Last week there was no trailers post because there was no trailers. You can’t have a trailers post without the trailers lol! But I figured this week would be a piece of cake what with the Big Game last weekend. There’s always lots of movie trailers during the Big Game. Except for the most part it was all trailers for movies we’ve already talked about. Relax, Star Trek, we’re on board. Give it up, Lone Ranger, we’ll never be on board. There was one movie trailer, however, that was new, and after they showed a one minute teaser during the Big Game (Fun Fact: I get a 10 blog bucks bonus every time I say Big Game) they released a full three minute trailer on-line this week. I’m talking, of course, about the #1 movie of the year: Fast and Furious Six. It’s the only trailer we’re going to talk about today. SO BUCKLE UP! (Get it? Tell me if you don’t get it, I’ll explain.)

First of all, let me just say that I have not historically been a huge fan of the Fast & Furious series. Let’s just get that right out in the open. I think I finally saw the first Fast & Furious movie, like, two years ago. (Although I did see whatever that one was, Project X? Where Vin Diesel grinds down a Viennese staircase on a dinner tray. So extreme, man.) I’ve for sure never seen the second movie, or Tokyo Drift, and I don’t think I saw the fourth one either but maybe I did but who knows/cares. But then last year (for the extended version of this story, please listen to my episode of The Moth!) they started running Fast Five Five Furious on television, so one Sunday afternoon I watched it, and holy moly, that movie is so great. Have you seen it? If you haven’t seen it, you seriously should see it this weekend. Look, it’s not The 400 Blows and no one is saying it is The 400 Blows. It is not even L’eclisse! (I mean, if we’re going down that road, it’s not even fucking Napoleon Dynamite.) But if you even like action movies just a little bit, the action sequences in that movie are so fun and exciting. At one point they drag a [NO SPOILERS] through the streets of [NO SPOILERS] smashing up all the [NO SPOILERS] and you don’t know which [NO SPOILERS] contains the [NO SPOILERS] or if they will ever get away with [NO SPOILERS]! The point is: YEAH!

In between the action sequences, though, that is when the real magic happens. Every time anyone opens their mouth and says anything, it is almost impossible to describe how stupid it is. Just atrocious dialogue delivered terribly. But do you know what happens when this happens? You might be thinking “we are all such sophisticated adults, we don’t have time for such pish posh.” I tell you that YOU DO HAVE TIME FOR SUCH PISH POSH because what happens when the worst dialogue ever written is delivered by the worst actors in herstory is that YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD CONSTANTLY. I laughed harder at Fast Five Five Furious than I did at any comedy made in the past three years. So you’re either laughing very hard, or watching something very exciting. That’s a pretty good movie experience to have! And this movie looks like it will be no different. “Do you believe in ghosts?” “Uh, guys, they have a tank.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IS THIS STEP BROTHERS 2? BECAUSE I AM LOL.

What I’m trying to say is that Fast Six Fast Furious looks great. I am excited to see it!

Comments (26)
  1. Will Ja Rule be in this one? Because he had my two favorite lines* of the first movie. “Menage” (as in Menage trois) and “Crotch rocket.”

    *Please don’t tell me if I’m misremembering this. I saw that movie over a decade ago and probably I was drunk or something, but these two lines have brought me many laughs over the years and I don’t want that taken away from me. Tnx

  2. I’ve ONLY seen Fast 5, and it was so great. Two choice moments – one, when Vin Diesel is giving a pep talk about how the most important people are the ones who are “right here” and then he pauses dramatically and you’re like please don’t say it but then he goes, “right now”; two, when Vin Diesel spreads his arms like a Christ and he shouts “THIS. IS. RIO.”

    Also, I am always happy to see this Korean man get roles where he is not only not emasculated but totally hot:

    America needs you, Sung Kang. (Also, thanks to coolasianhair.com for this pic.)

  3. I’m glad you can laugh at it, because all I can do is Liz Lemon eyeroll.

    That being said, Fast Five was great, and I totally recommend it.

  4. I’ve only seen the first one, and I remember really enjoying a high speed chase scene where cars drove underneath semi trucks on the highway.

    I assume that all 5 movies are exactly the same, except the high speed chases take place on different streets and they probably have a new hot chick for each installment.

  5. I liked when the Rock and Vin Diesel were fighting and it looked they were in an anti-gravity room.

    • Wait also it was so great because the Rock had like a whole army of guys with weapons and Vin Diesel was alone and instead of just arresting him or whatever the Rock like basically rips his shirt off and says, “I got this.” And then they fist fight and all the people with guns just watch.

      • Let’s be honest… Basically anything with The Rock is great. I want to do a remake of The Rock starring The Rock in every role. I think Michael Bay might be down with that.

        • Anything with The Rock should be categorized as a Rockumentary. At the Oscars, The Rock will always win the category of “Best Lead Actor in a Rockumentary.”

  6. Ok, so I’ve never paid any attention to these movies, but I did assume they were just about illegal street racing. At what point did these movies turn into GI Joe: Transpitalian Job?

  7. Speaking of terrible actors saying terrble lines to hilarious effect, you guys I am dating a man who is a 100% unironic Nic Cage fan. He told me that Nicholas Cage has never made a bad movie and I assumed he was joking so I was like “You could even say he’s a… NATIONAL TREASURE?” and he was like “Yes. I would say that he is.” and he was COMPLETELY SERIOUS. I’m still wrapping my head around this one.

    • I don’t know what I would do in that situation. I love Nic Cage movies but only because they’re so bad. Normally I would tell you to get drunk and watch Stolen as it is insane and terrible but THE BEST… but you might not want to laugh out loud in front of a guy who is genuinely enjoying the movie. This being said, I’m 100 percent positive that Nic Cage knows his camp value and has been making 3 movies a month because of it (and his IRS issues).

    • I would not be able to keep a straight face in this situation. I very much love Nic Cage only for the ridiculousness of Knowing and Wicker Man.

    • If he had only made Valley Girl and Peggy Sue Got Married, I’d agree with him. He’s wonderful in those movies.

    • That’s your boyfriend: The unironic Nic Cage fan

  8. My favorite part of Fast Five (besides all of it) is how they try to pretend Vin Diesel is the same height as The Rock. Hahaha, Fast Five! I’m sure this new one will be awesome as well, but I seriously wish they had called it Fast Six Fast Furious. P.s. – Tokyo Drift is worth watching you would be surprised by how many problems can be solved via tokyo drifting.

  9. The thing is, nobody watches action movies that aren’t directed by Steven Soderbergh expecting anything other than fun action. The people who make action movies should get this. Die Hard gets this. The Transporter gets this. Shoot ‘Em Up DEFINITELY gets this (have you seen that one, Gabe? It might be your favorite movie), and People Driving Fast And Furiously gets this. I am ON BOARD!

    • RIP Steven Soderbergh. I hope Side Effects is good.

    • It’s not as obvious as what you are saying, though. Like, I tried watching The Expendables the other day and I had to turn it off after five minutes. It was so awful. And Shoot ‘Em Up was way to wink-y for my taste. The reason I think something like Fast Five works so well (and also Die Hard 4, which was my favorite trip to the theater that year) is that they DON’T wink at you, or at the very least, you’re not sure if they’re winking at you or not. It’s played 100 percent straight. But also, in general the movie either has it or it doesn’t. The Transporter is fine, for example, but I’m not rushing to see more Transporter movies. It’s honestly a pretty special combination that fails more often than not.

    • It’s not as obvious as what you are saying, though. Like, I tried watching The Expendables the other day and I had to turn it off after five minutes. It was so awful. And Shoot ‘Em Up was way to wink-y for my taste. The reason I think something like Fast Five works so well (and also Die Hard 4, which was my favorite trip to the theater that year) is that they DON’T wink at you, or at the very least, you’re not sure if they’re winking at you or not. It’s played 100 percent straight. But also, in general the movie either has it or it doesn’t. The Transporter is fine, for example, but I’m not rushing to see more Transporter movies. It’s honestly a pretty special combination that fails more often than not.

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