I’m not sure why untalented people whose only ambition in life is to be famous and who are willing to do anything and everything to achieve this goal because they don’t differentiate between forms or degrees of attention all want to have a music video, too. You never hear about the Heidi Montags, Paris Hiltons, or Courtney Stoddens of the world having a one woman show at some photo gallery, or trying their hand at stand up comedy. The obvious answer of course is that these creative forms take a minimum of effort, and do not feature the world’s most important resource: TELEVISION CAMERAS. So I get it. I’m not an idiot. But still, it seems like there has to be more than one way to skin this dead cat. No? Just horrifyingly terrible auto-tuned dance music that even the most molly-ed out club kid who ran away from home because his parents didn’t understand his need for dance would take a bathroom break if it came on, accompanied by an embarrassingly low rent music video that proves the exact opposite of its maker’s intention: that in fact the singer/reality star is desperately alone and without financial or creative resources, and apparently without even the resources of a good friend to say “hey, this is not good, let’s try and think of something else for you to do, because I care about you and your goals are important to me, and I think this is actually going to be a step backwards on your path.” No? Just that? OK! Here we go again then!

How did the pitch for this video go? “So Courtney goes to this party and she sees this total nerd. I mean, this guy is just such a nerd. Not so bad of a nerd that he isn’t at the same rooftop party as the person who is supposedly the opposite of a nerd. He got an invite, too. And he’ll be standing with a group of friends, so he has friends, and he’ll be drinking casually and not seeming particularly uncomfortable, and it’s also worth noting that as soon as Courtney, who our video is positing is one of the sexiest “women” alive, sees him she will immediately go up to him and begin to grind her body against him and also undress him, so yeah, there’s definitely worse nerds out there with crippling social anxiety and little to no sexual charisma much less irresistible sexual charisma, but still: glasses? Uh, nerd alert. Sweater? Swirlie time! But so, Courtney sees this total nerd, and she rapes him. That’s most of the video. It’s kind of weird, I guess, since the only reason anyone even knows who Courtney is is because of the scandalous marriage she made to a much older man, to whom she is still married, so why exactly is she just raping people at a party? Does her husband know? Surely this is putting a strain on the relationship! But anyway, in the video, sometimes when she is not raping a nerd, we will have Courtney on a plywood pallet that says ‘Reality’ on it which is also the name of the song even though it is clear that Courtney has no grasp on actual reality and if it’s a reference to reality TV, which you would almost think makes sense, you then remember that her only real experience with that was as part of an ensemble cast on a little-watched Vh1 show about troubled relationships (see: above) and that hardly makes her NeNe Leakes, or whatever. But back to the pallet: it will be carried by four men in gold masks and undershorts who look like they are about to cry because whatever decision tree they have followed in their lives that has led them to this moment is finally too much. And these sad men will carry the sad pallet down one of the saddest looking streets in all of the world that is just in some fucking neighborhood who even knows, you guys are literally paying me in Lender’s bagels and used XBOX games, so stop being picky.” I bet it was something pretty close to that.

Comments (31)
  1. I am contractually obligated to comment here but I am not going to watch this video. At least, not at work. I should be at home for this, with my TEAM DOURTNEY pennant and Stodden-themed snuggie.

  2. Your move, Katherine Chloe Cahoon.

  3. Courtney Stodden is the Lender’s Bagels of “celebrities.”

  4. The variety of criticisms I have to make about what I just watched are so great as to render me unable to isolate one and form a coherent comment of the quality to which I have become accustomed.

  5. My condolences to all the actors in this video who thought they were landing their first big part.

  6. Why can’t he close his mouth?

  7. “Comments are disabled for this video.” Natch.

  8. So because of work, I can’t listen to the audio and instead watched the video to Solange’s “Some Things Never Seem To Fucking Work” so, you know, I don’t think I really missed all that much content here.

  9. Instead of watching this I just hit myself on the head with a hammer.

  10. If you value your humanity at all you probably don’t want to watch this video, I mean, Gabe summed it up pretty perfectly, he’s sparing you and your soul!

    My only question (actually I have lots of questions because of this video, most of them start with Why?) is how has no one, including Gabe, mentioned the Egypt/pyramids backdrop?! Sexy video, Courtney wanders into a rooftop party of 8 people and immediately rapes a nerd who is secretly a hunk on a roof, Courtney is on a pallet carried by sad gogo dancers, BAM COURTNEY EATING A GIANT LOLLIPOP IN FRONT OF THE PYRAMIDS OF GIZA! That’s about 35 seconds in if you want to spare your eyeballs from watching any more of this than necessary, which is about how far into this video I got.

  11. For those of you who can’t make it to the end: “Prod. Doug Hutchison” — so, yes, her husband knows.

  12. the fuck is up with the useless robe at the end? It doesnt even cover your fronty bits you want covered when you arise from your bed naked and need to run the dogs outside really quick at 6am/rise from your bed naked in order to shoot some bizarre music videos at 6pm

  13. The video would be better if she kept unmasking the hunky nerd, revealing him to be her husband Doug, who after further unmasking is revealed to be Courtney’s dad. Or maybe the golden-masked men just walk under a low bridge and Courtney falls off the pallet. That would be good.

  14. I think we figured out the answer to how she can walk around in lucite heels. When she’s not photographed, she’s being carried in a box by men.

    Sometimes I think that I could do an American Studies / GWS dissertation on the role of fame and gender and power in America with Courtney Stodden as my central figure, but think… nah.

  15. I’m surprised by how not different this is from any of the Brooke Candy videos I’ve seen

  16. Not enough alliteration.

  17. Just the screenshot is enough reality for me.

  18. “Prod. Doug Hutchison” :( :( :(

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