[This is the latest in a series of letters sent by writer Jason Reich to Prof. Joseph Carroll, the imprisoned serial killer played by James Purefoy on FOX’s The Following. The character is fictional. That Reich believes himself to be among Carroll’s fervent acolytes is not.]

Dear Prof. Carroll,

This is a difficult letter for me to write. Mostly because I accidentally sliced a three-inch gash in my forearm while practicing my stabby murder moves in the mirror. But also because I am starting to get a little upset with you. I guess it was good that you had so little screen time this week, because it is hard for me to look you in the face, even though that face is so handsome.

Do you even know what is happening in that (admittedly gorgeous and tastefully decorated) cult house? For three brilliant child kidnappers, Nanny and the Fake Gays certainly do an excellent job of leaving your son unattended. You’re lucky the kid is so well-behaved. Most boys his age are full of inappropriate questions, like “Where’s Mom?” or “What are these not-gay gay guys doing here?” or “Why are we in this big house that isn’t mine and I’m not going to school anymore and I can’t see my family or friends and when are we going home and also there’s an Asian woman screaming in the basement?” But your son shows admirable restraint, so kudos on your child-rearing skills.

But the big shocker this week was that Jacob (Fake Gay #1) has never even killed anyone! He’s only been pretending to be an awesome murder-doer! Nanny is stunned when she finds out, and rightly so. Their relationship is built on trust, and telling your lover you’ve killed someone when you really haven’t is the kind of thing that can tear a couple apart. I’ve seen it happen too many times. Dr. Carroll, how could you let a chump like that in on the fun and leave me out in the cold? Okay, sure, I’ve never murdered anyone either, but I am slowly killing my wife by forcing her to watch this show with me every week, so that’s kind of the same thing.

I’m just saying, you really need to find more reliable people to work with. Follower Maggie totally went rogue this week and held Agent Kevin Bacon’s sister hostage in a restaurant in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I was really looking forward a shootout amidst the hand-packed organic artisinal pickles and mason jars of home-brewed pomegranate kombucha. But no, she just made some (artisinal) magnets to mess with Agent Bacon’s pacemaker. For a minute, I thought he might die, but then I remembered that there are 11 more episodes to go, so he probably wouldn’t. Really, Professor….magnets? At least on Homeland they caused someone to have a heart attack by hacking into the pacemaker database (?). That’s the kind of out-of-the-box implausible killing a man like you should aspire to.

Oh, dammit, Prof. Carroll! I want to be so mad at you, but somehow you always manage to make your devious plans work out! By the end of the episode, Nanny and the Fake Gays are having a fully clothed threesome in the shower, the way normal sexual people do, while Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” played on the soundtrack. Seriously, Prof. Carroll, I don’t know who does the music for this show, but they have an excellent CD library in 1994.

Please, please, please Prof. Carroll, let me do your bidding! As always, I am ready and waiting. Although do you think you could tell me the address of the cult house where Nanny is? My sister asked me to watch the kids this weekend but I have some stuff to do so I thought I might drop them off for a while. That cool?

Your humble servant,

Jason

 

Comments (16)
  1. So we still don’t know if not-gay gay guy killed the prisoner, right? Also, I loved nannie’s shout out to Holy Grail this week.

  2. I think this proves the Pope is a fan, too. He obviously got a sneak preview of this week’s episode, realized how easy it was to use magnets (how do they work???) to mess up his pacemaker, and figured he should trade in for a life out of the spotlight.

  3. “By the end of the episode, Nanny and the Fake Gays are having a fully clothed threesome in the shower, the way normal sexual people do, while Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” played on the soundtrack.”

    This sounds exactly like something that would have happened/for all I know might have happened on The O.C. right down to the song choice.

  4. I’m sorry but I just don’t buy that a kid Jacob’s age hasn’t killed anyone by now.

  5. I am sooooo glad they weren’t holding Kevin Bacon’s sister hostage at a restaurant in Williamsburg, Virginia because if that bitch Maggie kept me from getting in to pint night at the Green Leafe there would be fucking hell to pay. #ColonialWilliamsburgJokes

    • JK I haven’t even lived in Colonial Williamsburg for like 8 years. Pint night isn’t even that good a deal anymore!

      • I know about Pint Night! I’ve been to the Green Leaf! Uh, like 14 years ago. I was there with my whole family for my brother’s graduation from the Local College and we played drinking games and my dad destroyed us at Quarters! Who knew he had that skill?

        I have a Green Leaf mug. That was a truly great bar and great bars are Important.

        • Fun! I brought my parents there for my final pint night before graduation from Local College and they bought me and all of my friends $4 pitchers and all my friends were like “Dude, SG, your parents are awesome!” and I was like “Yep.”

  6. And the magnets Maggie used remind me of those library desensitizing box/bricks, except she painted it red so it looked like an actual brick.

    What if she works in a library and she’s brainwashed every librarian into the Professor Carroll Loves Edgar Allan Poe in Non-homoerotic but Extremely Psychotic Fanfiction Way Club?

    Someone check the public library and tell me if all the books on Poe are checked out!

  7. When Nanny* went into the shower in her bra, that was bad enough (because WHO THE HECK GOES INTO THE SHOWER IN THEIR UNDERTHINGS, not because I wanted to see her topless), but then when Jacob went in wearing all his clothes? Guy! I know you do not know how to kill someone, but do you also not know how to shower? I pretty much decided then and there that I was breaking up with the show, but now I feel like I must keep watching to fully appreciate the wonder of these recaps. That is how good they are. Good enough to keep me watching a show where people shower incorrectly.

    * Referring to the nanny just as “Nanny” makes me think there is a grandma character that I have somehow missed. Maybe that will be the next twist. The kidnapped Asian woman is actually everyone’s grandma and she teaches them all how to shower and now it is just a very good show.

  8. There is no feasible explanation about how all these murders are related to Poe. That is killing me inside because the eye-gouging can be attributed to a bunch of people and birds.

    I thought they were going to do a “Tell-Tale Heart” thing with the pacemaker, but no, they just added it so that people with pacemakers could get a little excited to make the pacemakers do their job of course.

    Now I can see why Carroll was denied tenure.

  9. Eli. I agree that Louise`s st0rry is flabbergasting… on saturday I got a great new Honda NSX since I been earnin $5706 thiss month and would you believe, ten/k last-munth. it’s actualy the coolest work I have ever done. I actually started nine months/ago and straight away began to make over $73, per/hr. I follow the details here,……… BIT40.ℂOℳ

  10. This show is turning out to be more than I expected it to be. The general idea that it’s a serial killer with people who are willing to kill others for him in order to get his message across is pretty clear. Some of the characters, obviously, have yet to really reveal their purpose (Jacob). I watched a preview for this week’s episode in my office here at DISH and it made things seem a lot clearer than they are. So I decided that I need to judge for myself how well things are coming together. The show airs while I’m still at work so I’ll be catching up on it while I’m taking the train home tonight. Thanks to the Hopper and DISH Anywhere I can turn my iPad into a TV and I can access anything I’ve recorded or that is on air right now. Not only is that convenient but I also won’t be bored during the commute. I can watch everything anywhere, anytime.

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