Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: hey kelly
Gabe: how you doin’?!
Gabe: that’s a reference from a show called Friends
Gabe: it aired about 10 years before you were born
Kelly: Oooohhh
Kelly: I would’ve learned about it in school I think
Kelly: but right before I got there they got new history text books
Kelly: because the other ones were too old
Kelly: Sounds funny though
Gabe: history ipads
Kelly: right
Kelly: I’m doin’ ok, though! “HOW YOU DOIN’?”
Gabe: well i am sick still, i think i have been sick forever
Kelly: Yeah, I’ve never known you to not be sick.
Gabe: i’m actually chatting you from a hospital lolol the doctors say i only have 15 more blogs to write
Kelly: hahaha
Kelly: I’m so sorry!
Gabe: thanks

Gabe: i mean, i feel like
Gabe: you could have sent over some flowers?
Gabe: saying your sorry in a chat
Gabe: when someone is in the hospital
Gabe: is not that thoughtful
Kelly: I’ll send a singing clown later
Kelly: It’s going to sing “Thrift Shop” but it’s going to be about you in the hospital
Gabe: that will be funny
Gabe: because then we will both be in the hospital!
Kelly: “Walk into the hospital like, what up, can I get a shot?”
Kelly: Hahahah
Gabe: the good news is that i will recover from whatever is afflicting me
Gabe: you will ALWAYS be this way
Kelly: aw
Kelly: YOU FLATTER ME! lol ahaha
Kelly: If this chat hasn’t made you feel better already, I have something that definitely will
Kelly: Do you feel better? Or should I tell you?
Gabe: define better
Kelly: Closer to recovering from your illness
Kelly: The normal definition
Gabe: no
Gabe: i don’t feel that
Kelly: Well get this!
Kelly: Thirty Seconds to Mars, Jared Leto’s band
Gabe: redundant
Kelly: Will be sending its next single, “Up in the Air”
Kelly: TO
Kelly: SPACE!

Gabe: ugh
Gabe: someone should send YOU into space
Gabe: “where’s Kelly?”
Gabe: “We shot her into space.”
Gabe: “Oh, OK. That makes sense.”
Kelly: “No wonder why you’ve been so DEVASTATED.”
Gabe: this seems like the beginning of a horror sci fi movie
Gabe: they send their song into space and the wrong planet finds it
Kelly: hahahaha
Gabe: and they come to destroy us
Kelly: It can be called Death Metal
Kelly: You can even watch the song go into space on NASA’s website
Gabe: terrible
Gabe: first of all it would be called
Gabe: 30 Seconds to Destroy Earth
Kelly: oh please
Kelly: Maybe in a world where everyone loves a clunky movie title
Gabe: u r what is wrong with hollywood
Gabe: also what’s up NASA?
Gabe: i get the part where 30 Seconds to Mars WANTS to send their dumb song into space for no reason
Kelly: hahah right
Gabe: the part where NASA says “we agree and we will help”
Gabe: is where i lose the thread
Kelly: Maybe they’re just unwitting players in a big space scheme
Gabe: I feel like Neil Degrasse Tyson is going to have a lot of explaining to do

Gabe: “with just a 1% increase in its budget, NASA can inspire an entire generation of young people to SEND SOME DUMB SONGS INTO SPACE WHAT NOW COME AGAIN?”
Kelly: “NASA can increase our alien defense by showing them how gross Earth is already, and please don’t come here.”
Gabe: Neil Degrasse Tyson has spent the past couple of years
Gabe: going on podcasts and sounding very smart and inspiring
Gabe: about science and knowledge and space exploration
Gabe: and the first thing NASA does is send Jared Leto to space?
Kelly: hahahaha
Kelly: Maybe NASA just sends all their garbage to space
Kelly: And they were under impression this was the only copy
Kelly: “Throw it into the junk shuttle with all the old coffee pods”
Kelly: There really is no explanation
Kelly: Of why?
Gabe: i feel like it almost makes sense since i do think that NASA is owned and operated by Red Bull now (?)
Gabe: but isn’t Red Bull trying to be “cool”?
Gabe: jared leto’s band is not cool, Red Bull
Kelly: Right
Gabe: if you want to send something cool into space, Red Bull, send QUAVANZHANE WALLIS!
Gabe: i’m surprised james franco hasn’t gone to space yet
Gabe: see also: vincent gallo
Kelly: Oh man
Gabe: James Franco is our generation’s Vincent Gallo right?
Kelly: Unfortunately kind of
Kelly: James Franco and Terry Richardson combined are our generation’s Vincent Gallo
Kelly: But it is surprising that James hasn’t even talked about going to space
Kelly: Maybe it’s just like everything else he does and all of a sudden one day we’ll read a blog and it’ll be like
Kelly: “James Franco holds first nude human zoo exhibit for moon guests.”
Gabe: haha

Gabe: well, but space is already uncool now
Gabe: 30 seconds to mars just ruined space for everyone
Kelly: True
Gabe: oh well
Gabe: space is OUT
Gabe: earth forever
Kelly: Yeah
Kelly: Sorry Richard Branson
Kelly: ur 2 l8
Gabe: poor richard branson
Gabe: all he has left now is everything
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: :( :( :( :(
Kelly: Also a sad day for Kate Winslet
Kelly: Probably never got to take her space honeymoon
Gabe: i don’t know
Gabe: i feel like Danny Rock’N'Roll will insist on going
Kelly: Oh true
Kelly: That’s probably what he said when he heard, but in a good way
Gabe: “It was reported that Kate and Danny Rock’N'Roll died in space today doing what they loved, something something 30 Seconds to Mars good one the end.”
Kelly: hahaha
Gabe: the world may be a vampire, but space is now also kind of a vampire i guess
Kelly: What a bummer.
Kelly: Despite all our rage we are still just a rat in Jared Leto’s cage.

Comments (22)
  1. Oh we are not sending Jared Leto to live on the moon forever, okay I guess that’s staying on my bucket list

  2. Huh? How do you decide what format to use when sending a song into space? Can aliens play mp3 files, or are they still using DATs? And aren’t you kind of sending a song into space whenever it’s played over the airwaves anyway?

    Goddamnit, I’m confused and angered by this to an irrational degree.

    • My whole thought train while I was reading this was about encoding space-mp3s and how different gravities would affect the playback of your space-vinyls. That doesn’t mean I’m actually going to read the original article about this though.

  3. I hate to reveal how ignorant I am in the science field and how all I know comes from the movies, but according to ‘Contact’ aren’t radio signals broadcast into space so 30 Seconds To Mars has already had their shitty music out there trashing up the joint?

  4. good use of ellipses, ratcheted up the tension while i was reading (what does catiadamson accept??? – me while working my way through the post)

  5. i thought we were starting something new, i tried to keep it going :(

  6. FYI I am terrified of space, but i love science fiction.

  7. If Gabe shoots Kelly into space, will she build some wisecracking robots and make fun of movies all day? And then, a few seasons in, Kelly will be replaced with Mary? Monster Science Theater 3000?

  8. What is happening here with the comments??

  9. Maybe Lance could just take it up there for them.

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