Ladies, I have some bad news: your favorite living dildo and star of the film Remember Me, Robert Pattinson, is totally that guy at the party. He probably doesn’t even say anything as he picks up the acoustic guitar, just casually takes it and starts strumming gently, as if to say, I just happen to have found this guitar but any one of us would have picked it up eventually because picking up an acoustic guitar at a party and gently strumming it is human nature and something we all do at one time or another. Uh, no, Robert Pattinson, almost no one picks up the guitar at the party unless they are totally THAT guy at the party. Then he’s like, “What’s that? Actually, no, I’ve never really taken any lessons, I mean not formally or anything. People have taught me a few chords here and there in my wanderings of this crazy blue marble called Spaceship Earth. But mostly I just have a bit of a knack for it I guess.” Suddenly everyone is shooting looks at each other over the quinoa like, did you ask him to explain why he’s playing the guitar? Because I figured if no one said anything maybe he would stop. (Although no one will be able to confirm it, it will be no less true that Robert Pattinson was answering questions that no one actually asked about his acoustic guitar playing.) Then he starts asking if there are any requests. Uh, no, of course there are no requests. Until you realize that if Robert Pattinson is totally THAT guy at the party, the girl sitting next to them is totally THAT girl, and now the two of them are off to the races. OH BLOODY HELL, INDEED.

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This clip reminds me of my favorite David Sedaris quote, from Barrel Fever:

The real life of the party is flattened beneath the bed, taping actual sex encounters, not sitting cross-legged on the floor with a guitar, embarrassing himself and others.

Seriously. Who invited Robert Pattinson?!

Comments (21)
  1. Question: if everybody at the party is “that” guy at the party, is no one “that” guy at the party? Is there even a party?

  2. THAT girl is also the one who sings beautiful slow songs on drunk karaoke night while everyone else is air guitaring Bohemian Rhapsody.

  3. I’m more concerned about the girl singing. Why does she keep grabbing her head? Does she have a headache? Is she trying to drown out the sound of her own voice? Robert, put down your guitar and help the poor girl!

    • He’s been conditioned to ignore compulsive hair-touching/head grabbing since dating Kristen. He seems to be like moth to the awkward hair-touching flame though.

  4. The cellist is the 1%’s recorder.

  5. If by “that” guy you mean the guy with the fake British accent who is trying to look all cute because of it then yeah.

  6. the Robert Pattinson Guitar Party was going well until That Guy spotted a cello in the living room and made everyone uncomfortable.

  7. Somewhat related: There was this douchey kid who went to my college that dressed like a parody of your dad’s idea of a rock n roll star and constantly played almost exclusively Oasis on his acoustic guitar in annoying places, like the stairwell of our dorm every day. I was once at a party in this really grimey apartment and he walked past in a tight leather jacket, a skinny tie, and a button down tucked in to his STRIPED pants. I can be obnoxious when drunk, so when he walked by me I said “And the award for best dressed at the party goes to…” and he just fucking LOST it. Got all up in my face about it and went on for about ten minutes despite me apologizing and saying it was just a joke and when he finally calmed down my friend was like “how about you guys shake hands” and I extended my hand and he just yelled “ITS NOT ABOUT SHAKING HANDS!!” and that is easily one of my favorite things anyone has ever said to me.

    • Was it actually a Gallagher brother? They’re have a pretty short fuse and they know the whole Oasis catalog by heart.

    • Speaking of handshakes that went awry: I was in rural Vermont one evening eating at this pizza joint an hour away from my girlfriend’s parents house. There was a table tennis tournament that seemed fun and lighthearted. Not the case. I ping-pong’d against the most hipster kid in Vermont: a maybe-hispanic twentysomething with hair down to his butt and a backwards trucker hat on, wearing a Job For a Cowboy (metal band) t-shirt and skinny jeans. He and his friend were making fun of everyone for participating, and everyone I suppose is anyone from 21-30 who lived in that town. They were smirking and telling jokes about what people were wearing, etc. So at one point we were up against each other and I beat him pretty quickly, and every time I got a point, he would OUT LOUD say something like “heh, whatever, this is lame anywayz” and then I beat him 11-2 and for entire evening the competitors would shake hands after the match, but this guy literally went to reach for my extended hand and missed it and wiped his hair back instead. Everyone was shocked at how rude that was. I didn’t care all that much but for the rest of the night, the guy seemed very tense like he had just committed a crime. Awkward!

  8. What else could you really expect from a party that serves quinoa?

  9. Speaking of Barrel Fever, the whole thing is great but I especially loved Trish Moody’s suicide note to be read at her funeral, you can read the whole thing at

    http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/11/transcript

    it’s in Act 4, called “The Last Time You’ll Ever Hear From Me”

  10. THAT girl is the worst. Those are the kind of people who offer to sing you a song in your kitchen in the middle of a normal conversation about nothing to do with singing while you casually try to ignore them and pretend you’re not completely uncomfortable as you do the dishes.

  11. I’ve reported on this before, but it is relevant. I’ve been to a party where Robert Pattinson was in attendance and I found him to be a really nice fellow. He even paid for my cab. Watching this video does make me glad there wasn’t an acoustic guitar around, but I’m still on team Robert Pattinson. Are his movies any good? Are they, fellas?

  12. I’ve met him as well and he was really nice, self deprecating and friendly. F- the haters. I love this guy with or without the guitar.

  13. Good on him. people are so stuck up and will only play if they are “professionally” trained. screw that. music is for parties, it’s good fun to sit in the kitchen and sing and play whether you are any good or not. the point is to have fun, not sit around with a stick up your arse….

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