Word got out yesterday that Shia LaBeouf had withdrawn from what would have been his Broadway debut, a revival of Orphans also featuring Alec Baldwin. (His role will be taken over by Ben Foster, which sounds great. Right? I will not be seeing this, no doy, so it doesn’t matter at all, but Ben Foster sounds good!) Because this is the life the time we were born into and the celebrities we’ve created, Shia LaBeouf then Tweeted a screen shot of the email apology he sent to Alec Baldwin and, director or Orphans, David Sullivan, which was (as pointed out by NYTimes contributor David Itzkoff) nearly entirely plagiarized from a 2009 Esquire article titled “What Is a Man.” Hahaha. DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH. Plz read his email apology that he shared on Twitter. It is, as Borat would say, “VERY NICE!” So much of this makes total sense and I love it to death, but I do have a few questions:

  • What?
  • How nice is your home?
  • Do you go on vacation a lot?
  • Are you too weird to enjoy how often you get to go on vacation, or do you get it?
  • What is the last thing you ate that you thought was really good?
  • Why did you do that thing with the Esquire essay?
  • Do you have a lot of nice skin and hair products, and were they gifted to you or did you have to buy them?
  • How do you feel when you wake up in the morning, usually? (Follow up: How nice are your sheets?)
  • Did you think it wasn’t a big deal to copy the whole thing and send it as an apology because maybe people would just assume that you meant to copy it and you weren’t trying to pass it off as your own?
  • If you thought that: Why did you think that? It seems like you tried to make it seem like you wrote it and you learned these things from your dad?
  • Why didn’t you change any of the words?
  • How nice are the pants you’re wearing currently?
  • Are you happy?

Thank you, Shia. PLZ let me know at your earliest convenience.

Comments (20)
  1. So does this mean he’s into his mom AND dad sexually?

  2. • Where do you get your ideas?

    Oh, right, Esquire.

  3. Dear Alec,

    Sorry for all the trouble. Let’s just call it Even Stevens.

    -Shia

    Please consider this my application for Mr. Labeouf’s new PR manager.

    • seems like he’s really dug himself into a hole with this one. because holes? *a giant cane emerges and yanks me out of this thread by my neck*

    • Forgive me if I’ve told this story a hundred times, but it’s my second-best Shia LeBeouf story. Ten years ago my roommate and I saw him in the parking lot of a diner at like 3 or 4 am and we drove by him yelling “EVEN STEVENS! EVEN STEVENS!” over and over. He didn’t seem amused.

  4. I can’t be the only one to be less disturbed by the plagiarism then the knowledge that he really told this other guy “I’m a different breed,” but seriously, not as a joke. Like he really meant it. Like a line from a bad movie, but it was from real life and he really said it to someone.

    • I think he meant it in the “massive tantruming stubborn childish asshole” way? Perhaps? Though presumably he wouldn’t choose those exact words.

  5. Also a (hu)man doesn’t tweet private emails.

  6. If I got that email, I’d assume it was a copy & paste and that the sender and author were both jackasses. But mainly what irks me about it? The way after all its windup, the last line yanks the apology-football right out of view, Lucy style:

    He can apologize, even if sometimes it’s just to put an end to the bickering.

    In other words, I’m not actually apologizing — in the sense that I recognize I did something I wish I hadn’t done and I’m asking to be forgiven for it. Nope! I just don’t feel like talking to you anymore about this.

    What a little douche.

    (Arguably he sets that up at the start, though, with his “poor me” line — I’m assuming this one’s not plagiarized — about his dad being a drug dealer. Who begins an apology by saying “We’ve been fighting, I know I know, just keep in mind I didn’t have your advantages, my dad was no good, I feel like my whole life people have been fighting me” — WHO? I mean he launches his apology with self-pity like that, I should have known it would end in being self-serving and not an apology. But does he really think he DID apologize? Or does he idiotically think he is a MASTER at manipulation? Ugh, this has addiction issues written the hell all over it.)

    Okay, obviously I am all worked up now, and here’s the thing: I have known so many people who were super talented, smart and decent, and they did not become movie stars (some tried, and couldn’t even land commercials). And here’s a guy who’s not super talented, not really good-looking, has no natural charisma that I can detect, and is such a huge douche that he can’t hide it even for a sentence — and HE made it. How?? This might sound like sour grapes but I swear I am ASKING FOR A FRIEND. Anyone who meets this guy should run. Instead a whooole bunch of deciders agreed: back up the money truck! Make him globally recognizable!

    In conclusion: ??????????

    • Seriously, asking for a friend. I never tried to be an actor. But I have friends who tried/are trying and I don’t get it. Some of them have been really great and yet their career peaks were six weekends as Trinculo at the Pasadena Playhouse and five lines as Concerned Dad on Grey’s Anatomy. It’s weird.

      • Even Stevens was really an amazing show. I am a reluctant Shia lover because of Even Stevens only. I feel for him like I might feel for my little brother who is obviously a horrible person in his adulthood, but who I remember as an adorable child who figured prominently in many happy memories. I don’t really want to see him now and I can’t explain and or approve of his current actions, but I wish him well in the future. I don’t know what to tell your actor friends, though. Life sucks. :(

  7. was just wondering if shia had plagiarized anything recently. feels really great to know the answer.

  8. Juliana. true that Robert`s stori is terrific… last saturday I bought a new Chevrolet from making $4068 this – 4 weeks past and-even more than, ten-k lass month. it’s definitly the most-rewarding I’ve ever had. I started this 7-months ago and immediately was bringin in minimum $83, per-hour. I use this website,……… BIT40.ℂOℳ

  9. Let’s just talk more about Ben Foster – star of the best show called Flash Forward (sorry Joseph Fiennes, second best Flash Forward & second best Fiennes? Maybe next time buddy). But by talk about I really just mean GIS Ben Foster.

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