Aw, Mike Stefanik. Let me start off this consoling session by letting you know that I do not know who you are. (To clarify, I do know that you are a NASCAR driver and I do know you lost this race to Steve Park [I also do not know who he is], but outside of the knowledge I’ve gleaned from this video, to me you are like any other sad baby sitting on the back of a white pickup truck waiting to be consoled.) I’m sorry about your loss. It looks like you were dealt a rotten hand, Mike Stefanik, you poor baby. One thing you’ve got to remember is that the game of racing cars is not a game you can win all of the time. Just like the track, there are twists and turns. Ebbs and flows. Places where you should speed up, places where you should slow down, and places where you should run into somebody to finally give the crowd what they want. Sure, you could’ve driven faster and more accurately than Steve Park, which would have assured you the win, but that’s just not the “Mike Stefanik” way, is it? Is it, Mike? No, sweetheart. There, there.

(Headphones up!)

People can’t help who they are and all you are is Mike Stefanik, the little sweet angel with broken wings who doesn’t seem to understand how to WIN A GODDAMN RACE, OR WHATEVER. Let’s go get some warm milk. (Via Buzzfeed.)

Comments (9)
  1. Just another day at the NASCAR track.

  2. On a scale of 1 to 10, how fired would I be if i tried to listen to this at work? 10 is super fired.

  3. Well, at least we know how to cheer him up:

  4. Can’t you say bullshit on TV now? Except on Comedy Central, of course.

  5. His sour-puss face is inspirational. I want to look that pissed off all the time cuz that’s usually how I feel!

  6. Hey Mister ‘Apologising For Mike Stefanik’s Language’….Never be apologising for Mike Stefanik’s language. Mike Stefanik’s language has just made you a Star.

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