler-to-be doesn’t feel unnecessarily muzzled.
*impossible NOT to dismiss or revile, oops!, Dammit, the rest of my post was so carefully overwrought.
Wow, I had no idea this would erupt from my comment, but no worries, FLW, I actually agree with you. I watched The Sixth Sense knowing full well that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, and I still enjoyed it.
P.S. Nothing was actually spoiled for me, I saw TDKR on its release date (NERD ALERT)
P.P.S. Are nerd alerts still acceptable?
She’s more a foiler of plans than a villain, really.
I feel weird reading an article bemoaning a network giving in to capitalist demands when it is surrounded by a giant ad for The Sims 3: University Life.
Best Channing Tatum
Channing Tatum, “Haywire”
Channing Tatum, “The Vow”
Channing Tatum, “21 Jump Street”
Channing Tatum, “Magic Mike”
Best out of place appearance as a minor character in Lincoln:
Adam from Girls, Lincoln
Boyd Crowder from Justified, Lincoln
The Pin from Brick, Lincoln
Arnold Rothstein from Boardwalk Empire, Lincoln
Lt. Charles Marimow from The Wire, Lincoln
Andrew from Chronicle, Lincoln
I also refer to Lukas Haas as “The Pin.” Or as “The Love Below” because he has a cameo in the Roses video by Outkast where he’s yelling “The love below!” while gesturing to his crotch. That’s a great video.
That is a great video. And I didn’t know Luke Haas was in it. I guess I have to rewatch it now, for educational purposes.
And for enjoyment. You can certainly watch it just for enjoyment.
Gale from Breaking Bad, Lincoln
Doug from Flight of the Conchords, Lincoln
creepy mysterious guy from Damages, Lincoln
The kid from Jack Frost, Lincoln
I feel like PItch Perfect should just sweep everything.
Best WTF moment is a category?
This comment is the best WTF moment in this thread.
SINCE 2009: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MTV_Movie_Award_for_Best_Jaw_Dropping_Moment
Call YOUR MOM and tell HER THANK YOU SO SO MUCH for the joke.
Best Shirtless Performance
Christian Bale, “The Dark Knight Rises”
Daniel Craig, “Skyfall”
Taylor Lautner, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2″
Seth MacFarlane, “Ted”
Channing Tatum, “Magic Mike”
Really?
I know. The fact that they left out Alcide shows what a joke these awards really are.
Also, no pantless mentions of Beasts of the Southern Wild.
I know! Seth Macfarlane? Was there no one who took there shirt off in the Avengers? Is Suraj Sharma not cut as hell on that boat with that tiger? What are the demographics of this nominating body anyway?
Whenever I get upset at MTV, I have to remember that its target audience is the actual opposite of me (imagine me as the exact opposite of a stupid, asshole 13-year-old boy whose parents merely tolerate him and don’t really put forth that much effort beyond that.)
but we can be a little upset that they’ve set their phasers to this target audience in the first place, right?
Best Shirtless Performance: that guy getting waterboarded in Zero Dark Thirty
Best WTF Moment: Jennifer Ehle and all those CIA guys getting blowed up in Zero Dark Thirty
Best Villain: Osama Bin Laden
So MTV has a movie awards show now? Add that to the list of awards shows I never watch, somewhere below the Oscars and between the Golden Globes and Kids’ Choice Awards.
Do you think Daniel Day-Lewis will attend the award show? This is probably his first MTV Award nomination.
I wish Toothless Rant would play at the MTV movie awards. Something current, like maybe their hit single “Irrelevant Parade” but they are wayyyy too punk.
You’re right, Gabe. I don’t care.