Hey, did you hear about the sinkhole that opened up in Florida underneath a man’s bedroom, swallowing him and killing him? They assume? Not that they can check because it keeps getting bigger and they had to evacuate the area, but just according to the monitoring equipment lowered into the sinkhole by engineers, which detected no signs of life? And you thought that you knew every terrifying and incredibly sad and scary way to die, but now there’s this one that we have to worry about too? And it’s kind of like the ground underneath us itself is the Swamp of Sadness and maybe we’re all eventually going to get sucked in? Did you hear about that? ZzzzZZz I didn’t! ZzzzZZzzzzzzzZzzz I’m still asleep! ZzzZZzzzz GOODNIGHT!

PS: The man trying to keep hail off of his car is a metaphor for everything.

Comments (37)
  1. This feels like an extended scene out of a Jean Luc Goddard film.

  2. This is both less messy and less delicious than a man trying to protect his car from falling chicken, AKA hail’s bells.

  3. I love the second guy who shows up with the tarp to try and help, but then he gives up and leaves. Probably because the main guy was doing such a good job keeping hail off his car already.

  4. I can’t wait for the sequel: Concussed Man Staggers Into Street

  5. If you guys are going to start the day by telling me to go back to bed, could you do it a little earlier next time, please? By the time I get the message, I’ve already had my coffee. So if you could let me know earlier, I could be more prepared. I mean, I’d still have the coffee, but I’d double the amount of rum that goes into it.

  6. Maybe he’s just practicing swimming for summer because he is so excited for summer because obviously winter is a bummer.

  7. Worst game of Frogger ever.

  8. Why do we even have nice things if it’s just going to weather/sinkhole all over it? You can’t take it with you, man. Go live your life.

  9. I used to be a temp at a group of medical clinics, and one of them had a not-so-secret sinkhole under the parking lot. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH I hated being there because AAAAAAAAH SINKHOLES AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE IF ANYONE NEEDS ME I WILL BE IN A TREE WITH MY EYES CLOSED HUMMING LOUDLY TO MYSELF.

  10. ♫ Is this the real life? is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape for reality. Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see. I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy. ♫

    This sums up my feelings on these stories quite nicely.

  11. Once I was running errands on my lunch break, and when I came out of the store a huge sinkhole had opened up right behind my back tires, and the guy in front was parked super close so I was stuck there and starting to panic, but then when the firefighters arrived to do whatever it is you’re meant to do when a sinkhole opens up I asked them if they could lift my car out like a Mentos commercial because it was a small car, and they did! Firefighters are the best, you guys (except for the time I saw a dog stuck in a tree (???) and called the fire dept because it was a holiday and animal control was closed, and they got really mad at me for wasting their time because they had real things to worry about, but then they sent some guys over anyway so it was all ok, except the dog was too aggressive because it had been stuck in a tree and was scared so they had to give up and let animal control deal with it the next day anyway. So yeah, they were still the best, but the were rude to me for a bit before they were the best again).

    Strangely enough, that is not even the only time I’ve had strange men lift my car out of a sticky spot like in a Mentos commercial.

    • Is there anyone who hates firefighters? They are the best. Like being a police officer must kind of suck in the sense that a lot of people hate cops or feel intimidated by them, and whenever you tell someone you are a cop you run the risk of making them uncomfortable. But being a firefighter must be awesome in that sense, because who is ever going to say “Oh you save people from burning buildings for a living? Fuck that noise, asshole.”

      • In my family (where most of my family lived under a totalitatian regime at some point) we are kind of wary of cops, but if there’s a firetruck rolling by, we’ll stop what we’re doing and wave.

      • Everyone really does love firefighters, and if you know any personally, they get even better. My uncle has delivered two babies, fell 6 stories because a ladder snapped while he was on it, but he grabbed and protected the two kids on the ladder with him. etc. This goes on. The man made a police officer drive him from Jersey to NYC when the towers were attacked (he met and made fun of Steve Buscemi there) and also went to New Orleans (wher ehe met and made fun of George Bush).

        I also was in Florida with him and we got lost. Now, most people when lost will just stop at a gas station or whatnot, right? We basically just drove around lost until he found a firestation and asked for directions there.

        • When my sister was in the 6th or 7th grade, she wanted the school’s volunteer club to bring baked goods to the local firehouse, but the teacher thought it wasn’t a good idea. My mom was pissed, because honestly, what is the big deal about letting kids thank firemen with cake?

          My mom remembers this vividly because of the Thanksgiving incident. The teacher asked my mom to accompany the kids shopping (I think the teacher came also but I wasn’t there) for Thanksgiving food for poor families, but most of the kids ended up getting Adobo and Cheetos. I remember that my mom was upset because nobody in the volunteer club gave a shit.

          She quit because the group was too stupid to function.

      • At the risk of everyone hating my Dad (please don’t, he was an amazing Dad!), I have to let everyone know just for devil’s advocate sake etc etc that my Dad kind of totally hated firefighters. NOT because he loves fires or hates babies or ladders or anything though. Just because in the town where I grew up they would seriously call like every other week to ask you to donate money or buy a calendar or come to their bake sale (mm lemon squares) and eventually my Dad just started hating them because it seemed like they were just spending all their time doing odd jobs for cash or asking for donations and isn’t that what you have a job for? Also, there were very few fires in my town, so maybe we didn’t get a chance to appreciate the firefighters since they were mostly just calling us during dinner like fire telemarketers.

    • Wow, I didn’t know sinkholes happened that frequently. Next time you narrowly avoid falling to your death (aka a Mentos moment), please record it. On second thought, no, because it might become the new planking.

  12. I normally tend to think (mostly privately, politely and to myself) that magical and/or religious thinking in real world affairs is a misbegotten pursuit that will only tangle some degree of conspiracy or ill-begotten exclusionism. HOWEVER, when a sink hole opens up directly under YOUR HOUSE and swallows your brother and then your house completely and precisely, you are free and even encouraged to believe that a supernatural being exists and is, indeed, out to get you.

    Plus, an honest-to-goodness human who utters these words:
    “I know in my heart he’s dead,” Jeremy Bush said. “But I just want to be here for him, because I love him, he was my brother, man.”
    Can pretty much do whatever they want in my book.

  13. That is the strangest looking Ferrari/Bentley/Lotus/Lambroghini I’ve ever seen. Because surely that car must be worth more than all of our houses for him to do that.

    • Really! And who looks at the top of your car anyway? I’d be protecting the hood and having my friend protect the trunk! Then again, I wouldn’t be bothered.

  14. …And that’s how babies are made.

  15. I live in Florida! I’m going to sleep REALLY WELL tonight!


  16. I love the music so much.

  17. This is how everybody looks their first time protecting their car from hail.

  18. Ciao a tutti. Mi sono appena iscritto qui, e questo sembra un grande forum. Molto professionale e cordiale. Mantenere il buon lavoro.

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