Kelly: Hey, Gabe!
Gabe: hey kelly
Kelly: Happy early Valentine’s Day.
Gabe: thank you SO much
Kelly: You’re so so so welcome.
Gabe: the same to you
Gabe: blessed be the holy day
Kelly: Amen
Gabe: are you doing anything fun for valentine’s day?
Gabe: crying?
Gabe: bridget jones’s diary 2?
Gabe: chocolate?
Gabe: teddy bear?
Gabe: i know all about this stuff
Kelly: I have a lot of big plans.
Kelly: It’s supposed to snow here in New York so I’m planning on getting up very early
Kelly: Going outside
Kelly: Digging a hole
Kelly: And saying in there until the snow buries me alive.
Gabe: v. romantic
Kelly: It’s going to be very nice!

Kelly: So if you’re planning on sending me flowers put a note in to make sure they throw them in the snow dirt
Kelly: Do you have plans?
Kelly: Seeing Die Hard?
Kelly: Pretending you don’t know it’s Valentine’s Day?
Gabe: i’m taking Birdie to see Die Hard
Kelly: Are you going to get her a special v-day treat
Gabe: i rented out Tiffany’s
Gabe: and she gets to pick one thing
Kelly: omg that’s so romantic
Gabe: and then afterwards
Gabe: i will take her straight to the vet
Gabe: to have the thing she picked
Gabe: removed from her stomach
Gabe: before it kills her
Gabe: because she will def have eaten it
Kelly: Hahah I was going to say
Kelly: You can even get your money back after she digests it
Kelly: I didn’t say it because I thought it would be too gross but here we are and I did say it
Gabe: keep the receipt!
Gabe: that’s what i say
Gabe: about valentine’s day
Gabe: keep those receipts!
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: :(
Gabe: wait, but for real
Gabe: what movie are you going to watch
Gabe: all alone in your pajamas?
Gabe: for saint valentine’s day?
Kelly: Perks of Being A Wallflower on demand.
Gabe: you and your boyfriend should watch
Gabe: The Exotic Marigold Hotel
Gabe: and you can turn to him
Gabe: and say
Gabe: “if everything works out as well between us as it possibly can, we will be like these guys one day”
Kelly: hahahaha
Gabe: i have no idea what happens in that movie
Gabe: it’s Hotel For Dogs
Gabe: but with old people?
Kelly: Right, I think
Kelly: And Dev Patel jumps on furniture

Kelly: That sounds good.
Kelly: And then I’ll say, “Which of us will die first, do you think?”
Kelly: “I think you, but I HOPE me.”
Gabe: haha
Gabe: your man will love that
Gabe: probably the most romantic valentine’s day movie date you can have
Gabe: is watching Irreversible
Gabe: and then you turn to them and say
Gabe: “I would bash the wrong person’s face in with a fire extinguisher in an S&M night club for you, my one and only”
Gabe: the most important thing when picking a romantic valentine’s day move date movie
Gabe: is knowing exactly what you are going to say to them
Gabe: when you turn to them
Kelly: hahahaha
Kelly: Exactly
Kelly: Another good choice would be to watch The Good Son, which is on Netflix currently.
Kelly: And when it ends turn to them and say,
Kelly: “If our son is a psychopath, I’ll drop him off of a cliff.”

Gabe: yes
Gabe: or We Need To Talk About Kevin
Gabe: and then you turn to them
Gabe: and you say
Kelly: hhahahaAHHHH
Gabe: i mean, to be fair
Gabe: an ideal Valentine’s Day movie date
Gabe: involves watching ANY movie
Gabe: and then turning to them
Gabe: and saying
Kelly: Yes. Not that we have to say that, as it is in every Valentine’s Day guide in women’s magazines.
Kelly: What Men REALLY Want
Kelly: (But Are Too Afraid To Tell You!)
Kelly: And then it is just a list of things they want you to yell at them after you watch a movie on Valentine’s Day.
Gabe: you should watch House of Cards for Valentine’s Day
Kelly: Ugh don’t even
Gabe: you should watch last week’s episode of Girls for Valentine’s Day
Gabe: and then write about it
Gabe: not for Videogum
Gabe: just on a piece of apper
Gabe: that you throw away when you’re done
Kelly: I feel like you’re not being totally serious with that suggestion, but it DOES sound like I would learn a lot about myself.
Kelly: So thank you, I will do it!
Gabe: House of Cards? great!
Kelly: Noooooooo!
Gabe: you will love it, it’s so good
Gabe: unless you are an idiot
Gabe: OR
Gabe: you could watch You Can Count on Me
Gabe: give it another chance
Gabe: i feel like it’s been a couple years, maybe you won’t hate it this time around
Kelly: I hate everything you’re saying
Kelly: You know what you should watch on Valentine’s Day?
Kelly: “Thrift Shop” parodies

Kelly: That’s what you should watch!!!!!
Kelly: You Can Count On Me is my favorite movie though and maybe I will watch it this weekend.
Gabe: no one’s talking about your weekend, Kelly
Kelly: Oh, my weekend?
Kelly: My birthday weekend?
Kelly: Yeah maybe then I’ll watch it.
Gabe: you know what you should watch for your birthday?
Kelly: The Throne?
Gabe: UGH
Kelly: haaaaAHAHHAhahahahha
Kelly: :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
Kelly: My other favorite movie is Buffalo ’66
Kelly: Which is a great Valentine’s Day movie, I’d recommend that one
Kelly: If someone asked
Kelly: “Hey, let me have one of these, uh, let me have a heart cookie, too.”
Gabe: is that what you’re going to put on your resume?
Kelly: :( :( !!!!
Gabe: Skills: recommending Buffalo 66 for Valentine’s Day
Kelly: It’s not a bad skill though
Gabe: Objective: to not be fired anymore
Kelly: hahaha
Gabe: Experience: none.
Kelly: :’(
Gabe: and then you turn to the person interviewing you
Gabe: and you say

(Couple image via Shutterstock.)

Comments (24)
  1. My ideal Valentine’s movie date would be watching Gerry, and at the end I turn to my date and say “WAKE UP, YOU PHILISTINE!!!”

    • In Elephant, they play “Gerry: The Video Game” where they walk around the desert blowing Gerrys away with machine guns. It was a very funny inside joke for the 30 of us that saw Gerry in a depressing movie.

  2. i’m playing in a valentine’s day cover band show, so i don’t have to worry about anything other than getting really drunk and acting like courtney love. which is OBVIOUSLY going to get me ALL THE DATES after the show.

    related: it was mardi gras yesterday and i drank for 12 hours straight and actually think i broke things inside of my body, like bones and several important internal organs.

  3. Happy Birthday Kelly!

  4. I might go the aquarium because “hey cool! an aquarium!” but also because maybe Clive Owen will be there. He’s got to be *somewhere* right?

  5. I’m going to watch Die Hardest, but I wish that I was going to watch the Highlander movies instead because I already watched them in the summer and wrote down all the romantic things about them to make Highlander-themed Valentine’s cards for everyone. So I could just skip the cards and say all the romantic things I’d written ahead of time, like “You’re the one that there can only be” and “I built you a really sub-par castle, Valentine” and “Let’s Gather, you’re giving me a raging Quickening.”

  6. I plan to either have a regular day (with the added bonus of laughing at the people in the card aisles at target) or be furious and miserable. To be fair though, the latter option depends not on valentines day but on whether I get home to a fixed toilet or not. Guys, learn from this: toilets are kind of non-negotiable. Not having one is very very unpleasant.

    ALTHOUGH if I find a valentine, they’ll HAVE to let me use their toilet. Because ROMANCE.

  7. I bring up the cliff scene of The Good Son VERY frequently in my life.

  8. Second time I’ve googled “bridget jones gif” today. V. proud day. Seriously, though, I might watch Bridget Jones.

  9. I read a story in the weird news section where a guy got in big trouble for bourting a Lancia Straton. I’m not looking at anything you tell me to look at buddy.

  10. I already bought a ticket for the 8:05 pm showing of Die Hard 5 in Culver City tomorrow night. All LA monsters are welcome to join me. I’ll be the woman sitting alone, sneaking whiskey into my soda cup.

  11. Who is that creepy guy with Emma Thompson?

  12. I’m going to dinner with Mr. Truck! It’s going to be great I bet! Related…it’s my birthday tomorrow! Today is the last day of my 20s and I had a great day and I’m sure tomorrow is going to be great too! I’m excited for 30 you guys!!!

  13. I got married in November to a Brit and we’re still apart while waiting on visa stuff to happen, so no hubby, no date, and a pint of ice cream for me!

    Even worse, We Need to Talk About Kevin is a movie I really, really wanted to see and then totally forgot about, and then you reminded me, so I looked, and it’s not streaming on Netflix.

    Still better than last year when I had a tooth pulled, tho.

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