One time I took a martial arts class–WHATEVER, you went to a pimps and hoes party in college and you don’t see me teasing you about THAT–and the teacher or sensei or whatever was talking about self-defense and he asked “what do you do if you go to unlock your car door and someone grabs your ankles from underneath the car.” Just to clarify: I double-checked that sentence to make sure I typed it correctly, and I did. The scenario he was proposing was that someone has crawled underneath your car chassis and laying in wait for you to come back from Mongolian Barbecue and then BOOM, he grabs your ankles. POP QUIZ HOT SHOT! (The answer after the jump!) But, like, as if the world wasn’t scary enough already, now I have to worry about a whole new make believe thing that has never happened anywhere ever?! It’s too much. Just why even bother leaving the house? You’re just going to get bopped in the head by an Acme safe or get caught in quicksand or have someone grab your ankles from UNDERNEATH YOUR CAR or even worse than all of those things combined: get locked out of your hotel room without any clothes on:

Think about it: you could go on vacation, or travel for work as you try to climb the corporate ladder OR you could just stay home all of the time for the rest of your life. The choice is yours. Don’t blow it. Oh, also, according to sensei, if someone grabs your ankles from underneath your car you should just lift your feet straight up (ONE AT AT TIME THOUGH LOL!) and break their wrists against the car. I’m sure this is a great technique. You are completely safe now. (Via BlameItOnTheVoices.)

Comments (46)
  1. It was funnier when it happened to Mr. Bean.

  2. “I’ll get the next one” is one thing you could say to a woman and her child in an elevator when you are completely naked.

  3. I don’t know about anyone else, but I always take FULL advantage of the complimentary robe as much as possible when in a hotel.

  4. Let’s consider all the alternatives to the mortifying necessity of going to the front desk. So far I’ve got 1) find the vending machines and hide behind them, and 2) pretend to be crazy.

  5. So am I really the only one who answered “Pee on the weirdo underneath the car”?

  6. Gabe, “a” martial arts class? C’mon. Don’t be modest about your accomplishments.

    • oh good another picture of charlie day from always sunny in philadelphia, nice to know that guy still gets work as a non-sequiter jpeg in commentator blog post thingies

  7. Did the guy at the front desk ACTUALLY ask for his ID? I’ve been locked out of my hotel room without my wallet before, fully clothed, and all they did was have a bellhop accompany me to my room and had me show him my ID. So really, this is more embarrassing for the hotel (okay maybe not).

  8. I knew he was gonna ask for his driver’s license and I still LOLed. Well done.

  9. With the time and care you take to make sure the “coast is clear”, couldn’t you instead be putting on some pants, or at least boxers? THAT IS MY ONE QUESTION.

  10. I have never attended pimps and hos party in my entire life, so there. However I did visit another school to attend a Halloween party that ended up with me waking up in the middle of the night, in a bush, naked as a jaybird, locked out of the key card protected dorms. Oh…and it was an all-female college.

    Perhaps this is needless to say, but I share major empathy with this dude…because if there was a time I was ever more sure I was going to end up tasered and/or on a sex offender registry, it was that night. Thank God everything didn’t go viral in the early aughts.

  11. Even though I have a Jeep Wrangler that is at least two feet off of the ground, I always check under my car for ankle-grabbing hillbillies who kidnap you , lock you in a cage, and then hunt you for sport.

  12. Everybody go back and watch him press the button for the elevator, it’s so gross.

  13. I went to a pimps and hoes party my freshman year, and we all went to goodwill to find costumes. I somehow found this giant plush purple top hat. It was perfect and people loved it. Because I wanted to be loved, I then proceeded to wear it all of the time. There was also some graffitti scrawled above my dorm room door that said “sexy chocolate.” So that became my alter-ego. Me walking around with a giant purple top hat, talking like Tim Meadows’ “Ladies Man” for like the first two weeks of freshman year. I suppose this should have gone under “embarassing stories” from a few weeks ago, but I guess I had repressed the memory. And also it wasn’t a single event. It was two weeks in which I made dozens of first impressions on the people with whom I’d be spending the next four years.

    • That was you?

    • I really wish your nickname was Gator and you slowly, accidentally turned into a man comfortable wearing that hat and gold teeth… mostly because you were just helping your female friends get money for tuition. Then, in a classic meet-cute, you ended up in the E.R. because you got poison ivy in your ass. And that’s when you ran into your fiance. And she thought, “He’s no pimp. Pimps don’t cry.” And now you’re a detective looking into permit fraud for the NYPD. Of course, if this is true, keep a look out for Dirty Mike and the boys as they will probably have an orgy in your car.

  14. Anybody ever get warned about rapist serial killers hiding under cars with knives to slash your Achilles’ tendons? I did.

    • Yep. Also, they are hiding in the back seat and are dressed like old women. Pretty much, anyone within 20 feet of me in a parking lot is getting stabbed with my keys.

      • Yes! I watched way too many urban legend shows as a kid. And if a car behind you follows you non-stop while flashing its lights down a dark and desolate stretch of road, it’s a sign to jump out of your moving car because there’s a guy with an axe in the backseat.

    • My mom used to fwd me emails like this everyday

    • No, but I for real don’t think this ankle-grabbing thing is that bogus. I waitressed with a woman whose mom backed out of their driveway and killed a man who lived nearby who had been under her car for no apparent reason. Except it was apparent to the police who said, “Oh probably the old ankle-grabbing trick.”

      Unless the POLICE were referencing the urban legend, not their experience, and the man was just trying to emulate a myth… in which case it worked out for him about as well as I’d expect. Should have gone full Achilles stab. I mean, from his perspective. From mine, crushed by an automobile sounds about right.

    • YES! Snopes is a goldmine for this stuff. I’ve gotten into the most intense arguments with people who swear that their older brother’s friend went to a haunted house in [Kansas City or Chicago or somewhere else kind of near in the midwest] that’s so scary that if you make it to the end you get your money back.

    • But nothing is harder for people to accept than the simple fact that daddy long legs are not in the least bit poisonous. It’s like the Santa Claus myth for adults, as people get so upset when they learn the truth.

  15. i’m just glad that’s not my boyfriend.

  16. I like that moment at the 0:34 mark where you can see his will to live just ebb away (not a euphemism).

  17. I once got locked out of a hotel room without my shoes and it was just like this!

    Please don’t give me more things to worry about (i.e. guys hiding under cars). I already think that guys hide either in the back of my car or have someway to rig themselves to the bottom of my car and then hang out in the garage until nighttime when they will come in to my house and kill me.

  18. Pimps and hoes parties, plural. Get it right.

  19. A bit ago I used to go to this shitty gym in Pilsen. I did not want to leave my locker unlocked so I always too my lock key with me into the shower. They towels they gave us barely covered any of my glory but it was okay because I used to work out at 6AM, where the only two people working out would be me and the old naked guy. So one day I forget my key inside the locker and there’s no one there. The only person working at this time is a 16 year old girl and the front desk is right outside the men’s locker room. Did I mention this gym was crappy?

    So I stand there naked, except for a tiny towel in the middle of the locker room. The locker opens up just a tiny bit but not enough for me to reach my key. I can, however, reach my headphones. So I dig them out. These are the kind of headphones that people used for running/gym where there’s a sort of hook around your ear. I try for maybe 10 minutes to hook my keys up with headphones when I remember I have a work meeting right at 9. There’s still no one there but I have to go soon so I open the door 1/4 of an inch and tell the girl my situation. Anyways, it takes another 15 minutes for the guy with the bolt cutters to get there, just as I finally hook my keys and let out a big “YES!!!!” He looks at me and immediately walks right back out.

    The point of the story is always use a combination lock at the gym.

  20. I love that guy around 1:40 who’s like, “Whoops! I forgot about that very important staring-out-the-window business I must attend to.”

    • On the other hand, the two guys in the hallway upstairs have encountered far too many panicky hotel nudists to feel it necessary to alter their trajectory in any way whatsoever.

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