Ugh. If there is one thing I know for sure in this world it is that no one likes when secrets are kept from them. Why even tell me that you have something you can’t tell me if YOU CAN’T TELL ME IT? Bunch of jerks. And today I learned that this pain is never more red hot than after the announcement that Fox’s Speed channel, whatever that is, is going to be turned into Fox Sports, and that Regis Philbin has an announcement concerning his involvement with Fox Sports (I KNOW), but that he WON’T TELL US WHAT THE INVOLVEMENT IS UNTIL TUESDAY? From Deadline:

In response to a question on CNBC about reports that he’ll host a show on the new service, Regis Philbin said “all I can tell you is this: There’ll be a major announcement coming out next Tuesday.” Well, what do you know? The Fox Sports Media Group has an upfront presentation scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. Anyone want to put odds on what Fox will announce? Sports Business Daily reported that Philbin was negotiating to lead a panel, much like Barbara Walters’ The View, that will focus on sports.

UH, YES ANYONE WANTS TO PUT ODDS ON WHAT FOX WILL ANNOUNCE. “All I can tell you is this: Fuck you, Regis Philbin. Tell us your secret.” Hahah. I’m sorry, Regis! We love you, you sweet old man, TELL US YOUR SECRET! My guesses are:

  • All of Fox Sports will be filmed in a hot air balloon the shape of Regis Philbin’s head.
  • Instead of showing the real heads of sports players, all heads will be replaced with Regis heads.
  • Regis will do all sports announcing from now on in a very heavy-handed Regis parody voice.

WHAT ARE YOUR GUESSES? If Regis is going to hold out on us until next Tuesday, so many sleeps away, all we can do is HOPE that ONE OF US is RIGHT! (Regis voice.)

Comments (21)
  1. Regis will have a new show on Fox Sports and it’ll be more like Fox news. He’ll have a team of writers who make up fake scores!

  2. He’s pregnant! Mazel tov!

  3. Fingers crossed that he’s the new chairman of the revamped XFL.

  4. Wait, I thought Regis retired? He should have a panel with Brett Favre, Michael Jordan, and Jay-Z on the art of faking a retirement. I also think Jay-Z should be included on more of these panel type shows. Imagine what he could bring to The View!

  5. Maybe he will finally tell us who it is that wants to be a millionaire.

  6. Guys. You’re in luck. As some of you know, I happen to be plugged into the NYC media scene and I can tell all of you, as long as it doesn’t leave this page, that Regis’ big announcement is that he’ll be hosting a new show that will be sponsored by a national hair salon where panelists will reach into a receptacle overfilled with ping pong balls that will have topics of the day written on them and the show will be called Regis’ Regis Philbin’s Filled Bin.

    • Sorry, I just got an update that the panelists will now write topics of the day on the balls and throw them into the receptacle when they’re done discussing and the show will conclude when it’s overflowing.

      Because of this change, the show’s new title is Regis’ Regis Philbin Fill-In Filled Bin.

      • Sorry, another update. (Like I said, I’m really plugged in.)

        Apparently, Regis will only be able to shoot the show half of the week, so there will be guest hosts. On those days the show will be called Regis’ Regis Philbin’s Fill-In’s Fill-in Filled Bin.

        • Sorry guys. Final update, I hope.

          The producer’s son, Reggie, is a notable impersonator, so he will actually be guest hosting one of the shows where Regis isn’t available. The show, then would be called Reg is Regis Philbin in Regis’ Regis Philbin Fill-In Filled Bin.

          • Yikes. I really should wait for the whole story before I type these out.

            Regis is not happy that Reggie will be impersonating him when he’s not there. However, Reggie is extremely versatile and will instead impersonate a different celebrity on shows where neither Regis nor a guest host is available.

            The show, on these days, will be called Reg is Regis Philbin’s Fill-in in Regis’ Regis Philbin’s Fill-In’s Fill-In Filled Bin.

    • Hi Frank Lloyd Wrong. I just wanted to let you know that Tuesday you wrote a comment that I thought was brilliant and then yesterday you wrote another that was equally brilliant, if not more so. Yesterday I thought, “Wow, what’s he gonna come up with next?!” Well, sir, you have done it…you have hit it out of the park once again, for the third day in a row. Congrats on the Hat Trick, buddy! Enjoy your success!

    • Great Googly Moogly!! Can the whole thing be in Monster’s Ball? How could anyone choose?

  7. He still can’t believe it’s not butter.

  8. He will donate $5 million to a charity if Joe Biden sends Regis his passport and school records

  9. He’s actually Kelly Ripa.

  10. He’s been dead since 1987

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