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As you know, a remake of The Karate Kid is currently in production, because your childhood is meaningless, and Will Smith’s son Jaden needs a new pair of diamond aquasocks. Obviously, a remake of The Karate Kid starring Jaden Smith already sounds like a terrible idea. But new details about the project have been circulating today, and it’s like they always say, the terrible is in the details. /Film sums it up nice enough:

Moviehole has learned some new details about the Will Smith-produced reimagining of The Karate Kid. The film’s plot is broadly the same as the original 1984 film, but with many little differences. The Daniel Larusso character, played by Jaden Smith, has been renamed Dre (I kid you not) and is a skateboarding video game buff. With the fear of layoffs looming over her U.S. job, Dre’s single mother accepts an offer to transfer to the China office. Of course, unable to speak Chinese, Dre finds it hard to settle in, and gets beat up by the local bully.

The Mr. Myiagi character has been renamed Mr. Han, played by Jackie Chan, spots a black-eyed Dre practicing martial-arts kicks as part of a Wii-style video game and agrees to teach him both martial arts and Chinese. The John Kreese’ character has been renamed Li Quan Ha, and is now the owner of the Fighting dragon school of Kung-Fu.

Dre? Jackie Chan as Mr. Miyagi (now Han)? Practicing martial-arts kicks as part of a Wii-style video game? These are not very good details in a movie that already doesn’t need to exist, but I have a feeling we could easily make the movie even worse.

  • Instead of capturing flies with chopsticks as an exercise in focus and control, Mr. Han teaches Dre to shoot the wings off of flies with curving bullets.
  • The Fighting Dragons are all played by white people with horrific fake buck-teeth, Mickey-Rooney-in-Breakfast-at-Tiffany’s-style.
  • Vin Diesel is in it.
  • Instead of dressing up as a shower for Halloween, Dre dresses up as Borat.
  • In the climactic scene at the karate kung fu tournament, Dre prepares to do the crane kick that he has spent months practicing (to a Gwen Stefani original soundtrack) but is killed by his opponent’s hadouken*.
  • Mr. Han is constantly talking about how much he loves Subway sandwiches and what a great deal Subway is, and half the movie takes place in a Subway (and the other half takes place in a can of Coke Zero).
  • Dre wakes up and it was all just a dream.

I think you have to admit that all of my joke ideas are very very bad.

*Obviously, this would actually be great, and so much better than however this stupid movie is actually going to end.

Comments (40)
  1. I needed to lay down after that aquasocks reference. OD’ing on awesome.

  2. i kno kung foo!! dats frum da matrix, one of my faverite moves because it s awsome!!

  3. Instead of going up against Cobra Kai at the end, he has to fight a Cobra Pie. He has to fight a pie of cobras. A Cobra Pie. You know.

    • sweep the leg  |   Posted on May 6th, 2009 +15

      I smell a crossover.. “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MUTHAF***IN SNAKES IN THIS MUTHAF***IN PIE!!”

  4. Or, instead of Cobra Kai, Dre has to dance-fight Simon van Kempen and/or ward off his non-committal homosexual advances.

  5. How about they get Samuel L. Jackson to show up playing Sho’nuff. Oh wait, they’re already ruining that movie as well.

  6. Or how about at the end instead of using all of his kung fu training, it turns out that the final battle is fought using a Wii-style video game? That way everyone wastes their time on this remake, including the characters. Everybody wins.

  7. This movie is going to be the worst no matter what, so for me the worstest thing would be a sequel: 2 Karate 2 Kid.

  8. This is going to be the worst…around.

  9. Animated dream sequence featuring Seth McFarlane as ‘the absent father’.

  10. rowdy_1313  |   Posted on May 6th, 2009 +17

    Why isn’t Chris Tucker playing the Karate Kid?

  11. What about Hillary Swank?

  12. His love interest could be played by the lip-syncing “cute little girl” from the Olympics opening ceremonies.

  13. sweep the leg  |   Posted on May 6th, 2009 +9

    Replace “Sweep the leg” with “Kick his nards”?

  14. blah  |   Posted on May 6th, 2009 +23

    The ‘wax on, wax off’ maneuver will be reduced to some pathetic DJ scratching thing. Cuz we all know this movie is street.

  15. monkey  |   Posted on May 6th, 2009 -20

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  16. Instead of learning the Crane Kick, Dre will be taught the deadly secrets of Tae-Bo by Han’s friend Billy Blanks!

  17. I just want to know who will be the Zabka character. It better not be a nobody and the same actor better be working on a “Just One Of the Guys” remake. That’s about the only thing left to get right.

  18. Persistent Cat  |   Posted on May 6th, 2009 +15

    Does it even bother them that karate is Japanese and kung fu is Chinese?

  19. sweep the leg  |   Posted on May 6th, 2009 +2

    Entire soundtrack by Wicked Wisdom..

  20. Let’s make it better. Give dre some fuckin GUNS!

  21. Um, do I sense a Karate Kid themed Will Smith music video? Double Platinum

  22. Dre catches Swine Flu and merely sneezes on the Cobra Kai to defeat them.

  23. I guess no one but Solange names black kids Daniel anymore.

  24. TD  |   Posted on May 7th, 2009 +2

    Everything else sounds awful, but I love Jackie Chan. I’m conflicted.

  25. Liam  |   Posted on May 7th, 2009 +4

    instead of being taught kung-fu by Jackie Chan, he’s taught the Lambada…THE FORBIDDEN DANCE!

  26. Turn the movie into a vehicle for sub-style Hot Pockets.
    “Wax on, wax… sub-style Hot Pockets.”
    It will be a blockbuster.

  27. Van. Damme.

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