Uggggggggggghhhhhhh. This always happens! Some idiot strikes it big with YOUR IDEA (or, more specifically, an idea that you easily could have had) and makes a bunch of big bucks (or, more specifically, little bucks but also an AP web segment about his business) just because you never actually got around to putting the idea into action (or thinking of it). You’ve sat around with your buddies talking about sex and condoms A BILLION TIMES! You’ve been in the situation where you needed a condom but couldn’t get to the store to buy one MULTIPLE TIMES! You live in a dorm, or close to a dorm because you are IN COLLEGE! You have a hat with a flashing light on it that you could use while you run condoms to the doors of whomever needs them, even though you really shouldn’t — I mean, you definitely shouldn’t, because I feel like that would hurt your business a lot more than it would HELP IT! WHY AREN’T YOU THIS KID WITH THE EMERGENCY CONDOM DELIVERY SERVICE?!

UGH. A pack of condoms for $15? THAT COULD BE YOUR MARK-UP! Having to get out of bed at 4AM to deliver them to some kid who wants condoms (and also his date), which is fine enough, that’s the business that he’s chosen and it’s not a bad idea, but having to do it all wearing a ridiculous hat of your own volition? THAT COULD BE THE THING YOU DO, SLIGHTLY INCORRECTLY! Ugggghh. Never again! Next time, you will get the condom idea! (Via Gawker.)

Comments (48)
  1. Fine but what is the return policy?

  2. Maybe I can still start my emergency tampon service, for when your girlfriend is all PMS-y. This guy got a blog post on Videogum, but I’m aiming for Jezebel.

    • I would use this service.

      • As would I, as long as you put a giant flashing red light on your head and announced to pretty much everyone around me that you’re delivering my emergency tampon.

      • Can you get female delivery people so they can just slip it to me under the bathroom stall? Ladies, you know what I’m talking about!!

        Also, maybe install a button in all women’s bathroom stalls so we can just press the button, and not have to bring our phones with us everywhere? Oh man, can I just be your business partner? I’m getting so many great ideas!!!

        • There should be, like, some sort of vending machine where you put in $.50 and twist a little knob and a tampon comes out. Man, I can’t believe I never thought of that before! I’m off to every rest stop to start installing these!!!!!!!!!!!!

          • Sometimes I don’t have quarters! My life is hard!

          • I understand you, flanny. On the Venn diagram of Tampon Vending Machine vs. The Need For A Tampon Vending Machine vs. Quarters, it is just three separate circles.

          • The only time I have ever needed a tampon and had my quarters, that fucker was empty.

          • In undergrad there was one in the library restroom, but turns out they simply stopped refilling them. Then the problem went from “Machine, where are my maxipads?!” to “Give me my money back!” and prying my quarters from its steel jaws. They were merely showpieces.

            Maybe the university implemented a sneaky tactic to get us to donate money a la Moe Szyslak “We can have actual pretzels, instead of ‘trompe-l’oeil’ing them on the bar.”

      • Oh hell yes. There is nothing worse than being caught off guard, amirite? (Answer: there are worse things but it still sucks a looooooooot).

      • They really need a service for this but with Fleet enemas instead. For those of you that don’t know what I’m talking about, too bad I’m not explaining. But I would pay for that service.

    • Can you deliver other stuff to? So instead of her only sometimes baking brownies while on her period, you deliver the brownie mix and she always does it? Brownies once a month sounds awesome.

      • I don’t think you were paying attention when your bros explained to you the importance of going for the brownie when she’s on the rag (holy crap you guys I am so so so sorry about this).

        • I do not think less of you facetaco. I reworded multiple times in order to move away from possible “brownie” jokes and you went for it anyways. That’s you, always going for the brownie.

          Besides, my housemate expressed her joy over there being brownies in the house by calling them “period brownies” before we both paused in horror.

  3. I’m creating a service where you get to call a hotline and tell the operator that you are about to have sex. If you want, we can also twitter it, and post it on Facebook.

    • “I’m getting laid for sure” – everyone in this video.

    • I mean the REAL way to get condoms is to go to a store where no one is likely to know you, then buy gum or toothpaste and oh by the way might as well maybe I need condoms, throw those in.

      • Stop watching me while I go shopping, please.

      • I prefer to buy a bottle of Wild Irish Rose and the biggest pack of condoms available and just make unwavering eye contact with the checkout person during the entire transaction.

        • The store by my old place had an assortment of “erotic incense”, so my roommate and I would always buy some whenever we went for condoms. We left that house with a drawer full of “black moan” and “pussy” and “pleasure train” (not making up these names, and no idea what they smell like because we were too scared to open the packs)

          • I saw some of these the other day at a gas station. There was seriously one called “Black People.” I thought that was strange. And racist. Probably racist.

          • I imagine a very traumatic Harry Potter-style surprise when you light the “Pleasure Train” incense, like a dick-shaped train barrelling through your wall. Similar surprises would accompany the rest: “Black moan” would be the soulful wailing of slave spirituals and/or black ooze seeping out of the walls and moaning lowly; “Pussy” would be a cat.

      • I just remembered that when I was in college I had a second summer job at a grocery store, and once I was working the late shift, so I was the only register open. And so the young man buying Reece’s Pieces and condoms had no choice but to come to me, a lady his own age. We were both very embarrassed and careful not to look at each other.

        • My friend had a job at the Kum and Go (Iowa!!! What a state!!!) convenience store and would card everyone buying condoms and/or pornography, regardless of age. Never carded for beer or ephedrine or cigarettes, just condoms and/or pornography.

        • truecondomconfessionsgum: I came out after moving away from my smallish hometown (because that’s what you did back in those days, kids). But when i did live there, the lady formerly known as Ms Flask and i did all of our grocery shopping at the one store that was always open, and the regular cashier knew us by name (like i said, smallish hometown). I took a trip back for a funeral or wedding or something, where i met a fella and we needed protection. Of course only one store was open and only one cashier was working and they kept the condoms behind glass like the good booze or jewelery so you had to ask for assistance. I don’t think i have ever felt such a hateful gaze in all my life.

  4. Dibs on doing the same exact thing except more discreetly (minus the hat) for a VIP vibe!!!!

  5. This guy’s liability is gonna be pretty high; one broken condom leading to an accidental pregnancy, and he’ll lose everything. Hope he has good insurance. The premiums for this type of business would be pretty high, but if anybody knows the importance of being protected, it’s this guy.

  6. Don’t care. I don’t use them.

  7. This thread is my valentine. <3

  8. The wacky emergency hat belies his sober tone throughout the interview. It’s one or the other, guy! We need a stable brand identity!

  9. If you think Rose`s story is terrific…, 5 weaks-ago my girlfriends brother also made the small fortune of $5418 workin seventeen hours a week in their apartment and the’re roomate’s aunt`s neighbour has done this for five months and got a cheque for over $5418 part-time from a computer. apply the tips at this site…….. BIT40.ℂOℳ

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