Deadline Hollywood reported late yesterday afternoon that Megan Fox would be returning to Michael Bay Town aboard the Ninja Turtles Express. (A quick recap for those of you who aren’t already snoring because this is such old news for you and blogs are for grandmas and everything’s a Tweet now: Michael Bay is making a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. He fired Megan Fox from the Transformers sequel after she said mean things about him in an interview. OK. Phew.) Anyway, this is obviously GREAT news for all of the Megan Fox heads out there, although I bet some of the Michael Bay heads are a little disappointed. “Are you really going to let her talk about you like that and get away with it, bro?! And to think I have looked up to you ever since I was a kid reading your issue of Cigar Aficionado.” The question now, of course, is WHICH TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE WILL MEGAN FOX PLAY?! Oh wait, did you think that she was going to play April O’Neil? Come on, nerd! It’s 2013. Gender is for assholes, am I right? OK, but so which one? She’s obviously not playing Michelangelo because everyone hates Michelangelo. I’m sure he’ll be played by, like, Philip Seymour Hoffman or Paul Giamatti. (Those are both great actors, obviously. They are the only ones who can truly bring the misery and despair of Michelangelo to life.) I also think it’s unlikely she would play Donatello, as he is supposed to be a scientist and inventor, and frankly, I mean, I know they put Keanu Reeves in a Harvard sweatshirt in Chain Reaction and that was supposed to convince us he was a genius, but that was 17 years ago and didn’t work then either. That leaves Leonardo, which is perfect. He is the fearless leader, and definitely the most fuckable of all of the Turtles. “I’m sorry, Michael, but are you sure that my character should be eating pizza? Don’t you think a turtle who lived in the sewer would prefer a kale smoothie and a mentholated cigarette?” Haha, oh Megan! Now, if we can just get Kate Upton to play Shredder, that will really bring all of my Leonardo/Shredder slash fiction to life. YOU JUST SIT THERE AND WATCH, KRANG.

Comments (28)
  1. I think she should play new Turtle John Singer Sargent, the sexiest and most scandalous of all the Turtles.

  2. I think she should play either Flo or Eddie. Lawblog knows what I’m talking about. #zappajokes

  3. Baxter Stockman cuz she is fly.

  4. Megan Fox IS Leonardo
    James Franco IS Donatello
    Tommy Wiseau IS Michelangelo
    Maggie Smith IS Raphael

  5. I’ve got Krang casted!

  6. RT @CHETHAZE Ayo. I heard Megan Fox got cast in the Ninja Turtles movie. She must be playin’ Baxter Stockman ‘cuz she’s fly.

  7. Splinter, obvs

  8. I bet some nerds are all like, “WHat?!?! A girl ninja turtle!??! That’s bullshit!” But then are also like, “But Megan Fox is hot!!?!I want to see her dressed as a ninja turtle!!!! I don’t understand my feelings right now?!??!?”

    End scene.

  9. Courtney Stodden as Mondo Gecko?

  10. Michael Bay really knows his target audience: 6th graders who’ve just learned how to masturbate.

  11. I vote for either Bebop or Rocksteady. But I can also see a young Casey Jones.

  12. Guys, I think we all know who should, nay MUST be in this movie:

  13. Justin Bieber has to be in this, he’s been eating pizza on a skateboard for years now

  14. Hopefully she’ll play the one with the LEAST screen time.

  15. What, everyone loves Michaelangelo, Gabe. Are you thinking of Raphael? Who I had a little bit of a weird crush on when I was a child?

  16. Leonardon’t

  17. um, HELLOO? #thenextmutation

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.